"body dysphoria makes you trans"--questions

@Eveline well, I guess that's the problem? In my emotions, I am female, I can't process what "trans" even means on an emotional level, I am just female, so I can't understand that I have limitations from being trans. I judge myself as if I am cis female, I think about my life as if it is being lived by a cis female so from that perspective my narrative makes absolutely no sense. What is this big hole in my past where there should be the same life any normal girl would have...? I want to be young,,I want to be pursued, I want to make mistakes, I want mr. right. I want to have kids, why can't I do that? Doesn't compute. I don't want to face it. I'm phobic of anything reminding me I am not female, which unfortunately is all the things that matter in life... I don't know how to live my life, all my natural urges and desires seem impossible.... when I remember I am not physically female I just want to die.

I don't put any effort into my transition because I guess I don't even believe transition is real. It feels like everything has been too broken for too long in too many ways. It hurts. I can't even talk about it to people because I just break down crying endlessly. The more I think about it the more it hurts. I am crying right now.

---------- Post added 4th Feb 2016 at 10:57 PM ----------

I guess we are the opposite. I have done very little to physically transition but match society's definition and perception of a woman, on the surface. I tried to detransition, and apparently still matched society's definition of a woman. So I'm trying to retransition, and I'm lost at this point really.

I don't need to define it I am just trying to understand. I feel like I'm not connecting to what it means to be trans and it is probably my fault. I'm sorry if I'm being annoying :x

---------- Post added 4th Feb 2016 at 11:05 PM ----------

Oh, true. I remember reading about Elagabalus, though that's not a very encouraging example lol.

 

I appreciate your support Eveline.

I don't know, I actually have already accepted my past as part of my life, but, it was a past in which everything happened to not me. Beyond the age of puberty, all I really wanted before was to die and that's how I lived my past. Respectfully I don't think all trans women go through this, mostly they marry women and have children, which I never had the slightest desire to do, so I did not have options like that.

For my past, there's not much to accept. It doesn't hurt because of what I missed anymore, now it hurts because of what I am still missing and I don't know how to solve it. I can cosmetically alter my body but, it will not make me physically female. More than a loss it's an ongoing lack. I can't think of a single trans woman who has lived a normal life for a straight woman, when all I want is a normal life. I'm getting older, and it terrifies me. I guess I have life dysphoria. Everything reminds me that things are not how I want them to be. Maybe I should be more optimistic, and believe that men who are into me would still be into me if they knew, and I could have a real, fulfilling relationship, and eventually adopt, and things could be better.

But in terms of my feelings, I don't see how I'm supposed to feel okay with my body. It's not female. People think my body is female and it's just not. I don't enjoy passing, I feel guilty for it. With men, I feel like a false advertisement. I don't have any sense that anything I do to it will make my body more female. I don't feel desirable at all.

 

"trauma itself of the enforcement of the female gender role he was placed under continued to haunt him. " <--- yes, this is very damaging IMO.

Aside from that, one little thing I want to nitpick, it could be hurtful to use the term "manhood." Just wanted to point that out.

I respect trans women that fight prejudice in society. There are a lot of problems with rigid gender roles and the way society forces people into boxes. However personally, I don't have a problem with the way society sees me, at least not anymore, and I haven't struggled to be accepted or validated by anyone post-transition (except my immediate family, go figure.) In fact, I have been so readily accepted that I feel guilty for struggling with this so much. It is an internal struggle. Like, having a hidden physical defect that I quietly suffer with and it destroys my self worth. There is not really anything society could do to help me with that (I guess other than if insurance chose to pay for my SRS, which would be a huge relief, but, idk, I'm just not a political person.)

And yes, I read the story of that widowed trans woman, it was so sad ;_;

Thanks for the link. I had seen that before but forgot about it. You're right, some of those examples are encouraging!!

It's true that a lot of my problems are not about transition. Even if my body was cis but looked the same otherwise, I know I would struggle. I've been emotionally abused by men over the way my body looked in the past. Not really because of my gender but because I wasn't thin enough or not shaped the right way or whatever. I internalized a lot of that. I was hoping hormones would fix some of the issues but my hormone levels never have been right and at this point I don't know if they ever will be.

