Analyzing my childhood for "gay" actions...

Let me ask, If you got results that told you that you are gay/bi, what would you do? I remember feeling so desperate for answers that i took online tests, like the Kinsey test, just to know, but that solved nothing. It took me a while to know for sure, but only YOU will know. If it takes time, take that time. Cause it won't just happen from getting help from EC, i mean that may help but only you know yourself. Let me ask, Are you being over analytical because you don't want to be gay/bi?

 

Well, lets just say, hypothetically you are. No matter what if you are, you can't change that. Do you think your parents will accept this? Also, being gay IS normal. Times like this make me hate the hetero normative society we live in. Like before just take that time to figure things out. Would you get a bad reaction if you came out? Also, i want you to 100% truthfully think what gender you want to be with, picture the same senario, holding hands with someone, having sex with, one day marrying, and what gender that person is. This time, imagine a world where no one judges lgbt people. I think maybe the reason you've been over thinking things is because we live in a hetero normative world. You can be christian and gay, you can have a normal relationship with your family. Are the homophobic?

 

I really DO NOT want to be gay/bi. I just want to be normal.

That's insulting really "Normal" is how you define it. Reading you are Christian, it is less surprising, because you can think of the Bible as homophobic, but that doesn't mean that it is right. Moreover, homosexuality is present in nature too, if that is how you're going to define normal.

But by saying you don't want to be gay/bi, you just to be normal, you're actually saying that people like me are abnormal..

 

Many gay guys think these things (about wanting a "normal" life) when first coming to terms with being gay. The so-called "normal" life usually revolves around marriage and children.

Fitting into society (or at least the part of it close to you that really matters) is possible if you surround yourself with friends who are gay or gay-friendly.

You also don't have to have a moral crisis or debate to be gay and Christian. Many Christian denominations have become more pro-gay, especially in recent years. It may be as simple as attending a different church to get past this issue. The most conservative / orthodox churches have hijacked the conversation about what defines "Christian" practice and living. But with dozens of Christian denominations, there are differing opinions within the church on almost everything - including gay relationships.

I used to think it was weird to see gay couples, or entertain the thought of living with a man. What got me over that was to meet actual gay couples who are living together.

I think the feeling of "weird" stems from unfamiliarity / foreignness. The media tend to show only young, good-looking, single gay men, leaving other guys pretty much invisible. The young/good-looking thing is part of the Hollywood universe. The single thing is a result of censorship - that only recently has it become permissible to show gay men being affectionate in movies, TV shows, etc. Anyone who isn't living in the gay community or who doesn't already have gay friends is not going to see what life really is like for gay men, particularly the older guys.

 

one of my childhood gay actions was kissing a boy when I was 4.

 

I always knew I was different, apart from like sexual experiences I had had when I was like in elementary school, I always knew that a part of me was different. I didn't want to be different, I just was. I realized I was gay when I was in 6th/7th grade, I struggled with it, I thought maybe it was just a phase, I desperately wanted it to be a phase. and then I hoped I were bisexual, or that maybe I was just a late bloomer, that my attraction towards vaginas would come later on, but it never did. I tormented myself with self hurt, and thoughts of ending my life for those 2 years.

and then just bam in 8th grade, I was alone in my house contemplating ending it once and for all, so I decided to go online to see what would be the fastest and gentlest way to do it, you kno, I like googled and searched on youtube. so I went to my bathroom and just sat there naked, just thinking you kno, and then I realized that I just had to accept it, to love myself for who I was or else no one else would. I accepted it, I was 14, I will never forget it, saying those 3 words out loud. I AM GAY, it felt so liberating.

---------- Post added 2nd May 2014 at 12:11 AM ----------

confuseduser99, if u wanna talk I am here, I may not be the best example of a gay person, but at least I can be a friend. you know the phrase it gets better, that starts happening when you accept it first, when I said it out loud, that is when acceptance came, and denial went away.

 

From your profile, it says you're in Ontario. I don't know if you're close to Toronto, but if you can, I'd suggest paying a visit to the gay village there. Find a restaurant or coffee house, have lunch, and observe. This will shatter a lot of misconceptions about gay life, particularly about guys who are over 40.

