Bi or Gay

I suspect you know the answer to your question. If you feel attracted to men, you're gay. Be yourself and enjoy life.

 

There is no rush to figure it out, but it sounds to me like you are more gay than bi. Attraction is not something that should be forced or make you feel like you are “looking” for it.

If you took religion and what society expected of you entirely out of the equation, I think it would all be a lot more clear to you. When we take “shoulds” away, you can just settle into what comes naturally to you.

Give yourself time, because it’s not easy to strip away the guilt and shame. It took me years, but I can say I am in a much better place now for having finally accepted my attraction to men.

 

Your confusion is completely understandable: on the one hand, you've grown up in a religion that frowns upon and condemns anything outside of the status quo, so you constantly seek validation via attraction to women. But on the other hand, you're keenly aware of your attraction to men, and almost overshadows any attraction you have to women--perhaps causing you to repress it.

I can't tell you for certain whether you're bisexual or gay; sadly, this is something you will have to work out on your own. But at the very least, maybe I can help you do so. I find questions such as these to be useful:

-Think back to any time you've been attracted/had feelings for the opposite sex. These could be early crushes you had on girls as a child, during the onset of puberty, and so on. What drew your attention to these girls/women? What feelings--emotional and physical--did you experience, if anything at all? Was it a simple curiosity? Did you merely find them pleasing to look at, but otherwise feel nothing for them? Or did you find them fascinating on a personal level and want to know them better--be it as friends or something else?

You don't have to tell me any of your answers, but it might help you to sort out your own feelings, especially when you compare them to how you feel about other guys. Ask yourself the same questions regarding them, and see if there's any overlap. It's entirely possible you're bi with a strong preference for men (or perhaps you notice your attraction to men more because it's seen as taboo), but it's equally possible that you're gay and working through the bargaining stage.

I wish I could help more, but I'm confident you'll figure things out with time. Difficult as it is, try to be patient with yourself during this time; it's a difficult process, working out all the many things that make us who we are. You've done so much already, coming to this point; be proud of yourself, and trust that you'll find your answer.

 

Rememeber, thinking that same women are attractive doesn't mean that you are bi. You are gay and like every gay man can see that domek people are pretty and some are not. Desire is the key.

 

You can like one more than the other and still be Bi take me for example I like both men and women but prefer guys more.

 

My advice is don't worry so much. I was in a similar position to you and I put a lot of pressure on myself to decide if I was bi, gay, or where on the spectrum I was. The best thing you can tell yourself is there's no pressure. Who cares? Just accept you for you and let it flow. Labels are restrictive and have a lot of 'baggage' because of society. I've decided for the time being at least that labels just don't work for me and I'll live my life how I want to, not how any label describes how I should live it. Since then, I've felt lighter and free to feel how I want.

On top of that, it's clear from other people's comments that being gay or bi is understood differently depending on who you ask... So why feel like you need to fit into someone else's box? Especially someone you don't know.

I spent a lot of my life concerned that certain things I liked/didn't like wasn't in line with my sexuality, but now I feel relaxed about everything, I'm just me and it doesn't mean anything if I love football but love barbie dolls too (I don't love barbie dolls but you get my drift).

 

I know exactly how you feel. I have the same thoughts as I do. I ask myself if any attraction is enough or strong enough to call myself bi. No label really feels 100% correct.

 

why are you doing it? I suppose that you want to convince yourself that you are not gay. I don't understand it.

 

At the risk of sounding combative or defensive, your question/comment is inappropriate. It is no one's place to question or determine another's sexuality. They themselves are the only ones who get to decide.

But, in the interest of what I am going to assume what was meant as a genuine and innocent comment, I will answer. Partially, I worded my response poorly and it did not accurately reflect what I was trying to say and I did not reread it before posting. I should have said stuff like I have had those thoughts as well, At this point in time, it is really more a matter of how I am going to choose to label myself, if I want to label myself, or if it is even necessary to label myself. I have not problems with being gay, but after two marriages, three kids, and not being my authentic self for 48 years, it takes a little while to alter your perceptions of yourself.

 

Your point is valid.. its not about convincing, its about perception and what you feel comfortable with. I consider myself bi, and for good reasons. I feel I fit in the middle.. to some degree.. some times more to the one side.. and others more to the other.

Your view of life.. and not being your self for 48 years resonates with me and I can relate ... you are so use to not having the label, introducing one that fits on how you feel becomes a problem, if you even really need one. Considering a bi label as a valid fit for you at this point in time in your life makes sense as that is what you feel comfortable with.

You are 100% correct.. changing the perception of yourself is the hard part where other people can change on a dime.

 

its completely okay to just not know what to label yourself as, and like others said, if you didnt grow up in an accepting environment its harder to accept yourself as you are.
if you dont feel like the label bi fits, even though you can have a preference if you are bi, maybe you could look into the term homoflexible. im not one to tell you what you are, but homoflexible might be a good start for research
i hope this helped

 

Homoflexible ... mmm is an option. As one of the older generation and needing the acceptance of spouse and kids and found bi to be a bit more acceptable in the situation at present. Explaining was the difficult part and agree with bsg75apollo that it becomes a bit more difficult to change ones own perception.

I do like the idea of homoflexible though...

 

But is it only a lable, or part of your identity? Yesterday had a discussion about what did I want to accomplish coming out to my wife. My answer was "some freedom". I can stop with the acting an pretend and just be accepted and if you want to see me with any label, so be it.

"Its complicated"

 

I used to think labels were for others to know us better, but they are more for ourselves, or for those who need to wrestle and subdue popular catch phrases. In a day to day practical sense, labels are meaningless. I don't walk around introducing myself with pan as the prefix or suffix to my name, nor do I ever announce this personal detail in conversations. The only people who are aware of my label are those who know me well enough and are curious/comfortable enough to probe. Then I might have one conversation about it in a calendar year. I think that discovering ones orientation and/or gender is very important, but it can take time. However, landing on a label is of little to no consequence unless that's important to you personally, because others around you probably won't care that much about the label anyway.

 

This is key, I think. When questioning there can be a desire to sort of 'force' a reaction which is understandable but not helpful.

Using my own experiences, I am Bi and more strongly attracted to women (which is part of why it took me a long time to figure it out) and I sometimes still doubt and I sometimes still fall into the trap of trying to force myself to have a reaction to prove it...

But then, when I do see a guy I find attractive, boom, it's there, no question and no doubt. It just happens. It happens more often with women but it's just as undeniable when it does with men.

For the OP, I'd say try not to worry about it so much. It's ok to not be 100% sure. If it feels right it is right.

 

Labels really don't matter I just prefer the label Bi because I feel part of a community !

 

Is attraction enough? Or the feeling that there is more to it. True, a lable is just a lable, but as Jake says, it does give you a reference point being part of a community and with what you feel comfortable, bi or gay.

 

Attraction by itself is probably not enough, true. In my post I was just using that as a shorthand.

Ultimately a label should be a tool to aid in understanding or describing, not a straitjacket holding someone to its exact definition.

 

I love this!