No looking for advice, per se, as I have a pretty good idea of how I'm going to proceed, maybe a touch of encouragement would be helpful. I've been active here for a little under a week so far, I've talked a bit about my history and where I am in my intro post in the Welcome Forum. I won't repeat it here all again, but maybe the short version for context. I'm almost 48, I've known I was bi for 4-5 years and came out to my wife several years ago. At the time I thought of myself as bi-curious because I wasn't really certain and because of that, and because it wasn't making a practical difference in my life I was mostly content to let it lie and not really express it or tell anyone beyond my wife. Since then, a few things have changed. Even though I don't have any experience with a male partner (and don't plan to in the foreseeable future as I am committed to my wife and our marriage) I have become much more confident in this identity and feelings (dropping the "-curious" self-label) and since realizing that, have felt a lot more comfortable and whole as a person. The simple act of completely admitting it to myself has been huge. Being able to talk about it openly here has also been really great and freeing. Because of all of that, I feel like I should come out... Maybe not to everyone or completely publicly (I haven't decided how far to take it yet) but at least to some of my closer friends and family, because these are people who I want to really know me as completely as possible. The first ones I thought of are some friends of ours who we visit and talk with regularly, a married couple and a mutual friend. We've had plans to meet with them tonight anyway and I told my wife I wanted to come out to them when we do. So, these people are just about the safest possible choice I could make for the first people (besides my wife, of course) to come out to. They are super-cool and supportive in general and are also very LGBTQ positive, the married couple are poly, the wife in that couple is bi and the other person is a gay man. There is basically no risk at all here, I know they're going to be supportive and happy and I'd guessing that at least one of them will tell me they already knew. But I'm still super nervous about it.
Hello, @BiShark! It's completely understandable that even in deciding to come out to other LGBT/positive people, it can be a bit nerve-racking. Not because they'll react badly--I'm sure they won't--but because it involves a certain level of vulnerability to admit anything of a personal nature, much less an immutable characteristic that no one can really see under the circumstances. I'll be rooting for you! Let us know how it goes if/when you tell them. And if you don't get around to it just yet, that's okay! It's important to do it when you're ready, not because you think you have to.
Thanks! I definitely want to and don't feel an obligation to do so, so maybe my phrasing was bad. In the long run I may or may not come out more fully or publicly, but this is a good step either way.
I officially came out as bi just about two weeks ago. To some face to face, others via text, and some via FB. I think that it is about 15-16 friends and family. It has been nothing but positive so far. And honestly very few were surprised.
Cool. This group will be face-to-face. Future ones could run the gamut, like you've said. If I do decide to eventually make it more public I may do a Facebook post once I've talked to everyone who I want to tell more directly.
I did and it was great. They were happy and supportive, which I did expect, but also touched that I chose them to be the first ones I came out to. In related news, the reason we were getting together was for a local Burlesque show, which was great. Most of the performers were women, of course, but also a few men, including the second to last act, who was probably my favorite of the night. And it struck me that before I accepted this part of me that I'd have forced myself to either disengage from appreciating that or otherwise found some way to distract myself from admitting that he turned me on but now I could just enjoy him without all of that. So all in all a great night. I'm feeling loved and supported and also confident and happy in who I am.
One cool thing I learned is that the woman who is bi in this group also learned this about herself later in life. She'd already come out as bi when I first met her so I just assumed she had been out for a while* but it was relatively new to her at that point. Just sort of nice as our stories around figuring that out were pretty similar so that was a nice bit of bonding. Coincidentally (or not?) She is also the one who said she'd suspected that I might be. *That was probably naive, but I've learned a lot since then. Also may have been colored a bit by my experience with my wife, who came out to me when we were first dating and had prior relationships with both men and women at that time.
I'm so glad to hear it went well! And a burlesque show to cap it off? Sounds like an amazing night all around. And yes, there are a surprising number of us who have come out later in life. I think we're just so used to hearing about people who knew and embraced it in their youth that we often don't imagine it ever being any different. I know some gay/lesbian individuals struggle with this too, but I think when it comes to being bi, we might be a little too good at burying the same-sex attraction in favour of the opposite-sex one. Usually unconsciously. Of course, the converse is also true, in which some bi people don't realize they have opposite-sex attraction until they meet the right person/people. How are you feeling now? Are you still on a sort of high? It can be such a good feeling to let this side of yourself out.
Indeed, it really was. The timing there was really good, as it happened. The Burlesque was originally scheduled for last Fall, rescheduled due to Covid and my desire to start coming out started around the perfect time to happen during that get together. Yeah, I think this was me. I am more attracted to women than to men, which I think made it easier for my attraction to men to sort of fly under my radar for so long. Looking back there were some signs that seem really obvious now, in retrospect, that I completely dismissed at the time. Mostly, yes, which is really nice. I've definitely been feeling a lot more whole and a lot more true to myself since more fully acknowledging and accepting this side of me and the further step of letting more of the people who I'm close to in on that has only increased that feeling. I do still plan to come out to more of my friends and family, and possibly fully publicly at some point, but I'm still figuring out the whos, whens and hows. I don't expect each one to feel as big as this one did, and that's ok.
I have now come out to a few more friends and some of my family (3 of my 6 siblings), though these were all "virtual". So far reactions are still all positive. I expect that to continue with my friends, but there are a couple family members I'm less sure of. I do think I'm going to sit where I am for a few days, collect my thoughts and feelings. I'm feeling like my next step will be to come up with a list of people I'd like to tell directly (whether in person or otherwise) and to start there. I'm still contemplating a public message (like on Facebook) so it's partially figuring out who I want to tell directly vs. those who I'm ok with finding out that way, if I go through with that.
