I am a 24 year old woman married to my college boyfriend. Up until about a month ago, I would say I identified as straight with a strong appreciation for women. They’ve always intimidated me in a way that I never really understood and I think it got in the way of me being able to have strong female friendships(spoiler alert: it’s because I was attracted to them) When I met my husband in college I was processing some trauma and he allowed me to be myself in way no one ever had. After experiencing trauma I had isolated myself from a lot of my friends so this man became my absolute best friend. There was a very strong chemistry between us and we had so much in common. We fell very fast in love and got into a serious relationship. Fast forward 3 years to 2020 and the onset of the pandemic. Months away from graduation, I felt scared of how unpredictable the future had become. But I knew that I had this person in my life, who was my rock and we would get through it together. So when he decided to propose to me in the summer of 2020 I said yes. We had talked about marriage before and it just felt like the right time. I felt secure knowing that I was going to get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend who I loved. I threw myself into wedding planning. The women in my life fawned over me as we discussed details of the wedding. And I even feel ashamed as I type this because of how nice the attention felt. Our society puts (straight) brides on a pedestal. But as the wedding day grew closer my anxiety grew and I attempted to call off the wedding multiple times. It wasn’t until after almost a year of marriage I realized the reason I wanted to call it off: I wanted to be marrying a woman. After reading some extensive articles about compulsory heterosexuality, I realized that my desire to get married to this person was driven by the desire to feel secure and stable, in a time where nothing felt certain. I loved the idea of planning a beautiful wedding with my closest friends and family to celebrate the life that I thought I wanted. The life I thought everyone expected me to have. I think I was taught that “you better grab them while you can before it’s too late.” I have since come out to my husband expressing my desire to explore this aspect of my life and identity. And it’s gone pretty horribly. We have had several fights about what the future holds. I still love this man and we share so much and have so much in common but I don’t feel a romantic or sexual attraction to him like I used to. The reason I felt the need to write all this out is not because there are not stories like mine. I’ve read about many women who were married to men for 10+ years and have children when they decide to come out to their partners. But I feel this tremendous guilt having just committed myself to this person only 10 months ago, to tell him now I feel differently and struggle to explain how I can still have love for him. I feel like we’re both sitting in this state of limbo, not really knowing where to go. I appreciate any wisdom, guidance and kind words. Thank you and much love.
I committed myself to a woman more than seventeen years ago and looking back on that time I wish I had had your courage and been honest with myself and my wife as quickly as you have. I would have saved us both a lot of frustration and pain. While I’m sure you’re both hurting now, think how much more it would hurt in another ten months. Or another ten years.
You shouldn’t feel guilty for being honest! You did the right thing. It would be worse both on yourself and him if you continued to live a lie. And 10 months is at least relatively early into a marriage I’d say. It must be hard though if he really isn’t that understanding. But in the end, if you’ve already explained all you can to him then it’s up to him to find it in himself to see your side of things. Especially if earlier signs were there: such as you trying to call off the wedding in the past. If he values you as a person he can’t expect you to continue something you’re not 100% happy with. I’m probably not in a place to give the most solid advice on this, but spending time apart may be best if the situation continues to feel miserable (I imagine it must take a toll mentally!). Or perhaps consulting a friend or family member would help if that’s something you’re able to do? It may make things less stressful, having people around who can be there for you. But of course, only do this if they’d be accepting; I know that’s sadly not always the case. Whatever you decide to do I hope the situation gets better. You deserve to be happy!
I was with a man for more than 20 years before I came out. It was incredibly tough but I’d got to a point where I was cracking up. I am so glad you have been able to come out at this early stage. My advice is to take things slowly. Time helps. He needs time to process this information about you and you need time to put forth boundaries. You both have to get to the stage where you can discuss what happens next in a calm way. It can take a very long time. It’s a hurtful time for both of you. Especially since you’re newly married. Try not to feel guilty because it’s a very tough situation to be in. You love your husband and he loves you. You haven’t done this on purpose and you didn’t set out to hurt him. We are here if you need support. I’ve been in this position and I fully understand the limbo you describe.
Hey welcome to EC. I agree that a lot of the stories that you see are people that are or have been married but in my time on EC I have seen some stories very similar to yours so they are out there. It is great that you have had the courage to halt the process whilst you figure everything out, even if it has lead to you not being in the best situation right now. I am sure everyone here on EC can help you.
It has sometimes been useful for couples in your situation to seek help and support from a relationship counsellor. We may think of relationship counselling as a process for keeping people together, but it's often used to achieve a good and kind separation; a process where feelings can be properly explored and understood by both parties with a view to reaching an amicable resolution that preserves the love and friendship. Is this something worth considering?
Thank you for suggesting this! Both my husband and myself had misconceptions about what couples counseling has to offer. After some discussion and research, we’ve decided that seeing a trained professional to guide us through this process is our best option. I really never thought seeking counseling together would be beneficial (I’ve thought about seeking out a therapist myself.) So thank you again for your suggestion.
I think you're in the right here. You've come to terms with your identity before it's too late. It's better now, instead of 20 years down the road, hiding your identity in an unescapable relationship. Don't beat yourself up.
