10 year old daughter

Yeah sounds pretty normal. People have different reactions after coming out, the expectation is "It gets better" so people expect it to immediately get better, but it can still take months and months to get used to being out.

For example, when you're in the closet you hide all sorts of things. If something can be perceived as being gay, then yeah you'll probably avoid it or pretend you don't like it (like if you like purple and you're a guy? Don't admit that, that's gay, is what you'll tell yourself). I assume your daughter saw girls she liked or thought was pretty, but she never admitted it and hid it. Probably even worried that you might have noticed.

Now that she's out she doesn't have to do that anymore, she doesn't have to hide, but that can be a big adjustment to make. She's only 10, so I don't know how long she's known, but it's still an adjustment at her age I'm sure. You don't suddenly go from hiding something from everyone one day, to telling everyone how hot you find people the next. Some people just withdraw for a while, it's a strange thing to get used to knowing that you don't have to hide anymore.

ALSO, you are her mum. I mean how often did you talk to your mum about which boys you liked when you were 10? Or heck, even in your teens? There's a high chance this is also the answer, she's probably just mortified her mum is talking to her about this embarrassing stuff.

And finally, don't pretend she never told you. That's a really bad idea. Just let her know you love and support her, and I guess from time to time ask her if there's any girls she likes or something.

 

You don't have to pretend anything, just be there, let her initiate any related discussions and respond as best you can. This will only demand patience of you. There's a lot to be said for having a bit of a "laissez-faire" attitude in such circumstances.

Soon enough (as a parent myself, I can legitimately say much too soon-enough!) dating will start, friends will be made, and most likely hearts will be broken (you'll be there for that)...but for now, enjoy her 10-year old self! It's a beautiful age; just live the moments that you have now and let her grow up...all too soon enough this will also pass.

 

i can't really add to the great advice you have already gotten, but i will say, You are an AWESOME MOM!!!"

cheers

 

I had gay feelings since 10 too.

 

This is completely normal. Part of it is likely related to her age, and it is normal behavior for anyone around that age. Another part of it is an adjustment period.

Keep in mind that she is still ten years old. Being so excited and wanting to throw her a party, especially when she is likely still processing everything, is way out ahead of where she is--and where she will be for some time.

It is important to remember that society as a whole, and frequently our families as well raise us to see ourselves as straight. Realizing you are gay requires you re-assess that aspect of your identity and how you relate to others. Who can I tell? Who can I trust? What will my future look like? What will people think if they find out? Will I be able to do all the things my friends get to do, and what if someone says something? These questions--and many, many more--are going to have to be answered by your daughter at some point.

What your daughter needs from you right now is space to sort out her own feelings on the matter. Your excitement, and especially if you are probing heavily with lots of questions, is likely confusing to her. She really just needs some space to sort things out, and just get comfortable with the idea that you know that she is a lesbian. That really, at the moment, is the first big hurtle for her: getting comfortable with the idea that you know, and losing the first vestiges of her straight identity. Over time, she is going to grow more and more comfortable and secure in who she is--especially with a highly supportive mother such as yourself. However, you do have to remember that it does take time.

For now, you should let the topic rest, and go back to your normal life and routines. This will be comforting to her--she likely does not want to feel like anything has changed. However, from time to time, you should broach the subject with her indirectly and casually. Look for moments in normal everyday life to bring it up. Something you both see on TV together, something that happens at schools, something you both hear on the radio, etc. The more casual the situation the better. ...and then just let the conversation flow normally. You will likely have more of your questions answered this way, than the more direct "let's sit down and have a conversation" route. That is likely going to automatically put her on the defensive.

You also have to keep in mind that she is ten years old. She is likely still figuring things out. You need to respect her identity (as a lesbian), but also give her the space and the opportunity to go out and explore. Let her figure things out on her own. It may be that she is completely and 100% attracted to girls, but she may--as she grows older and continues to mature--figure out that she also has an attraction to some boys. Sexuality is not black and white--it is a spectrum with many shades of grey. Where your daughter ultimately ends up on that spectrum, and the labels she chooses are not relevant. What you should want for your daughter is for her to be herself, whoever that might be, and for that she needs the opportunity and the permission to explore her own feelings.

That being said, it is very important that you respect her identity as a lesbian. She has chosen to identify as gay, and that is very important. Sometimes people make the mistake, especially with children this young, by assuming that they are "confused." However, there is a difference between being confused and developing. She realizes that she is attracted to girls. It is just a matter to what degree, at this point. Labels can sometimes be problematic because they are artificial boxes that we have socially constructed.

I tell you all of this, in part because it seems as if you are jumping out way ahead of your daughter, and in part because she may be sorting through all these feelings at the moment. There is nothing you can really do to help. What she is feeling and going through--that is for her to sort out on her own. As her mother, the best thing you can do is be there to encourage her to not be afraid of what she is feeling, listen to her gut and intuition, and to encourage her to be true to her authentic self--and not allow society or other people to shape the type of woman she wants to grow up to be. Other than that, look for those casual conversations you can have with her. They give you the opportunity to really listen to her without any pressure, and give her the opportunity to bring things up for discussion that might be difficult to start all on their own.

I hope this helps.

 

Let me just say (as it's been said before) that you are an absolutely amazing mother. When I came out to my mom, I had no idea what to expect. I don't think anyone can really be 100% sure of how their parents will react to this kind of thing.

When I told her, she honestly just looked at me and said "there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, and I'm so proud of you for telling me". I don't think I've ever been more relieved or proud of my mother, and I will definitely NEVER forget that day in all of my life.