See this link for a description of Toronto's gay village, and how to get there: Toronto Gay Village - Church Street Village Toronto - Church and Wellesley Toronto - Church Wellesley Gay District - Church Gay Village Photos

 

Being gay is normal and nothing wrong with it . Very soon you will start accepting yourself and you will find out that it is very normal . I second piano71 suggestion go and observe .
Good luck

 

Just an interesting tit bit... When you fall in love with someone... Everything changes... You won't see the physical because you're involved mentally. Age, looks etc. becomes unimportant because you're with someone that means the world to you... It's like all imperfections disappear...

It's weird, I always thought physical attraction and youth was all that matters... But that sort of fades away... You'll experience that so don't break your head on the notion that you can't see yourself in a relationship with a guy or see yourself as an old couple... Those things tend to sort themselves out and is a non factor that will disappear completely once you meet THE ONE, whether that's a guy or a girl...

I bet you you can't see yourself with an old lady either... We just can't see ourselves in old relationships either way because we are young... But luckily young becomes your age as you age... So when you're 81, another 80 year old will be young for you... It's weird but it works that way! Age is just a number and the older you get the more irrelevant it becomes.

 

Step back, look at that from a third party point of view.... You're looking at a guy who is checking out guys not girls... Get turned on by guys... Not by girls... What does that tell you about the guy?

Btw, that guy is you... :icon_wink

I know it's not what you want to hear but you need to look at the facts, sugar will never taste like salt because it's sugar, no matter how much you want the sugar to BE salt.

It's not easy... Being truthfull to yourself and seeing things for what they are especially if these things go against so many values that you think defines you.

The thing is, you need to come to the conclusion yourself. I can't tell you what or who you are, neither can anyone else on this forum or anyone for that matter. Only you know the truth, whether it makes you comfortable or uncomfortable, whether you like it or not, whether you agree with it or not...

Do you have valid fears in facing the truth? Absolutely... Unfortunately there will always be those who will judge and discriminate. That said, there are just as many who will support and be there for you and even better, those who love you will be there for you.

The fears you have are chains... The minute you free yourself from them you'll realise that it's not as bad as you thought it would be, in fact it's pretty darn good and things get soooooooo much better. You're meant to be who you are and not what you think others expect you to be... Not having to pretend is very liberating and will allow you to grow in so many other areas of your life reaching your full potential.

Small steps at a time... First, You need to identify what you are, then learn to accept it, then learn to love yourself... It's a process but you'll get there.

 

That's the right attitude to have and you've already taken steps to deal with it by being on here and talking about it. It's not easy, but it gets easier as you get to know yourself and realise that it's not the end of the World.

In many ways I'm still on my journey and have only recently come to terms with my sexuality... I mean I've always know but was hellbent on trying to straighten myself out and was clawing onto the small hope that I might be Bi and might fall in love with a girl...

I've since realised that I've been bluffing myself... When I step back and look at myself from a distance, I realise that I'm gay and pretty much every one knew that for years... It was just me denying it, in effect I was the one judging myself!

Like you, I felt like I couldn't be open to a relationship, in fact I pretty much walled myself in and couldn't get emotionally involved with anyone, guy or girl... I thought I'd never ever fall in love. But I was wrong. The min I realised I was gay, and that I had to accept it... Things changed. I stoped analising myself, you know where you basically disect your every feeling and action... It's the constant analising that prevents you from moving forward because you're not allowing yourself just to be what ever you are. I stopped over thinking things and just went with the flow allowing myself not to think into the future but just experience the present.

I met a guy two months ago, and what began as just a friendship has actually turned into full blown butterflies in the pit of my stomach and walking on clouds! In the past I blocked any feelings like that from happening because it frightened the living daylight out of me!

We are a couple now and it is amazing! I don't have a crystal ball and don't know what the future holds, but I'm not going to let that uncertainty take Controll of my life again.

Guess what I wanted to say is that you should put the effort in and not waste as much time as I have... Things are going to be ok!

 

I think it's just you allowing yourself the freedom to explore yourself, which I don't think you've done in the past.