Call for help! Compulsive thoughts (driving me crazy)

Hello, @Ron961. I'm sorry you've been struggling with this. It seems to me you're right: you're probably not straight, and after so many years of believing yourself to be (or being in denial about being anything other than straight) it can be something of a shock. You're probably going to need time to come to terms with it, so the only thing I can really recommend is letting yourself grieve. Grieve for the person you thought you were, for the life you thought you'd have--whatever you need to do, let yourself feel these feelings. It's important to let them run their course, because it's only through letting them out that you'll be able to heal and move forward.

It took me a long, long time to acknowledge my bisexuality and accept it; almost three years have passed, and I'll be honest--on occasion, the shame/disgust with myself still creeps in. But the good news is, it does get better.

If not antidepressants, maybe ask your therapist if there is an alternative, non-prescription means of combatting your suicidal thoughts. I'm not big on medications personally myself, but I would say if the situation worsens, it's worth considering. Your therapist wants to help you after all, and if you find yourself tempted to harm yourself, you could at least go on them short-term until you've come to accept your lack of heterosexuality.

If you do go on medications though, don't go off it without your doctor's say so, because sometimes things swing into a complete 180 afterwards, which can be every bit as bad (or worse) as before the medication.

I hope this helps. Please don't hesitate to keep in touch with the staff if you need anything.

 

A question and an observation…. When you have the thoughts, are you also aroused? (Asking because some straight people with OCD have obsessive thoughts about being gay, but aren’t actually aroused by them).

So, the observation on the obsessive thoughts…even if you’re lgbt, it’s possible these thoughts are this insistent BECAUSE you’re trying to suppress them. Sort of the classic “don’t think about pink elephants” thing. They might calm down some if you quit fighting them so hard. That or just as you get used to it.

On the anxiety front, for what it’s worth, exercise can help with anxiety. And then are some fairly natural supplements that might be worth looking at (like, I take Ashwaganda root, which is supposed to sort of balance cortisol levels). It might be worth asking about that. Also, my therapist had me lay off caffeine. I kinda learned the hard way I can’t do coffee. Just some ideas if you want to try to avoid meds. My therapist outright told me she wasn’t putting me on meds because my diet and exercise routine was doing what the meds would do.

 

Been there, done that, got the T shirt. At a certain point you can no longer contain your same sex attraction. The urge to shed the lies of heterosexuality and embrace your gay self become overwhelming. For me the only solution was to end my “ straight” relationship and embrace my homosexuality openly and honestly. I am a much happier person as a gay man.

 

I would urge you not to mislead your fiancée regarding questioning your speciality. It will only make both of you miserable if it turns out underneath it all your gay. Finding women beautiful doesn’t necessarily mean your not gay. Having sex with a woman as well doesn’t mean your not gay. In many cases as we accept our same sex attraction the attraction to women fade. You indicate that your craving for men are much stronger. This may be a significant indication of your either bisexual or gay orientation.

 

I’m curious about this. Can you expand on your point about attraction fading.

 

As I started to acknowledge my same sex attraction my desire to be with a woman faded fairly quickly. Soon followed by the ability to become aroused by a woman even if I tried to visualize being a with a man. I knew I had to extricate myself from my straight relationship as the idea of sexual intimacy with a woman started to totally gross me out. This after spending many years pretending to be straight. For me now the idea of being intimate with a woman repulsive.

 

I see. I noticed that I’ve been feeling similarly. Even though I had very little interest in a straight relationship, I noticed that after accepting that I’m gay, years of suppression spilled out. Now, I feel like I genuinely know what being sexually attracted to a person is.

Thanks for expanding!

 

I agree. Until I was with a man I really didn’t know what true sexual attraction felt like. Soon followed by wanting an emotional attraction as well. I never felt that sex was that big a deal until the first time I was sexually intimate with another man. An explosion of physical and emotional feeling that changed my entire paradigm.

 

You don't have to be full-on gay. You can still be bisexual and have certain likes/dislikes regarding both genders, and maybe you're still attracted to women but your feelings for men might seem stronger because you're finally starting to confront them. I know bisexuality in men isn't explore enough, which can lead to a lot of self-doubt and confusion.

I know when I first came out, I felt strangely guilty for thinking that the male form is more exciting to look at. As a man, you're told that women are the most beautiful thing on earth and that softness, femininity, girlish beauty is what's supposed to be attractive (and it doesn't help that most media is controlled and made for heterosexual men). Obviously this will have an effect on you if you've lived most of your life as a repressed "straight" man. Men aren't really expected to notice other men's looks, and we're not told what we're supposed to find attractive in men. That's why many queer men who come out later in life have the same old "type" that they're into (macho and buff jocks) because it's the most obvious indicator of an idealized man that's also attractive even to straight men. Personally I've known I loved men since I was 7 years old and despite having a ton of internalized homophobia until recently, I was at least able to grow with my sexuality and evolve my tastes and I think that's why I've never really had a "type," I'm into all types of guys.

And to be honest, even straight men struggle with this. When they're attracted to a woman who doesn't fit the norm (feminine, soft, dresses a certain way, etc) they get extremely confused because they don't know how to process their attraction. I think men in general aren't as introspective about their sexuality and can be very out of touch with their bodies and desires as a result which explains why a good chunk of this forum are men.

 

In regards to medication, it won't necessarily make your problems worse after quitting. It's just that (depending on what type you're on) your brain will likely go through a withdrawal period if you stop abruptly, which will result in mood swings and possibly severe depression. So, working with your doctor is always best.