advice for coming out to my non-homophobic family? (kinda want to come out, kinda don't)

I want to come out to my immediate family, but I also really don’t.


I’ve basically known that I wasn’t heterosexual since I was 11 - at least, that’s when I started questioning things - and ever since, discussing sexuality, relationships, boys, LGBT topics, has been relatively uncomfortable for me. By now, I’m definitely past the age where I can say, “Ew, boys!” without assumptions being made.


I’m bisexual, and I’ve never been in a relationship. The idea of having a boyfriend kind of instinctually repulses/irritates me, so I think that would be more unlikely in the future, but it could happen, as I am attracted to men physically speaking.


I have a mother and father and an older brother. None of them are homophobic, and my mother always says that she’ll love me no matter what. In fact, she has straight up asked me whether I “batted for the other team” before. Of course, that was the most terrifying experience of my life, and I said “no” immediately. This has happened a couple of times, and with people other than my mother. I’m not sure exactly how others perceive me, but I think some things about me hint that I’m not heterosexual.


Also, I’m pretty sure my mom saw my copy of “Lesbian Ethics” by Saria Lucia Hoagland on my bookshelf (a lucky find from a little free library). In any case, with my mom, I’m pretty sure she’s just waiting for me to come out. At my ripe age, having never had a boyfriend and never told her about any crushes on males, I think I’m giving a lot of indications I’m not straight to her.


There’s also the fact that I read a lot of feminist theory, have short hair, dress like a tomboy, etc. All the stereotypes. There really aren’t that many barriers stopping me from coming out to her. Except, the things stopping me are pretty strong.


First of all, there’s just terror. Cowardice. I know she won’t react badly, but I’m nervous she’ll make weird assumptions or be uncomfortable around me. Also, if I come out (to anyone), then that’ll put a timeline on things. It’ll mean that I’ll eventually have to come out to my grandparents and other relatives and family friends. I doubt my parents would out me, but they might slip, too. And right now, it’s kind of like my secret. I hate the hiding, the edging around conversation topics, the fibbing about what books I’m reading, but at the same time, it’s grown comforting, and I don’t want to leave the bubble.


Those are my reservations with my mom. Not too many, actually, and I know I have a very great situation in comparison to most people.


With my father - honestly, I’m not certain whether he’s noticed anything. He’s never made any oblique remarks like my mom, and he hasn’t seen any of the books I’m reading (like my Lillian Faderman books). When I was younger, he sometimes said some stereotypical dad stuff, like about having to beat away boys with sticks, but ever since I actually realized I’m bisexual, there’s been nothing. He’s intelligent, and he’s probably seeing the same hints as my mom, but he’s coming from a very different perspective, as a man, so it’s possible he’s just too ignorant to see that, generally speaking, girls who like boys don’t behave like this.


I don’t know, though. Anyway, my reservations are about the same, except there are a couple other factors.
With my father - honestly, I’m not certain whether he’s noticed anything. He’s never made any oblique remarks like my mom, and he hasn’t seen any of the books I’m reading (like my Lillian Faderman books). When I was younger, he sometimes said some stereotypical dad stuff, like about having to beat away boys with sticks, but ever since I actually realized I’m bisexual, there’s been nothing. He’s intelligent, and he’s probably seeing the same hints as my mom, but he’s coming from a very different perspective, as a man, so it’s possible he’s just too ignorant to see that, generally speaking, girls who like boys don’t behave like this.



I don’t know, though. Anyway, my reservations are about the same, except there are a couple other factors. One of the things stopping me is...embarrassingly, spite. He's not homophobic, as I said, but he's definitely rooted in that privileged, well-educated, classically handsome, heterosexual white male from a middle class family, perspective. Like, sometimes he'll ignorantly say something that is offensive. Lol, he didn't know that nowadays, it's not okay to call lesbians “dykes”, unless you're a lesbian. Also, he's kind of spiritual, and it's very obvious that he thinks that only heterosexual couplings are normal, and homosexual ones are abnormalities. (The whole “yin and yang” shebang.) If I dated a woman, broke up with her, then dated a man, he would be very happy and relieved, and he would believe that I had finally found “healthy masculine energy and integrated my animus” or something. It's very irritating to think about. I think he believes a lesbian relationship isn't as real or healthy as a heterosexual one. So, in a way, keeping it from him is kind of like a “fuck you”. I love him, of course, and he's otherwise a great father, and it's not like he's actually homophobic – my parents have a couple lesbian friends (not super close, more the “we'll occasionally have tea together” kind of friends), though they're more my mom's friends than his – but he definitely has subtle prejudices. If I came out to him, I can see him accepting it, but also being very relieved I'm bisexual, not lesbian. I think if I came out as lesbian, he might expect it to be a phase.




