Crisis time - thoughts on coming out

The last few weeks have safely been the most hectic and chaotic weeks of my life, and I suspect it's only getting started. It's been so draining I've been offline, dealing with the drama, trying to stay on top of my work, look after kids and not breakdown.

A quick recap of my circumstances. I've been married for 22 years and have several children. My wife is the only woman I've ever been with, and I had been with men before her. I have always been afraid of coming out and I did what I thought was expected of me, get married to the opposite sex and have children.

The marriage was not a happy one. She exerted a lot of coercive control and her demonstrations of affection quickly dwindled over the first few year, especially after the first child was born. Proof of her complete lack of affection appeared when there were no visits to the hospital when I spent two weeks fighting a life threatening infection. I have come to realise she only wanted me for the money and as a means to motherhood, or when I'm in cruder mood, my wallet and my penis.

In the summer last year, she was taken into hospital and diagnosed with a terminal illness. We were told that she would remain in care as it was unsuitable for her to return home. As you can imagine, the fall out, on the children in particular, has been huge. It's not been an easy time, but in this time I have finally accepted my homosexuality and realised just how abusive the marriage was.

I have yet to come out to anyone saving one close friend. While I'm no longer in denial of my sexuality and not terrified of being outted, I've felt that coming out at this time would do more harm to the children as they'd likely view it as a betrayal of her.

OK, present day and what happens next isn't the expected "I've been outted". It's far more dramatic and serious. Out of the blue, my wife showed up on my doorstep with her things. Most of the local medical and other professionals involved with my family are as surprised as I am, and many, me especially, but notably not my mother-in-law (MIL), think there's been a major failing in her care.

I have pretty open about this with the professionals that have visited as I am genuinely concerned she is going to come to harm, physically or psychiatrically. I think this is likely what led to her moving into her mother's last weekend and announcing midweek, through her mother, that she had left me and, once they move to a larger place, will be taking the children.

When I was told this, there were two statements that the MIL claimed a social worker made, and one a doctor is supposed to have said, that, by way of an appeal to authority, claim she is fit to look after them and that it wasn't appropriate for a man to raise so many children. I also have against me the long standing legal view that children are better off with, and by default, go to the mother. I strongly believe that her and her mother raising the children would be a disaster.

I have spoken with the professionals that are supposed to have made these statements and been assured that these are statements they would not, and could not, make. As I suspected, I'm being manipulated once again for their means. I fear my wife is also being manipulated, but that's less a concern to me than the welfare of the children.

Every service, close friend, help line and even the children's schools, have all told me to get the lawyers in for my sake and the children's. I'm waiting to be called by a lawyer early next week.

Now the crux of my crisis. There is a major fact I've omitted in this tale of woe so far. I confessed to my then girlfriend 26 years ago that I had been with men before her. She was so horrified that she demanded I ask her to marry her to prove I loved her or she'd tell everyone that I was gay. That fact is the biggest piece that has kept me with her for so long. I fully expect she told her mother years ago, and I anticipate that it'll be brought out as a reason I'm an unsuitable parent once the custody battle begins in earnest.

One anonymous service said "it'll only add homophobia to the list of reasons they're not suitable." Comforting, and indeed the secret, and it's long use against me, are all great evidence of her abuse. But if this is revealed, it will be a surprise to my family.

I'm of two minds right now. One is that I should continue to keep the secret in the hope it stays as such and leave it until my own time and terms to come out
I think I'd tell the lawyer in confidence just in case it emerged, and own it if it does. The other is that I should come out to my parents, brother, and possibly the older children, both so that they can digest it in case it does emerge in proceeding, and also potentially allow it be used in the case against the women.

I know of no better place than here to ask for thoughts and advice on how I proceed. In my gut I think I know what I need to do, and I suspect it's also how the responses will go. I think I'm simply looking for encouragement and validation of that gut feeling.

 

That's definitely the big unknown. I am surprised they haven't already, and maybe they realise how damning it would be for them if they were to reveal it, however dressed in lies it might be when told.

