Hey, I’m 19 years old at university and I have struggled sexually with girls almost chronically. I cannot have one night stands as I am never able to get or maintain an erect ion when I do so. I can maintain erections with someone after a few times but it takes so long for me to be able to finish. I am able to finish quickly by myself which led me to think that it is just something performance anxiety related but I cannot seem to stop thinking it might bc I’m gay to the point where if I am having sex I think about some gay sex act in order to possibly push me over the edge but I often then lose my erection. I have historically fancied girls and got with girls and never fancied boys or experimented with them to any degree when drunk. I have watched gay porn a couple of times and didn’t hate it but I fit down my usage and no longer have any desire to watch anything. I think I may be gay purely because of this seeming disconnect between me and girls, and the fact that I did have some thoughts about giving bjs which caused some change of feeling in my chest and arms of hotness yet I’m not sure if this is sexual attraction/arousal because l did not become erect etc.
No one can tell you you're gay or not, that's up to you to decide. It doesn't read like you've ever been attracted to men? Attraction generally is a key component. Did someone put the idea that you were gay into your head or is it something you've been thinking about for quite some time (when I was at high school, gay was thrown around as an insult, it was seldom ever true)? Did it originate from not being able to maintain your arousal? For me, at 19, I knew I had a level of attraction but I told myself I didn't. It reads like you have problems maintaining your arousal level during sex regardless whether you're thinking of hetero or homosexual thoughts. I'm not a sexual therapist but it seems like you may be experiencing some form of anxiety and/or may require a deeper connection to the individual to be sexually aroused by them. At 19, not knowing your health situation, I would suspect that you shouldn't be having any issue with maintaining an erection and given your young age, I guess it would be quite difficult to talk to a doctor or therapist about your experiences so I sympathise with your plight. You're obviously worried about it, which could be affecting your performance when you're with girls, especially since your able to masturbate easily. What are you fantasizing about when you're alone by yourself? The feelings you have had when thinking about giving oral to men could simply be nervousness and having these thoughts doesn't men you're gay either because said thoughts could be put in to your mind due to all the confusion you're going through at the moment trying to work out whether your straight, gay or somewhere in between.
yeah I never have fancied a guy like I’ve never gone home and found a picture of a guy I know from school or out of a tv show and masturbated to them. The thoughts about possibly being gay definitely originated from not being able to maintain arousal bc I couldn’t think of any other reason. Another factor was bc I was name called as gay in middle school just bc I was a book worm and wasn’t very good at football etc. etc. When I’m alone by myself I don’t think about guys and normally look at girls but I’ve not really had the urge to do anything alone for a month or two bc of how I’ve been feeling about the whole situation idk. Again I’m 19 so this kinda signals something isn’t right to me.
Given your statement that when you're alone you normally look at girls but normal doesn't mean all the time. That's ok. Curiosity is natural and doesn't mean you're gay. Bisexuality exists for this very reason, for people who are attracted to both and the attraction doesn't have to be equal. I am not saying you're bisexual either, sexuality is a complex topic and only you deep down, know the answer. If you've not had the urge to masturbate for a couple of months now you need to look at why this is? Is it because you're afraid of whom you might fantasize about so you'd simply rather not? Are you worried about being gay and if so, why? Remember, it's ok to be gay or bisexual. You don't have to tell anyone, that's entirely up to you. Acceptance is a tool to move forward. Anxiety and stress will kill any mood and that will most definitely affect your performance and urges. Just take some time to focus on you. You're young and shouldn't be in any hurry to label yourself. Things may be become clearer in time once you stop focusing on what your sexuality is or should be and just enjoy the early stages of adulthood. If you're fixated on it, it's going to do more harm than good. Many of us came to our acceptance later in life but went through periods like you're experiencing now and the worry never leads to a good place.
Having arousal/erection problems when you're with women does not make you gay. The fact that you don't feel any excitement or connection whatsoever to men and it doesn't sound remotely interesting to masturbate to fantasies of men pretty much rule out the possibility you are gay. It is far more likely there's anxiety, some form of underlying trauma, or something of that nature that's at play here. The fact that you have no problem masturbating by yourself tells us it isn't a biological issue. This may well tie in with self-esteem, worthiness, and/or messages, beliefs, or experiences when you were younger. Can you think of any experiences you had that could point in that direction?