 

Thank you Michael, this was sweet of you. You are right. And I certainly don't mean to make it sound like it would make you less of a man, mostly what I struggle with is the fact that it is only a cosmetic result and no matter how good the surgeon, they cannot give me the ability to bear a child and I will always have the feeling that I am different. Oh well, I know there's more to life and I know there's adoption, but, so many women around me my age are having children already, and I really wish I could be a mom. I feel like I don't know where I belong in life, not being able to have a family like the women I identify with and see as my role models. For now I am a loving mom of 2 cats. lol. And I'm trying to work on myself and get more involved in my interests. We shall see where life goes.

Hope you can keep taking those forward steps!!

 

Hi all, I just ran across an interesting study I thought was relevant to this topic and relevant to the David Reimer discussion:

Discordant Sexual Identity in Some Genetic Males with Cloacal Exstrophy Assigned to Female Sex at Birth

It followed 14 biological males with a medical disorder that caused them to need extensive surgery, and as a result they were raised and socialized as female.

Here's some quotes from it:

"Sexual identity varied among the subjects assigned to female sex. Five persistently declared unwavering female identity. One other subject refused to discuss sexual identity with anyone. Eight declared unwavering male identity: four of these subjects declared male identity spontaneously, at the ages of 7, 9, 9, and 12 years, although the parents of two persistently rejected these declarations. Four others declared male identity after their parents revealed to them that their birth status was male, at ages 5, 7, 7, and 18 years."

"The parents of all 14 subjects assigned to female sex stated that they had reared their child as a female. Twelve of these subjects have sisters: parents described equivalent child-rearing approaches and attitudes toward the subjects and their sisters. However, parents described a moderate-to-pronounced unfolding of male-typical behaviors and attitudes over time in these subjects — but not in their sisters. Parents reported that the subjects typically resisted attempts to encourage play with female-typical toys or with female playmates or to behave as parents thought typical girls might behave. These 14 subjects expressed difficulties fitting in with girls. All but one played primarily or exclusively with male-typical toys. Only one played with dolls; the others did so almost never or never. Only one ever played house. Each of the three exceptions represents a different subject. Parents noted substantial difficulty attempting to dress the subjects — but not their sisters — in clearly feminine attire after about four years of age.

"Subjects 7 and 8 have persistently and spontaneously declared their sexual identity as males since the age of nine years, before the initial assessment. They live as females because their parents have rejected their declarations. Both stated during the initial assessment that they wanted a penis. Both take exogenous estrogen and are intermittently compliant with treatment, and both state that they would prefer to receive testosterone. Both identified themselves as male and used male restrooms when they were away from their families and school."

" Subjects 9 and 10 spontaneously declared themselves male without knowledge of their birth status, at the ages of 12 and 7 years, respectively. Subjects 11, 12, 13, and 14 assumed a male identity after their parents informed them of their birth status, at ages 5, 7, 7, and 18 years, respectively. All eight living as males discussed sexual interests and activity; the four adolescents stated that they were attracted to girls. The three adolescents initially assigned to female sex take testosterone and are compliant with treatment. Because of a severely dysfunctional family, Subject 9 received no testosterone until he was incarcerated in a maximum-security prison for armed robbery at the age of 17 years, yet he dated and was sexually active with girls from the age of 15 years. Two of the three subjects over 17 years of age date girls. All eight subjects desire to undergo surgical construction of a penis.

All subjects living as female expressed difficulty fitting in with female peers (genetic females with cloacal exstrophy did not), although those converting to male sex reported few subsequent social problems with females. All 16 subjects described few difficulties fitting in with males."

"The sexual behavior and attitudes of all 16 subjects appeared to reflect strong male-typical characteristics, irrespective of whether they were raised as males or females."

What do you guys think? I felt somewhat validated by this article because I feel personally that social and role dysphoria exists and is important. I think this article also validated the existence of body or at least genital dysphoria too. So IMO it is both.