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Coming out as lesbian after only dating men?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Snoww, Sep 18, 2021.

  1. Snoww

    Regular Member

    Apr 8, 2016
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    North America
    Gender Pronoun:
    Sexual Orientation:
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hello! :slight_smile:

    I'll jump right in: I'm 19f, and since my young teenage years, I identified first as bisexual, then lesbian, but then found myself dating men (again) and switching to bisexual (again). I believe I had genuinely loved the guys I was with. I never liked sporty guys, all the guys I've been with have been extremely feminine/bottoms. I've also dated trans men who hadn't transitioned yet.

    In the past, I fell for a girl REALLY hard. I don't think I've ever loved someone that much. Sadly, it wasn't reciprocated and we lost contact. Even after the 2 and a half year relationship with a guy that I recently broke off, I questioned how much I truly loved him and if I only liked him because he was feminine. He was also my first sexual experience. I enjoyed having sex with him, especially at first, but he started pressuring me to have sex because "he needed it to feel intimate with me" and if we didn't have sex he would cry. After dealing with that for 2 years almost every week (we lived together), I feel like that traumatized me. I couldn't even look at fake rape scenes in TV shows anymore, and I'm a huge fan of horror and crimes.

    I've had small sexual experiences with girls, and I've kissed girls before, but never in a romantic way because I was too young and thought I couldn't date girls back then. Ever since I first came out as a lesbian maybe 7 years ago, I wish to be in a lesbian relationship. Yet I've only dated guys, mostly because they hit on me more than girls do. I've had a few girls confess to me, but it was either not reciprocated, or the date was a flop.

    Since my previous relationship, I feel like I learned a lot about myself and grew emotionally. I used to be desperate to be in a relationship because I feared being alone, but I've learned my worth. I want to pick the next person carefully, and be sure it won't go to shit. I realized that I see myself being with a girl in the future/all my life if it happens. For that reason, what's the point in dating guys if they're not what I'm looking for? That's not to say I'm not attracted to them, but I don't have any interest in dating them at least until I date a girl. I also feel like my ex didn't understand how it felt for me, as a woman, to have intercourse (it was painful and I don't consider it a NEED), and I feel like a girl might understand more, and not pressure me to have sex (obviously not every girl).

    I feel like identifying as a lesbian would be accurate to explain how I'm feeling right now, but not overall in my life. Because I've dated a guy so recently, and I've always dated guys, I feel like people will doubt that label even if I'm not planning to be with a guy. I know I don't need a label, but I've been asked a couple of times about it and it gets complicated to explain why I don't want to date guys anymore ("who hurt you?"). I feel like if I even mention to a guy that I am still attracted to men, they will take the opportunity to make a move on me. And then, if I say I'm a lesbian, but then tell them I only dated men, they tend to press x to doubt. However, I feel the most comfortable identifying as a lesbian right now because I feel like it will automatically stop guys from hitting on me and allow lesbian/bisexual girls to know I'm available (which is exactly what I want). Obviously I'm still healing from my past relationship, but in a year, I feel like I will still hold the same beliefs/feelings about this.

    All in all, have any of you experienced something similar, and/or have any advice or opinion on my situation? I'd be happy to hear.