Hi all, I have been 'straight' all my life as I was lobotomized at 5 or 6 after my brutal gay conversion therapy turned me into a psycho child who assaulted another child sexually (toy eternal shame). My family are all liars who covered everything up for 45 years (think they may be closeted themselves to have such a reaction). Eventually decided I was going to kill myself but decided to do loads of ketamine for mental health and as an escape from life first, and what do you know, the ket abuse somehow 'fixed' the lobotomy and all these repressed memories came flashing back over the past few months. I'd heard ketamine can from new brain connections and now think I'm living (so far) proof that it's true! Talk about a head fuck of a life though... I've currently no plans to do anything physical with another man, all I really want is my loving Dad to give me a hug and make me feel safe. Trying mostly to get employed after a tumultuous few months where I couldn't concentrate on anything. Still struggling, if anyone knows a good therapist who deals with childhood conversion therapy please let me know. The internet doesn't have advice for my situation. Good news is I'm sober for the first time in my life, I've lost 30lb (though I have another 100+ to go) and I know what has always been wrong with me - my family not accepting me rather than any flaw of my own. I'm in no rush to meet me, other than maybe a support group of friends so I'll be looking for a group based near me. Is it wrong I'm kinda looking forward to seeing their horror when I share? Haha I guess a bit of me will always be a little bit psycho, but hey ho life starts now... Or soon. Wish me luck please?
Hey. I'm so so sorry you had to experience of these horrible things Eldaverino. Lobotomy, your family hiding things from you, ketamine... I can't even imagine what it feels like. It's definitely good that you've decided to look for some sort of group, sharing traumas helps a lot. I really hope it goes well for you and you manage to find someone. Hugs.
Eldaverino.....Hello and a big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent! ) when that becomes necessary! This is a safe community of loving, caring and very supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community. *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out, join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBTQ folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. ****You have gone through some terrible things and finding a therapist to help you is very important. I am in the USA so I'm not much help with finding one. The only thing I can think of is to contact any local LGBTQ support organization near you. They may have the names of therapists who work with the LGBTQ Community. That could give you a lead to finding a therapist. I do hope you can find someone. In the meantime you can share and vent with us here on EC and we will do our best to help! Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. …..David
Hi ElDaverino, welcome to EC! I'm sorry to hear you've had such a difficult journey but I'm glad you've made it here. After years of denial, I finally accepted to myself that I'm gay last year at the age of 42. I'm only out to a select few, and not to family. I look forward to sharing in your ongoing journey.
