Ever since I started being romantically interested in people, I’ve questioned whether or not I am interested in men. I’m very confident that I like women. I also have been interested in GNC people. I have dated men (or “men”) before. My first boyfriend was in 9th grade. I broke up with him after a month because I didn’t have feelings for him. I had a crush on him in 8th grade… supposedly. I didn’t want to kiss him or hold his hand. I didn’t get “butterflies” or anything. I just wanted him to like me. That seems to be a common trend. My second “boy”friend came out to me as trans a year into our relationship (nearly two years). It wasn’t a good relationship. Severely abusive (her, not me). I did love her despite this, and I had wished she was a girl before she came out. I constantly flirt with boys and find myself feeling nothing again and again. I want them to like me and I want to hurt them. But I want their attention. It’s really bad and I have to catch myself. The boys that are interested in me are all similar to my exes: messed up. I don’t particularly find men sexually appealing. I have male celebrity crushes and think they’re attractive, but I don’t have any sort of lust toward them. Except for maybe Rami Malek, but I just love his acting. I’ve questioned if I’m asexual, but uh… the female body is a bit too appealing for that. There’s a lot more complexity to this, but if anyone has had a similar experience I’d love some advice.
The GNC people in question: are they biologically female? There's a relevance to this question, but I'll get to that in a bit. The impression I'm getting here (and feel free to take this with a grain of salt) is that heteronormativity played a part in how you felt or how you thought you felt about this boy. In all likelihood, you probably just wanted his friendship, but your environment and the messages you got from shows, movies, books, etc. convinced you that you wanted more, which is not an uncommon issue among LGBT folk. Abuse aside, how did you feel about her pre-transition? Did you experience any genuine attraction to this individual? I think your history of being with abusive boyfriends can explain the bolded a great deal. That said, this is not a healthy mindset and shouldn't be encouraged; regardless of what your past boyfriends have done, it's not okay to take it out on any boys that take an interest in you. But that they seem to be the same type sounds like a self-destructive cycle; like subconsciously you keep seeking out this type, whether because you believe you deserve to be hurt or because you want a chance to hurt them in return, I can't say. It could be both or neither of those things, and this is something I think therapy could help you with. Rami is pretty fantastic, but more to the point, the lack of lust is fairly telling. So, returning to my first question, I think there's a very high likelihood you are a lesbian, provided the GNC individuals you are attracted to are in fact biological female. This is because sexual orientation isn't determined by how a person you're attracted to presents themselves, but by their sex characteristics. I know many people will likely tell you otherwise or argue against this, but at the end of the day, sexual orientation doesn't give a fig about gender identity or expression; only biological sex. If the GNC people you were attracted to weren't biologically female or at least some of them were biologically male, then I would say you're probably bisexual, but due to your past experience/or even your particular attractions, have a stronger preference for women.
*Yeah you’re probably right but every time I reason with myself and come to the conclusion that I am in fact a lesbian, I immediately look for every shred of evidence that I could be bisexual.*
It's still a possibility, of course, but from this alone it sounds to be like you're in the bargaining stage of grief. People often think grief only relates to losing someone to death, or the end of friendships and relationships--but the reality is, we can grieve for intangible things too, such as our sense of self coming into question/the realization that we're not quite who or what we've always believed ourselves to be. I get the sense you're attempting to hold on to one last shred of heterosexuality when you tell yourself you're not a lesbian, but I could be wrong. Whatever the case, I hope you reach the truth in time, and that when you do, it's something that gives you peace.
