For those men and women who came out after marriage and having children… Did you always know you had same sex attraction or did it change as you aged? How did you explain your sexuality to your children, how did they react? Do you think being open about your sexuality helped them better understand their own sexuality? If they showed interest in the same gender what would you tell them?
I can't answer all your questions as I haven't yet come out to my children. In hindsight the answer is yes but at the time as a teen in the 90s, I didn't really understand what I was feeling and did what society "expected" of me and got married and had children. Despite all my efforts to deny it, my attraction to men remained and it ate at me. Since accepting my homosexuality, it's as plain as day to me now that I was always gay and never had any attraction to women. Some of the reasons I used to tell myself as to why I couldn't possibly be gay are laughable. I would encourage them and make sure they know that I don't care who they love, only that the one they love returns that love. That last part they should know only too well as sadly they grew up under an unloving and abusive marriage. I'm fairly certain my eldest daughter is a lesbian. While she's never said anything, she's never shown any interest in boys, her friends are all girls and she talks endlessly about celebrity women. A similar aged me was exactly the same, obviously with the genders swapped. I won't confront her about it, of course, but I have taken every educational opportunity presented to me to normalise homosexual relationships in front of my children and to show that I'm an ally. A close friend of mine is trans, and I've had her over for dinner with the children a number of times (next is Thursday!), and they all like her. The older ones knew her before she came out. I really hope that I've created an environment where they will be comfortable with their sexuality and gender, whatever shape or form it may take, and that they don't bottle it up for years like I did. Anticipating your question, why am I not out to the children? It's complicated, their mother is terminally ill and in a care home. While I'm happy to have a discreet relationship as we're separated, I think it's too much for the children to take onboard when they're already trying to come to terms with both her illness and her absence.
I always knew to a degree, although I made the decision to get married and start a family because it was really what I had always wanted. I came out to my ex-wife because our marriage had become a very messed up and emotionally sick place, and it was the one way I could think of to put the final nail in the coffin. My daughters were around middle school aged, and I told the oldest the day after I told her mother. She was very calm and when I said "I'm gay", her response was "I'm not", I waited to tell my youngest for a couple months, at her mom's request, and she seemed vaguely uncomfortable, but didn't say much. A few years later, her de facto boyfriend came out and she laughed about it being a family tradition. They've both been very supportive. I met a guy 3 months after I told their mother and it quickly became obvious he was the one. I wanted to be open and make sure everyone was comfortable with one another, and organized a dinner with him, the girls and my ex (and we had not even filed yet). I don't know what I was thinking - it was awkward and uncomfortable and terrible, but strangely enough, that was the worst moment of all, and everyone has since come around. My ex and I are better friends than during most of our marriage, and she is engaged to a man very different from me but much more emotionally suited to her; I am still with the guy 10 years later; and both girls are in very happy, healthy permanent relationships (one married, one engaged), Both girls are very open and accepting and, are very comfortable with us. It's weird how things can work out.
