Bad therapy...?

That's great! I'm sure that you'll find the group process extremely validating. It certainly is for me, in the two that I'm in.

 

So -- more full disclosure -- I have a masters degree in family and marital counseling, I am not a psychologist. I am not in practice currently, I've applied my skills to business and commercial issues.

I have seen damage, real damage, done by talk therapy. Someone who is OCD, self harming, has major depression, bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder, has addiction issues -- those things, IMO, absolutely must be treated by someone who has a definitive tool kit to draw on.

In the last 10 - 12 years -- the field has changed immensely. In fact, I'm going to go so far to say that unless an older therapist has gone back for the latest training, then find a younger therapist who most certainly has the latest training.

The point of therapy isn't to feel good or just to have someone to talk to. The point of therapy is to make a lasting difference in a person's life. There is research that shows the old talk based methods simply don't have a lasting effect. Personally, if you're going to invest your time, put your life in someone's hands -- my suggestion is to give yourself the best chance.

Yes, having "chemistry" with a therapist is key to making the relationship work. I took the time to read my shrink's PhD thesis -- I wanted to know that he would get me!

And for many of us that is key. Learning how to be vulnerable, expressive, to communicate, to trust -- that happens in the safe confines of the therapist's office.

It's hard to switch shrinks. Worse, its very hard to go into therapy with someone new -- when you feel you've not been helped. So starting with the right one makes so much sense. I am NOT a fan of EAPs (employee assistance programs), where you get some "free" sessions when stuff is happening. Why start with the 2nd string -- go right to someone who has a full arsenal available to him or her!

During my divorce, I had a talk based therapist. She was fantastic at getting me through the grieving, getting some confidence back, making my daily life work as a father. She was great for that. She would have been awful for the kind of work I've done in the past 6 months - accepting myself as gay and coming out. (and she is lesbian and specializes in LGBT relationship issues).

I'm passionate about this -- from both a personal and professional standpoint.

I appreciate your point of view Rainbowman. O'Connell's article is well reasoned. Unfortunately managed care, not just the nytimes, are the driver of those kind of questions - when a person only has coverage for a dozen or so sessions.

There is never just one best way to work through things in therapy. IMO, though, some are clearly at the top of the list.

 

Actually, I think even with talk therapy you can get immense amount of things done. My therapist is talk therapist, I was suffering with OCD, and we zoned in on my sexuality issues together. My OCD disappeared, because I think that's what was causing it. He has been great, and he's sexually oriented as gay (though married to a woman, funny enough). But as a therapist, he's open to what makes one happy, and he knows how to get to the bottom of a problem. At least in my case.

 

Unfortunately, yes. The first person I ever came out to in person face-to-face was a therapist. I was eighteen years old, and I was seeing him about my serious depression.

He kept insisting that I go to some area he knew about and basically hook up with a male prostitute. It was important for me "to make sure" that I was gay. I never told him that I had lost my virginity when I was around twelve, and had been in a sexual relationship with the same guy until I was about sixteen, and we had had sex more than I could remember. (I struggled just admitting I was gay!)

After ten to fifteen visits he broke up with me. He told me that if I wasn't going to take his advice to not bother coming back. It was one of the worst experiences I've ever had with a medical professional. It took me years before I went to seek help again, and even then I never came out to her. Unfortunately, the second one was working with a psychologist who was all about pushing pills. They were doping me up, and I eventually stopped seeing them all together and going off the medication.

Last year (nearly eight years later) I went back into therapy. I've been seeing this one for over a year, and things have been going well. I've come out to him, he's been supportive, etc. Pretty much everything a real therapist should do.

 

The thing is, you have to be honest with yourself and with your therapist, and be aware that if you are not making progress, or if something is not working, you need to try someone or something else. There are amazing talk therapists out there that can help to create incredible change. I wouldn't doubt a therapist merely on style, but on relationship and results.

