What made you realize your gay /bi

I am very similar to you. I consider myself a biromantic lesbian. I like men enough to enjoy their company and get emotionally involved with them. Sex is something I just tolerate - I thought of it as something that I do to get what I really wanted, which is friendship, love, companionship. When I was in the closet, I met and fell in love with a man. I thought I would never have a girlfriend, didn't want one at that time. So I got married, mostly to ease my loneliness. Now, several years later, I am seeking a girlfriend, and most women will not date a married woman - even when I explain to them my situation. I am lonely (even though married), frustrated, angry, depressed, you name it. What is the answer for me? I don't know. To make matters worse, I know there are plenty of women who are in happy gay relationships. I know some women would accept me, but have no way of meeting them. I have developed a rejection complex now, which requires counselling. Sorry to be so negative, but there is nothing good about being gay. It is a wasteland with no potential for some of us to ever be happy.

 

To me "picking a side" is in many ways fairly easy. Although I'm a biromantic, romantically attracted to both genders, I only wants to date women. I couldn't imagine being in a long term relationship with someone I'm not physically and sexually attracted to. It wouldn't feel fulfilling enough for me. I want to be with an attractive woman because I could be both romantically and physically into her. In a relationship I want the full package (minus the children and pets) because I'm not an asexual. I could never have sex with a regular cis man or any male looking people. It wouldn't just be uncomfortable, but way more distressing than that. In a sexual context the way the anatomy looks, the smell, the voice and all that does matter a lot to me. When choosing a lifestyle, I would go for the lesbian one.

If you want to date women, why are you still married? Do you want to be polyamorous? Finding polyamorous people of all sexualities is extremely difficult because most people, including me, are monogamous. I do understand the struggle finding a partner. I have other unpopular features with me. I don't want children or pets making me a small minority in an already small minority. Dating is tough. It's hard finding someone that has a compatible personality and lifestyle with you, that you finds attractive, that they are into you too and that there is chemistry.

I think there are some advantages being a homosexual:

• More likely to not be restricted by expectations of traditional gender roles. When both are women or men, people split the house chores based on what they are good at and prefer rather than gender. In addition the economical responsibilities are more likely to be split in a fairer way, e.g. who earns the most, instead of gender.
  
  
• Doesn't need to worry about unplanned pregnancies, birth controls or abortions. Any children in a homosexual relationship needs to be planned and thought through increasing the likelihood for the children being wanted and loved.
  
  
• There are more of a friendship (best friend) and romantic partner dynamic combined in homosexual relationships because of cultural norms. Many people want both a best friend and a romantic partner, not only one of them.
  
  
• More likely to understand each other because of similar anatomy. E.g. women understanding the concept of periods and pregnancies. There are probably many confused husbands out there who will never understand what a monthly cramping would be like.
  
  
• In case of lesbians, women are often prettier. The last one may be biased. Women tends to have some advantages in the look department like more likely to keep a head full of hair till old age, less body hair, nicer body shapes, softer skin, smaller pores and softer facial features.
  

I think the most difficult things related to homosexuality is the homophobia and that the vast majority of people being straight. If there were less homophobia and more gay/bi people out there, life would be easier. I still think not needing to worry about accidental pregnancies is a huge advantage.

 

As a teen, I was sure that I only felt sexual attraction towards men, and emotional feelings for women.

Then, I realized that I could share a lot of care with other guys.

And, finally, when I felt affection for other guys, it was clear for me that I was gay. It was not only sexual attraction: I wanted men's love, too.

When I kissed a boy for the first time and wasn't thinking of him as a boy, but as a person I cared about, it was crystal clear for me. That was the way.

 

Thank you for your detailed reply. You and I seem to be experiencing exactly the same feelings and thoughts. Although I enjoy being with my husband, I would never date a man again. If I had known when I was younger what I do now I would probably not have wasted my time dating any man. I don't enjoy sex with men but I am physically attracted to them, does that make sense? Probably as much as anything else about this does. But you are right - this kind of marriage is not fulfilling because I know I am capable of other things. As I said before, I am a lesbian. In your case, don't worry. There are lots of women who don't want pets or children. I always feel too that when you love someone you adjust, compromise, a little to suit them. That happens in most relationships. If a person isn't perfect for you, you each can adjust a little. It happens - you will see. I guess I am lucky in that I can have sex with men no problem - but I don't get much out of it. I could even have sex with a masculine looking woman but I prefer feminine women.
Why am I still married? Big question a lot of other people must wonder too but are too polite to ask me. First, I love him. We have a house together, we have pets, we have shared memories, wonderful memories, he needs me, people respect us as an example of a marriage that worked, including our families. Finances are involved, too.. It's hard to just walk away from a marriage and I don't really want to, unless I met an exceptional woman. I would never say never. But yes I do want to date women, find a special one, start a relationship. I hope I can find one that accepts me. And that I won't hurt my husband too much. I have to consider his feelings too. I feel like I could love two people at once, but my husband would not be involved. He would accept me having a girlfriend, I am pretty sure, but I have already told him I don't want to get involved in a 3 - way and he respects that. I have known of a married woman who did find a girlfriend so I know some women must accept it. I have had women make passes at me, knowing I'm married, but at a time when I couldn't start anything. One bright spot is that I believe by the time someone shows they are interested in you, they often are someone you find attractive. So that makes it easier to find someone. The nice thing about my marriage is we are each other's best friend, and we also have a romantic relationship. I have not had any problems caused by homophobia, except my own internalized version of it! But I agree that being a minority, is tough. Especially because we are usually an invisible minority, right?
When I was dating men, yes, birth control was a problem. When you don't have sex often, you rely on methods that aren't that safe, rather than being on the pill all the time, which is not ideal. I had a pregnancy scare before I got married. I thought I was pregnant at a time when I did not want a baby - so yes that is an advantage of being gay. Of course some women would say that the ability to have a baby is one of the good parts of being with a man.