Basically, the way you handled this situation with your daughter will stick with her forever. She will never, ever forget the way that you accepted her, hands down. This will make her feel comfortable about coming to you in the future, whenever that is. Just let her come to you in her own time.

And again, you're an absolutely awesome mom.

 

Can you adopt me? lol

It sounds like she's in denial. You have to realize being 10 (3 years my junior) she's still trying to piece things out. I'm 13 and it took me from age 9 to understand my sexuality.

If you feel like you need to talk to somebody that badly, do you go to a therapist or anything? You can talk to them and have secrecy.

With your daughter loosen up a bit. If she doesn't want to talk/do anything about this leave at that.

You are doing great though :3

 

Excellent response to your daughter.

It can be a young age to really know as we figure ourselves out over several years over teenagedom and later in life but some children just know. I was in Year 3 at primary school and I found myself being interested at looking at penis. As in, really interested. Didn't understand why. I just was very drawn to it.

So maybe your daughter is the same. (*hug*)

 

before doing so, ask her whats wrong and why she thinks she is "probably not even gay." (i do this alot, so dont get mad). maybe she is embarrassed because she finally came out. i was embarrassed for a while with my family, but overtime, it got better.

overall, just ask her whats wrong. especially ask her if someone is bullying her.

 

You're a great mom. You should be proud that your daughter felt comfortable enough with you to come out to you. I knew at that age, but I didn't tell my mom until I was 21, so I envy your daughter.

And your daughter retracting what she said and not wanting to talk about it is normal. It's kind of embarrassing to talk about this kind of stuff with your mom anyway, gay or straight, but when you're gay, you are also told that you should be hiding it. Just give her time and let her come to you, but don't pretend she never said it. She may interpret that as you ignoring it because you don't want her to be gay. (That's how I'd interpret it anyway.)

 

sounds about right. i would try and find a right balance between talking and leaving it be. just remember that many younger people (such as myself) will change their sexuality frequently. Some days, I feel like the most "gay" person in the world. Other days, I just feel sorta... 1/2 straight. It changes over time.

hope this was some help.
i&w

 

I'm 16, and I knew I was gay/bi by the time I was 8-9, so no, I don't think 10 is too young.

Following the theory that you live in /near Morton, the one in North Western England, I've also grown up around there. My mum is totally supportive of LGBTQ people, and I certainly knew I wasn't straight by the time I was 8/9, and realised what "lesbian" meant in correlation to me (I was/still in denial) when I was 11. I think she is average in age to know for my generation, just early to come out about it. I only just came out to my mum.

Your daughter is very brave, your reaction was wonderful. She is very lucky to have a mum like you! If you want to talk to someone who is of a closer age/same situation as your daughter, feel free to message me on my wall.

 

I know a lot of people have already told you this, but I freaking love you for being such an amazing mom. And your daughter too, for being so smart and brave.
I've sort of known I like girls (boys too, but less) pretty much all my life, but I'm not sure exactly at what age I realized it. But it was definitely some time around 8-11 years of age. But I wasn't sure until I was 18. And I definitely have not talked about it or told it to anyone for most of my life. So once again, beautifully smart daughter you got there.
But I'd be pretty embarrassed too, if my mom tried to talk to me about my sexuality at the age of ten. But I still would've loved to fully and completely know that it's completely fine and normal and there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe let your daughter not just know, but feel that much? That she's safe and normal?
But then again, I'm no expert since I have a ton of years left to become a parent. These are only noob opinions. ^^

 

Make sure that when she's older, you talk to her about how to have safe sex with another woman!

 

My god. I wish my parents were as cool as you. Seriously I would have killed to have had that kind of support when I came out. Kudos to you and handling that so well. It always makes me to happy to see this kind of love and support from families in these situations

 

I think that now that she told you, it has become more real for her, and that is scary. I knew I liked girls at a young age but I pretended that it was nothing and I avoided talking about it, my parents even asked me if I was a lesbian and I cried and yelled at them for "accusing" me of being a lesbian. But as the years went by, I became more confident in myself and I accepted who I was, and then I was ready to share with those I loved. Something that helped me personally was television. I found confidence in watching shows that portrayed lesbian couple and how normal it was portrayed. Watching those couples helped me understand it was ok, and it also made me realize that is what I want. Although I knew since I was in middle school (maybe sooner), it took me until I was 22 to accept it and I am still in the process. You are an excellent mother.

 

First, let me join the chorus of everyone telling you what an awesome mom you are! and you will be rewarded with a lifetime relationship with your daughter that others can only dream about! Congratulations. Second, I just want to share that I was ten when I realized that I was was attracted to boys, and it scared me pretty bad. I didn't feel like I could tell anyone about it. and every day that we live a lie, especially when it starts that young, the more entrenched it becomes. so yeah, I believe that a ten year old can figure it out. and now, with your story, I believe that there are ten year old who are brave enough and have mothers they trust enough, that they can get the words out through their tears to talk about it.

 

You're a great mom! If everyone had parents like you, the world would be a happy place indeed!(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(&&&)

 

Honestly, I wish my mother would have been more like you coming out. You handled it beautifully. I knew who I was long before there was a word for it, long before I knew it was normal. People realize it at different times and it all depends on many factors. Please continue to embrace your daughter and love her for who she is. (&&&)

 

Let me just thank you for being such a supportive parent!! And to answer your question, no. I knew when I was younger than your daughter that I was attracted to girls. I had my first girl crush when I was in the 4th grade. She will obviously know more as she ages but good for you for being there for her!!
You are doing a great job and keep up the good work!