I started seeing a talk therapist about 6 months ago, nearly every week. I had been to her for a few sessions last year, but I returned in earnest when in November I saw a photo of myself that one of my kids had taken. I realized right then and there that I was eating myself into an early grave as a way of dealing with my issues. I had come out nearly seven years before, but in the horrific aftermath, had been bullied back into my marriage. My marriage had quickly taken on some very unhealthy dynamics that were all about suppressing and repressing my sexuality and keeping me quiet in order to save the marriage. I lived in fear all the time. Fear of speaking about gay issues, of speaking about my sexuality, of saying "no" to sex, of seeming too gay, of wearing clothes that were too gay-looking, of supporting same-sex couples or gay rights, of even being suspected of wanting to be more visible, of my unhappiness being found out, of appearing to be anything other than the straight, evangelical-church-going, home-schooling mother of four that I was. I was dying inside. And when I saw the pic, I thought, "Ohmygosh. This is literally killing me!" I'd gained 80 pounds in 7 years.

So two days later my big ass was on the therapy couch. And the next morning it was in the gym. And I've hardly missed either since then. It has been a complete lifeline. But bear in mind that I found this therapist by being completely upfront about why I was there. I wrote the clinic and said that I was gay in a straight marriage, it's causing problems, and I wanted a therapist who was gay-friendly and did not support changing gay people or conversion therapy. And so I got exactly what I asked for.

The changes started small. With fear and trepidation, I started bodybuilding, wondering if people would see how gay I was, the heavier weight I lifted. Then with trembling hands I wandered into Old Navy and bought - gasp! - a plaid flannel shirt (which I almost never wear - it's just iconic, I guess), and some other shirts and sweaters that made me feel more like myself - less frill, less "mom" look. There were even the colors blue and brown among the lot - colors I'd been terrified to wear for fear my family would freak out that I was trying to look too gay. To my utter shock, my family liked my clothes! And I'd been so freaked out to make even the smallest changes!! Then a couple months later I hit a wall (probably effected by therapy) and stopped home-schooling. All four kids went back to public school, which gave us more community and gave us more support and the kids suddenly had a life outside our walls. Such a relief! It also gave me more thinking time. I got a tattoo on my arm that says "worthy," and made plans for several more. Then as my confidence in myself grew, my understanding of my own self-worth and my worthiness to be heard, to be seen, to be treated with respect and dignity as a whole person, I started opening up to my husband a bit more about my inner world. I realized that our dynamic had been hurting him too. I got a nose piercing, and finally I started feeling like I looked like the person that I am on the inside. I had slowly been shutting out my apocalyptic-evangelical-homophobic-"love one out"-mother who wreaked havoc on my life when I came out, and was addressing that conflict proactively. I came out to a friend from church, and found a staunch ally.

I started realizing that my weight issues weren't' because I was gay. They were because I'm crap at handling conflict! That was a really big breakthrough! And gives me more direction about how to go about navigating my relationships - particularly, my bad patterns to watch for and handle with more appropriate care.

Then the clincher - last week I asked my husband to stop grabbing my boobs and crotch a random. I'm uncomfortable with sex anyway, and I particularly hate this supposed-share-excitement that he projects on me. And as expected, it brought the house of cards down. Because I can now be honest about my needs, both what I want to see in my life, and what I can no longer accept, we are taking a good long honest look at where we go from here, because our needs are in such juxtaposition. Subjects that were absolutely taboo a few months ago, we are talking about freely, openly, even laughing and sharing in ways that we haven't ever before. We are eye-to-eye adults. And I feel like a free person - free to make a choice, to go or stay as I choose. I feel visible. And I even feel loved, and understood as far as he can possibly understand. the therapy has been so helpful, so vital in building myself up, in growing me up into an emotional adult, in making me into a more open and vulnerable and responsive individual, that we've been able to address things head on without attacking each other. Even though it's so difficult to talk through the possible end of a marriage, I'm not an absolute basket case like I would have been even a few short months ago.

This would never have been possible without going through therapy. Never in a million years. I'm such a huge proponent of therapy - of GOOD therapy. I think a year of therapy should be a prerequisite to things like marriage, parenting, care-taking jobs…. But I have to say: this is my fourth therapist. Every other one lasted exactly one session. You can just tell when you don't jive. And this one, I clicked with her and it's been good ever since. A good therapist is worth his/her weight in gold!!

Sorry for the novela. I'm super passionate about this subject because it's made such a difference in my life.