 

How about just a 3-way friendship? Assuming you met a woman and started a relationship with her, would you introduce her to your husband or not even go that far?

Definitely invisible - not that I mind. My sexuality means nothing to anybody that matters to me, they either don't know and don't need to, or they don't care. I honestly have had more acceptance and less suspicion from straight men and women than I have from LGBT groups I have tried to attend - this place is the only exception to that. I put it down to my face not fitting, and I don't have that problem here. I don't feel queer in any sense. I think being reasonably pretty, physically fit and being upbeat/positive also set me at odds with the groups. Whatever, I don't need acceptance from others to feel valid.

For getting on 5 years now I have used the rhythm method to track fertility, condoms or 'pull out' when needed and although I know it isn't fail safe, it's never failed. I'm at the point now where having children is in the forseeable future, now feels a little too early but it wouldn't be a problem if it happened.

 

This is the way I think it would happen: I am "looking" right now but I have not told my husband that. If I find a woman who wants to start some kind of relationship, I will not tell him at first. When he finds out, I would say she is a friend. If he suspects more than I will tell him the truth. So at that point, or maybe before, it would be nice if it became a 3- way friendship. I have lots of time when I am not with my husband so I could start a friendship/relationship without him even knowing but I would not lie to him about seeing her as a friend and would not deny it if he found out the truth.
I must say that I do not like being an invisible minority because it makes it hard for everyone to find each other. My experience has been different from yours. I go to a LGBT group regularly, and they accept me no problem, even though I thought they would be shocked and disgusted with me being married - but they weren't. They were very accepting. So coming out is no problem that way, but I am not out to my family or anyone who could talk to my family. I know my sister would be shocked and not happy about me being gay. My husband suspects I am gay but I have not actually confirmed it, Lately I am not talking about it at all, because if I start something I want it to be private at first. My relatives and in-laws would not be happy about it. Of course, I cannot change my orientation to suit them, but I do keep it hidden.
Congratulations on being so successful with your natural birth control methods. That is very interesting. I also used the rhythm method and everyone told me that I would get pregnant. But it worked for me too! The pregnancy scare that I talked about was just that - a scare. I figure caused by stress. If you don't want to be pregnant and you are worried about it, your cycle is delayed, and then you get more worried, and then it is delayed again. . . You get my drift. But I will never know for sure because it could have also been an early miscarriage. It turned out that my husband is incapable of producing children, much to the dismay of my mother who wanted grandchildren. I often think of that false pregnancy or whatever it was, and calculate the age the baby would be. Strange what us women go through , isn't it?

 

I still kinda doubt this, and try to make some experiments with my orientation

 

Anal!!!

 

How was it ?

 

i knew prior to age 14, i can remember all the names of boys i had crushes on going back to age 7. But age 14 was when i knew i could not deny it. i was raised and conditioned by religion to believe i was "sick and sinful" because i am attracted to guys, so i had started to lean into my idea of "God" and was looking to be "freed" from homosexuality. i had the normal hormones of a 14 year old and all my masturbatory fantasies were of guys. i fought it tooth and nail, but is suspect hormones are one of the most powerful influences on earth, beating nuclear by about double lol. At that point, i believed it was just a matter of choice and resistance.
What through me was a dream i had at 14. It was of a boy i barely knew, only by name and in passing, at high school. Okay, i'm not making this up, His name was "Randy Lay." How appropriate is that? In the dream i was walking down a hall at school and He approached me, looked deeply into my eyes and deeply kissed me. That was it. i woke up wet (yes, it was a wet dream) and completely thrown. Prior to that, i thought my attraction was something i could choose. But a dream? No controlling that, and i realized that this was not something i chose, but how i was. Unfortunately, that didn't free me from my religious conditioning, and i still believed myself damaged goods and "sick and sinful," but i also realized i didn't choose to be that way.

 

It's been a gradual process but the first indication I can remember was getting aroused at the men's underwear section of a mail order catalog. There were a lot of little things after that but when I started having fantasies about one of my friends, that was the big moment for me. From there the floodgates opened.

 

When a public figure here in my country came out as bisexual about half a year ago that was really determining point for me. I go through live as a straight guy, but I always knew I was attracted to guys. So when I saw that testimonial of that public figure something just clicked in my head and that’s when I knew that I was probably bisexual. A few months after that, I decided to finally come out to my wife and luckily, she was very supportive of it. And since then I’m sort of figuring out what this means in my life and how to best deal with it. Still not fully out, but the hardest part, towards my wife coming is done, and I kind of think it should be downhill from here. Plus, I’m not planning on shouting it from the rooftops. Maybe I’ll talk to the kids, and my inner circle.

 

I remember back in my school days when we had showers after games lessons and seeing lots of other naked lads I began to realise I began to fantasies about some of them. But back then you had to be a lot more careful.

 

It took a long time, but finally truth and reality beat me down until I could no longer ignore and deny it. There were so many signs and truths that I denied along the way. Now, I am able to free myself of nearly all that denial. I will always have those doubts creep in, but I know my true self and have tools to handle it.