Around two years ago, I realized that I couldn't go on denying that there is and always has been a likelihood that I'm transgender. Over that time I've done a lot of self examination, and I'm not questioning anymore. I'm trans. Now I need to decide what to do about it. I'm out to three people. Two are therapists who I no longer see. The other is my wife. Two years ago, I came out to myself and to her over several months of learning, discussing, sometimes fighting, making up, reaffirming our love and commitment, and so much crying. She struggled, I struggled, and my fear of losing her and our family together yelled louder than my desire to find out who I could be. I returned to the closet. I've remained in the closet, and I'm not ready to come out. However, being trans and closeted means dealing with a lot of very unpleasant experiences and sensations, all of which must be managed quietly and privately. I don't feel ready to start taking steps toward medical or socially transitioning, but I want to feel ready. That's the extent of how out I need to be right now. I need some measure of relief, and it would be a real weight off my shoulders to not have to make up fake reasons or excuses for my emotions and demeaner when gender dysphoria is giving me a particularly mean day. It's exhausting. I'd like some advice about how to bring this up to my wife. She's generally supportive. A while back, I told her I was putting the subject of my gender identity away for good. I told her that she will be keeping the man she married, and that I want to be what she wants me to be. She said I could bring it up again anytime. I said thanks but I wouldn't. I think I knew then that I was making a promise I couldn't keep, and she didn't particularly want me to make. So, I need to drag this back out, and I don't know how to start. SOS
Static.....I don't think I'm the person to give you advice in this situation. However, I would suggest that you make this same post in the "Gender Identity and Expression" forum. There are folks there who may have better advice and suggestions for you than I could possibly have! .....David
Static, I'm probably not the best person to give advice in that it was my partner's death that was the catalyst for my own revelation. But I know and can empathise with the anguish and immense dysphoria that you must be experiencing on a daily basis. I would start with asking yourself the question - what do you want? What sort of life do you want to lead? Before you talk to your wife I would look at possible scenarios and outcomes. Many marriages stay intact when one partner has transitioned. But many don't. It's such a delicate area that it's hard to make sweeping statements or generalisations. All I know is that is has to be handled with love and immense sensitivity. I wish I could help more. Others here may have a better working knowledge of what next step you should take. Hugs, Beth x
1. Good communication is a basics in every relationship and I don't think your wife will reject you, even if you tell her your true feelings as she has shown great recilience and supportivness from what you've told us. Trust your wife. Things change and sometimes these changes can be hard to adjust to, but it's not impossible. Communicate with your wife. 2. Most of the time we put these restrictions on to ourselves whether from fear of the unknown or societal expectations, but it's all about overcoming these fears, if we wish to be true to ourselves and society has become much more understanding.
