And up from the dark, forlorn depths of his own mind arose The Enigmatic!

So an update huh? Well lets get this ball rolling.......

I'm not exactly sure when I stopped coming here, mostly because I don't remember much at times. I hit another rough patch, like I said I have no idea when it started or finished for that matter, all I know is that I'm back!
Well as none of you know I started year 11 this February and that's kind of a big deal? I technically should have started last year but extenuating circumstances lead to me "repeating" year 8. I used the quotation marks because I didn't fail because of grades I just stopped going.
So school was ok I was still not really myself because I was just coming out of yet another previous rough patch. The school work was easy-peasy, I'm apparently "bright" which means I could be intelligent if I tried harder. Everything was fine, I found a quirky/awesome guy in my Literature class - who I knew was gay at first glance - and we hung out during class.
I enjoyed all my subjects - Biology, Physics, Chemistry, Psychology, Literature and Maths - my teachers were all.......interesting? :lol:
My Biology teacher somehow picked up on the fact that I was troubled and offered a sympathetic ear. Regretfully I declined and said I was fine. :eusa_doh:

You may have noticed that I do tend to go off-track a bit and I apologies to anyone who actually reads this.

Looking back now I know school wasn't as fine as I thought it was, I was more or less wading my way through in a zombified state. Meaning I was just there doing as I was told and not actually being there mentally? I applaud you if you have any idea of what I'm trying to say there lol.
So I was doing the whole school thing until 2 weeks before the end of term 1, so it was around the start of March, then I suddenly spiralled down even further to "the dark place" as my counsellor and I named it. It pretty much means that I withdrawal from society completely and live a a hermit in my room. It's pretty nasty I don't eat, I hardly wash or even go to the toilet, I don't talk to anyone and go out of my way to avoid them.......it even leads to me doing stupid things like thinking of suicide, cutting myself and doing one of the things I detest: using drugs - in my case it's smoking marijuana. :eusa_naug

So that's pretty much where I've been for the start of the year, I was semi-ok from mid December of last year right up until the end of January. Which isn't that long of a time span for me to be ok considering we're almost at the half way point of the year.
It sucks when this happens because my life is pretty much in shambles when I'm ok again. It takes me a while to get things going with my friends again and of course my school work suffers dearly.
This time it actually cost me my place at school so I'm no longer in year 11 :dry: which means I'm now another year behind in my schooling and all my current friends who should be a year level below me will now be above me next year.
I'm going to miss out on a bit but I really want to make something of myself, although what that is I have no idea and more importantly how I'm going to do it; seeing as how my family has no money for me to go to uni and I haven't even had my first job - I'm 17 already =S.
Gah again with the rambling! But I tend to hurry these things because I like getting it all down so I have a record.

So I've been ok for 2 weeks now, I'm slowly detoxing myself from all the nasty habits I collected while I wasn't there.
I've started doing a course in Hospitality to fill the time until I can go back to school.
I'm pretty much just learning to cook/prepare food, improve my non-existent culinary skills, I'll legally be able to serve alcohol after this (!) , along with the cooking stuff I'll be learning how to serve customers, manage the floor, take orders and so on. I'm hoping I'll improve my social skills more than anything because like I say I'm the Webster's Dictionary definition of a social retard.
My course runs until September and after that I'm hoping to pick a a quick stint of full time work, just as a tester to see if I can handle it - nothing serious just work.

On a lighter note more people know I'm gay (&&&) I still find it hard to tell people though. I'm not happy with my mum, I believe she is telling people my not so secret secret. If you knew the people my family socialized with you'd be on my side. I'm - slowly - trying to emerge myself into my towns gay community, apparently we have one here. :eek:
As for my out status with my family I'm uncertain if my Nan knows, she lives with us :eusa_danc and I can't ask her just in case she doesn't know. I know it's not the best thing to do but I want her to pass on without ever finding out. I was closer to my Nan as a child and now she's pretty sick, hence the living with us.
No one else in my family that I know of knows, people like my aunts and uncles cousins ect. My mum found out by accident, she'd still be in the dark if I had it my way, I've mentioned in my other drudgingly long post that I don't know my father. Although I did text him a while back asking who he was then replying with my name, general idea of my age and even my name - he remained oblivious to who I was. :tantrum: Although I may just send him a text some time in the near future telling him how I fell about him and thank for helping me become the person I am today through his lack of interest in me.

*realizes he's ranted and gone of topic ages ago*

I'm starting to consider going back to getting counselling again and going to the doctor and inquiring about anti-depressants. Not that I'm all that keen on the idea I just really need something to keep me stable.
I'm still far too thin for my liking so I'll try to work on that, which will include getting over my vegetable phobia.
I've re-re-re-re-given up that ugly time consuming, money guzzling game called World of Warcraft. I was almost up to my tenth gamecard brining the total spendings on WoW up to $850 Aus - I brought a world of warcraft keyboard as well, I also had to buy numerous headphones with mics because I kept breaking them lol.

All in all I'm ok for the moment - no one would actually be foolish enough to read thins whole thing - So yeah that's my life at the moment.

Oops with all that ranting I forgot to ask for a piece of advice: I live with my Mum, Nan, younger brother-15 and younger sister-5. Now my mum knows I'm gay, I don't want my Nan to know, my little sister will grow up knowing I'm gay so she'll be fine but I sill have to confront my younger brother. We are the only siblings who share the same Mother and Father and regretfully I think he sees me a a mentor of sorts, growing up without a father figure I was all he had he copies me far too much for my liking lol. Off-track again - So I'm not sure how Homophobic he is, he calls me "gay" all the time and I just roll my eyes. I don't know why but I need to tell him, I think he's finally catching on though. He asked me the other day why I didn't have a girlfriend, he knows I own a copy of Brokeback Mountain and he found my porn bookmarks - which consisted solely of semi-naked guys making out in various forms.
So once I tell him I'll have to move on to my older sister - 19 - who doesn't live at home anymore and made my life hell while she was around. So again I have no idea how she'll react.

Fudge! I should just start a blog and give you poor people a rest I hope it was at least mildly interesting if anyone read it. (*hug*)

 

Sorry it's all over the place I was just typing without thinking and made no effort to go back and edit it. I'll be sure to answer any questions if you have them, lucky for y'all that I didn't edit it or else it would be longer.
So ya if anything in there is even remotely interesting I'll extend on it and actually explain what I was trying to say.
Bleh I should start writing stories again so I won't have such long rants. :icon_redf

 

Yer i remember you by ur pic not ur username :] i couldnt be asked readin allll that sorry, just tooo long , but welcome back