Am I too nice? Dating apps and questions?

I normally don't post in this section because I worry that I have little or nothing to offer, but in the case of dating apps I did have some recent experience. Also some of this is just my thoughts on what you said.

Sounds about right.

Some dating apps have bots and fake accounts. If this is a question you are being asked you might be on one of those sites and people who have "been around" have learned to be cautious. But I have to laugh because simply asking if you're a bot is pretty dumb when you think about it. They also might be asking because your profile might look too good to be true? Like maybe you look like a super model.

That's sort of adorable actually. I get that way myself. Is she younger? usually if I get that way it is because I am VERY hopeful and panicking that I messed it all up somehow.

Yep. Many profiles are abandoned for various reasons. But the biggest modern day problem in this world is failure to communicate properly. People either never developed these skills, or it's the way they are on the internet. It's very difficult to get to know someone who will not give you an opening or opportunity because they give you curt, closed ended responses. We are all guilty of this due to many factors like time and schedules, or maybe we just aren't in the mood, but the internet is plagued with it. I feel like I just went off on another topic, sorry. The goal for you is to find the one who is socially compatible with what you desire and need.

You're probably a super model and don't realize it. No, just be patient, take your time to read profiles and reach out to those that interest you.

I can't answer this but it would surprise me if it were true because the 40 something assistant manager of a nearby grocery store catches my attention every time I see her.

You're either too attractive and intimidate the shit out of women, or you are being too hard on yourself. Are these mirror shots? Don't do mirror shots, that's so 2010. I still see them all the time though. Maybe include a photo of you doing something fun like one of your hobbies.

Yes. On the internet they are. It's the world we live in unfortunately. It does seem odd I know, when it's happening on a site that is intended for that purpose. We hear about these hook up sites and wonder, why is it so courageous to put yourself out there on a legit dating app when people are out having one night stands from a hookup app? That seems far more dangerous to me. It tells me that people are more concerned about emotional wounds than they are physical ones.

 

A mirror shot involved Jello, alcohol, and no, wrong topic. Yes, selfies taken in a mirror because it's easier to get a full body shot that way than learning how to use all the features of a phones camera.

No need to show us pictures of your supermodel self, we understand. But if you ever do want to show media such as selfies or your cat or anything, you can create an album and upload media to it. There are security features that allow you to set different privacy levels ranging from everyone on the forum, members only, people you follow only, or even type in individual names, which should definitely include me because deep down I know I'm right. Bonus points if you show us chocolate cake!

 

"Showing up is 80% of the work".. and I commend you for it. It seems that you are doing that. I can not give input (Wonderlost is doing a good job of that) But would like to make a general comment, although from a guy (ish) point of view. The insecurities that you are feeling can be mutual.. those that you feel, and those that the other person feels, may be the same.. (or different) but believe that there will be those differences. I have found that "acting" confident puts the other person at ease, and allows them to let their guard down. I would also like to add that you should enjoy these experiences, and don't be to hard on your self, to future may be exciting, especially with the fresh start you are aiming for.

 

I think it can be difficult to find a partner at any age it’s just that in general when you are younger more opportunities tend to present themselves (although not always to LGBT people) and so it seems like people don’t have to work so hard. I think this can also be true for making friends.
I think the other thing as you get older is that most people come with baggage or life experience. This isn’t necessarily a negative it’s just that people have perhaps had previous failed relationships or been hurt in the past and so can be more reluctant to put themselves out there or be vulnerable with people. I think sometimes with nervous people if you are interested in them, if you can just give them a bit of extra time and patience then this can lessen as they become more comfortable. Don’t give up I am sure there will be plenty of girls who would be interested in being friends or dating you just give it a bit of time.

 

Vikki, your profile picture looks very normal and nice and approachable, if this is the kind of photo you are using on the apps. I am older than you (47 about to turn 48) and I find using the apps very time consuming - lots of messages that just peter out...I try to arrange a date sooner rather than later, in the hope I might mutually connect with someone someday.

 

Vikki, please don't sell yourself short. You are beautiful and I'm sure that you have much to share with the right person.

 

I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit I have quite a bit of experience using dating apps, having used them off and on for about ten years during my "post-divorce but still thinking I'm straight" days. My experience of being a man trying to date women using dating sites will probably not be entirely the same as that of a woman looking to meet other women, but I might be able to offer some input.

Yes, I do think people tend to notice photos first, so it's good to have at least a few, preferably ones with you smiling and/or possibly doing some activity you enjoy. For instance, I would sometimes use photos of me hiking or playing guitar. I do think it's a good idea to have something written on your profile. I don't think there's really a right or wrong way to go about that, but I think it's helpful if you keep it positive. Write about your positive qualities, what it is your looking for in a person, or basically anything that would give the impression that you believe something positive will come from your efforts on the app. I would often see profiles mostly made up of lists of qualities they don't want in a person, or they might say something that gave a strong impression that they felt like the whole endeavor was hopeless, which I believe are good ways to get the opposite of what you want.

Also, for me at least, it wasn't uncommon to send messages to multiple people and to hear back from only a few of them or to have the conversations fizzle out pretty quickly. It's easy to get discouraged, but even if twenty people in a row don't respond (and I really don't think that would happen to you), it's all worth it when you do connect with even just one person who gets you.

I think it's also worth mentioning that, in my experience, there was a direct correlation between how good I felt about myself / how optimistic I felt about the process and how many replies I got, how engaging the conversations were, and how many dates I went on, even if I was using the exact same photos and profile write-up the entire time. I don't think it's a big secret at this point that positive attracts positive. So there's my unsolicited advice for you.

As far as the struggles of dating when you're over 40... Again, I think it varies from person to person, and as mentioned earlier, I think a lot of it has to do with a person's self-esteem and their optimism for a good outcome. Personally, I had an easier time when I was in my late 30s/early 40s than I did when I was in my teens/early 20s. Just keep moving forward and finding ways to stay positive, and I'm sure you'll be meeting the people you hope to meet before too long.

 

Vikki, I think you look great! I would be into you if I were into that type of thing.

I wouldn't take internet dating too seriously. It's the same at any age, because people don't think the standards of real life apply to the virtual world. So there's a lot of ignoring people, dropping conversations, arranging to meet and not actually going through with it, fake profiles, real but somewhat fictionalised profiles ... I wouldn't take any of it personally. Just treat it as a bit of fun and hope that you get lucky. It only has to happen once!

 

I agree with the comments up above.

You look great and I commend you for putting yourself out there. There's nothing wrong with you. I don't know if you're too nice, but why would that be a bad thing? What's bad is the opposite - not being nice. The important thing is that you develop some common sense filtering skills and keep the weirdos and flakes away. Easier said than done, I know.

I have dabbled in this in the past for short periods and found it grueling. It wasn't for me. It didn't fit in with how I like to relate to people. First, it was a lot of work. And, then, there are the types of people who are way out of range with their strangeness, flakey, or needy. Once you've gotten past those, there are some nice people looking for the same things you're looking for.

How has it gone for you with functions and activities conducted in person? I have always found those safer and even more fruitful. If you don't meet someone special through apps or even in person, it would be also be good if these adventures at least resulted in new friends.