Yes, it's definitely much more loaded with him than my mom.




There's my brother, finally. He's kind of similar to my dad, in certain ways better, in others worse. He's not homophobic...kind of. He thinks employers should be able to discriminate when hiring based on sexuality. (Like, he thinks employers should be able to refuse to hire flamboyant gay men, even if they're otherwise completely qualified, simply because they don't want that kind of person representing their company.) He uses “gay” as an insult, and one time, when I got a new pair of overalls, he said I looked like a lesbian now, and asked me whether I would be too shy to reject the advances of all the “fat, ugly lesbians”.




Okay, that sounds really bad, lmao. In general, though, his slight homophobia translates more into making crass, offensive jokes than into anything else. He has a bisexual friend, and I do think if I actually came out to him, he'd just be like, “Ohhhhh, yeah, that makes sense. Okay, whatever.” He'd probably start making even more offensive jokes, and also asking odd questions, but, to be honest, the level of antipathy I feel about coming out to him is less than I feel about my father.




Anyway! That's basically the rundown. At this point, it's been long enough that I'm pretty carefree/lax about hiding it. Like, my Lillian Faderman books are kept in the bookshelf under my desk, spines facing outward, rather than in the crack between my bed and the wall. I regularly check out nonfiction books from the library with “lesbian” in the title. Of course, I hide things when I have to, and deny a lot, but the terror and anxiety from when I was younger are (mostly) gone. I kind of want things to be out in the open – just to get things over with. But a bigger part of me wants to keep the status quo. But I do want to WANT to come out, you know? Just, I feel that it would be easier to wait until I actually date a woman, and then there'd be a lot more legitimacy to what I say. Urghh.




Any advice, comments, questions?

 

Shoot, I added some more details but copied and pasted the earlier version for some reason. This is obnoxious. Okay, here's the updated version.

I want to come out to my immediate family, but I also really don’t.



I’ve basically known that I wasn’t heterosexual for six years - at least, that’s when I started questioning things - and ever since, discussing sexuality, relationships, boys, LGBT topics, with my family has been relatively uncomfortable for me. By now, I’m definitely past the age where I can say, “Ew, boys!” without assumptions being made. And I do say “Ew, boys”.



Basic facts: I’m bisexual, and I’ve never been in a relationship. The idea of having a boyfriend kind of instinctually repulses/irritates me, so I think that would be more unlikely in the future, but it could happen. I have a mother and father and an older brother. None of them are homophobic, and my mother always says that she’ll love me no matter what. When talking about a future partner for me, she uses gender neutral terms. In fact, she has straight up asked me whether I “batted for the other team” before. Of course, that was the most terrifying experience of my life, and I said “no” immediately. This has happened a couple of times, and with people other than my mother. I’m not sure exactly how others perceive me, but I think some things about me hint that I’m not heterosexual.



Also, I’m pretty sure my mom saw my copy of “Lesbian Ethics” by Saria Lucia Hoagland on my bookshelf (a lucky find from a little free library). In any case, with my mom, I’m pretty sure she’s just waiting for me to come out. At my ripe age, having never had a boyfriend and never told her about any crushes on males, I think I’m giving her a lot of indications I’m not straight.



There’s also the fact that I read a lot of feminist theory, have short hair, mainly dress like a tomboy (wearing my older brother's old clothes), etc. All the stereotypes. There really aren’t that many barriers stopping me from coming out to her. Except, the things stopping me are pretty strong.