Equally, I suspect that once the gloves are off and the lawyers are involved, all bets will be off. She's left me, her abuse to me and the children without the marriage blackmail is probably damning enough.

So do I preempt things and come out now under non-ideal circumstances or do I wait and hope I can come out when things are calmer? Part of me thinks I'm just trying to stall coming out but I also don't want the separation to be about sexuality if I can avoid it.

 

Yes, it is the same in the UK with solicitors. I'm expecting a call from them tomorrow and I will tell them in confidence and go from there.

I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I do draw strength from your experience. I already know my 15 year old, who has been avoiding his mother since her return, told his head of year that he felt he should come home to take the brunt of her abuse so I could have a break.

My gut feeling is indeed that I should.come out. It's scary, I've avoided this for 30 years. I was planning to come out on a family holiday when I was 12 but chickened out. Avoiding it now has the risk of being tipped out of the closet not on my terms, I think I just want to kick the can down the road as I have always done.

As it's mother's day in the UK, I'm not going to do it today (see how good I am at avoiding this?!?). I'm thinking of speaking to my brother tomorrow and emailing my parents in the evening, especially if talking to my brother get emotional as I'll be worse with them.

I have spent all day listening to music, keeping half an eye on the youngsters, and thinking about what to say. It's silly in some ways, I can speak in front of hundreds of people at a conference, but talking to 3 people is terrifying me.

It's also silly because I know they'll be supportive, they didn't bad an eye lid when one cousin came out as gay and another as trans. My parents were against the marriage and I wonder if they, aside from realising she was not a good person, suspected that she was the wrong gender too. I'll find out soon enough.

 

I really like that suggestion and will make it happen tomorrow. For clarity, it's only my brother and parents that I intend to come out to at the moment. I anticipate they'll be in court and the children won't, and I'd rather they not be completely surprised should this emerge.

I'm in complete agreement with you that now is not the time for the children, this all needs dealing with and the dust settling before yet more change is thrust upon them.

 

Thank you David, I will be. After all is said and done, they are the most important in this situation and they need to be safe, feel safe, and finally begin to heal.

 

I have just emailed my parents and brother. I was shaking like a leaf typing it and almost cried at points. I'm glad it's done and nervously await for the phone call. I anticipate it will go something like "tearingtherose, know that we love you."

 

I actually got a very lovely email back essentially nothing changes and they only wish that I felt I could tell the sooner. They invited me to call when I was ready and I've just spend 90 minutes talking with them, and nothing has changed. I saw myself in a mirror after and smiled, I've done it. The last hold that woman had on me is broken and now we focus on fighting for the kids.

 

Hey, sorry for the long absence. Life has been very busy and hectic and I find using the phone to type too uncomfortable. I'm out now to most of my friends and family except for the children. As it currently stands, the courts have granted me full custody of the children but the next hearing might grant my estranged wife supervised access. I have been having some counselling discussing the emotional impact of having knowingly hidden my sexuality and passing as straight for as long as I did, as well as discussing the abuse and blackmail from the ex. My boyfriend continues to be as supportive as ever, he's been a huge shoulder to lean on having gone through some of this (closeted, passing but not the abuse) himself before. While I haven't told people about him as yet (waiting for the court process to finish), knowing that people know I'm gay gives me a sort of feeling of permission to be with him - as silly as that sounds. The kids are doing well, and the school reports that they are noticeably happier since they've all been back with me, proof to me that I've done the right thing.

 

Thanks, as sad as it is to hear that it is so common, there is also comfort in knowing that I'm not alone. One of the things that counselling has made apparent just how lonely I have been throughout much of my adult life. I may have had a wife and children, but I was desperately lonely.

That makes sense, and it's not something I have thought of. Over the months since finally accepting I'm gay, I've been surprised by how much has come back to me, from childhood crushes through to conversations about coming out as a teenager. Since coming out, it's a different rush of feelings but the biggest is a real acceptance of who I am, that I no longer have to hide it. Well, almost - still the kids to tell at some point.