First of all, there’s just terror. Cowardice. I know she won’t react badly, but I’m nervous she’ll make weird assumptions or be uncomfortable around me, be less willing to hug me or something. Also, if I come out (to anyone), then that’ll put a timeline on things. It’ll mean that I’ll eventually have to come out to my grandparents and other relatives and family friends. I hate the idea. I doubt my parents would out me, but they might slip, too. And right now, it’s kind of like my secret. I hate the hiding, the edging around conversation topics, the fibbing about what books I’m reading, but at the same time, it’s grown comforting, and I don’t want to leave the bubble.



Those are my reservations with my mom. Not too many, actually, and I know I have a very great situation in comparison to most people.



With my father - honestly, I’m not certain whether he’s noticed anything. He’s never made any oblique remarks like my mom, and he hasn’t seen any of the books I’m reading (like my Lillian Faderman books). When I was younger, he sometimes said some stereotypical dad stuff, like about having to beat away boys with sticks, but ever since I actually realized I’m bisexual, there’s been nothing. He’s intelligent, and he’s probably seeing the same hints as my mom, but he’s coming from a very different perspective, as a man, so it’s possible he’s just too ignorant to see that, generally speaking, girls who like boys don’t behave like this.



I don’t know, though. Anyway, my reservations are about the same, except there are a couple other factors. One of the things stopping me is...embarrassingly, spite. He's not homophobic, as I said, but he's definitely rooted in that privileged, well-educated, classically handsome, heterosexual white male from a middle class family, perspective. Like, sometimes he'll ignorantly say something that is offensive. Lol, he didn't know that nowadays, it's not okay to call lesbians “dykes”, unless you're a lesbian. Also, he's kind of spiritual, and it's very obvious that he thinks that only heterosexual couplings are normal, and homosexual ones are abnormalities. (The whole “yin and yang” shebang.) If I dated a woman, broke up with her, then dated a man, he would be very happy and relieved, and he would believe that I had finally found “healthy masculine energy and integrated my animus” or something. It's very irritating to think about. I think he believes a lesbian relationship isn't as real or healthy as a heterosexual one. So, in a way, keeping it from him is kind of like a “fuck you”. I love him, of course, and he's otherwise a great father, and it's not like he's actually homophobic – my parents have a couple lesbian friends (not super close, more the “we'll occasionally have tea together” kind of friends), though they're more my mom's friends than his – but he definitely has subtle prejudices. If I came out to him, I can see him accepting it, but also being very relieved I'm bisexual, not lesbian. I think if I came out as lesbian, he might expect it to be a phase.




Yes, it's definitely much more loaded with him than my mom.




There's my brother, finally. He's kind of similar to my dad, in certain ways better, in others worse. He's not homophobic...kind of. He thinks employers should be able to discriminate when hiring based on sexuality. (Like, he thinks employers should be able to refuse to hire flamboyant gay men, even if they're otherwise completely qualified, simply because they don't want that kind of person representing their company.) He uses “gay” as an insult, and one time, when I got a new pair of overalls, he said I looked like a lesbian now, and asked me whether I would be too shy to reject the advances of all the “fat, ugly lesbians”.




Okay, that sounds really bad, lmao. In general, though, his slight homophobia translates more into making crass, offensive jokes than into anything else. He has a bisexual friend, and I do think if I actually came out to him, he'd just be like, “Ohhhhh, yeah, that makes sense. Okay, whatever.” He'd probably start making even more offensive jokes, and also asking odd questions, but, to be honest, the level of antipathy I feel about coming out to him is less than I feel about my father.




Anyway! That's basically the rundown. At this point, it's been long enough that I'm pretty carefree/lax about hiding it. Like, my Lillian Faderman books are kept in the bookshelf under my desk, spines facing outward, rather than in the crack between my bed and the wall. I regularly check out nonfiction books from the library with “lesbian” in the title. Of course, I hide things when I have to, and deny a lot, but the terror and anxiety from when I was younger are (mostly) gone. I kind of want things to be out in the open – just to get things over with. But a bigger part of me wants to keep the status quo. But I do want to WANT to come out, you know? Just, I feel that it would be easier to wait until I actually date a woman, and then there'd be a lot more legitimacy to what I say. Urghh.




Any advice, comments, questions?