I think I’m gay?

It's just that your story is very similar to mine in a lot of ways. I used to have to fantasize about men in order to have sex with my wife. The fantasies were a part of my life for a long time and I had been with a guy once before I was married so I just figured I was bi. When I wasn't fantasizing I also felt straight. Over time it became more clear to me that I was gay and I lost all interest in sex with my wife. I only wanted to be with a man. I don't feel like anyone can define your sexuality but you, but based on my own experience, you seem to lean strongly towards gay.

 

Sorry, it didn’t really come across in your first post that you don’t want to be gay. You wrote in your first post about all the things you desire, how would you feel about never acting on those desires? Is it something you can manage or are those feeling going to boil over at some point? Maybe your fantasies are just a fantasies and you might not enjoy it in real life with a guy. I’ve fantasised about some weird stuff that I wouldn’t do in real life.

I think the couples therapy is a good idea, hopefully something will come from that.

 

I understand your struggle. I really do. I loved my wife dearly and wanted to stay with her. You have probably already tried fantasizing about women to make yourself more straight. Only you can answer that question. When I look at women, I think that they are beautiful, sexy, pretty, all those things. But when I try to think about sex with a woman, the thought makes me very uncomfortable and I can't do it. I can't get hard with a woman. With men, it's the opposite. Our fantasies tell us a lot about our sexuality.

 

I lean towards gay but consider my self Bi trans

 

It sounds like you’re more likely gay and just don’t feel comfortable admitting it yet.

I’ve always known since like 11 I had some kind of attraction to other boys but didn’t really know it, it wasn’t until my late teens/ early 20s that I even allowed myself to enjoy those attractions.

strangely enough most of the girls I did like growing up are either gay or bi themselves.

 

While only you can determine your true sexuality it certainly seems you are gay. You may just be at the stage of coming to terms with it. For me it took awhile to get comfortable with the idea I was gay. I was giving up hetero privilege and joining a sexual minority so it takes some adjustments. Finally freeing myself from heterosexuality was a relief and opened up the door to being who I truly am. It was well worth it.

 

As a teen I knew I wasn't straight but was only with other boys. When I moved I decided I had to be straight, it's what the world expects. I fell for a girl, not butch but certainly not that feminine, got married, had kids, etc. All throughout I missed being with guys and I usually had to pretend she was a guy, more and more so as time went on.

In the end our marriage (22 years) was not a happy one and it took its toll on us and the children. We've both been quite ill this year, and while I have mostly recovered, she's terminally I'll and deteriating in a care home.

We've been effectively separated for six months and initially I wasn't going to see anyone until she passed. Realising that life is short and can change in a blink, I decided a would have a discreet relationship.

Creating both a straight and a gay profile, it finally dawned on me that I had been running from my sexuality all my life. After receiving topless photos from a nice and pretty girl, I knew I had no real desire for her and that to do so would just be repeating the same mistake from the past.

I've been seeing a man for the last two months. I have had much more pleasurable sex than I did throughout the marriage and not once have I missed being with a woman. I've also had floods of memories resurface of crushes and thoughts I had long surpressed, such as almost coming out to my dad when I was 12 but bottling out.

As others have said, only you can know what is right for you. It took me years of depression and a sudden, aggressive life threatening infection to start thinking about me. I'm glad you've already talked with your wife, that's not something I can ever do now as she's almost non-verbal. I feel horrible I'm living a lie to her and the children while also knowing to wait would just destroy me further.

My boyfriend was married with children and he came out to his wife years ago. They remain on very good terms even though they decided separating was the right thing to do. One of his sons has come out in his teens, in part because of the courage of his dad.

While I don't have answers for you, I hope sharing my own experience helps you work through yours.

 

Thank you! I empathise with your dilemma. While I got away without having to have the wife conversation, I still have the kids to come out to at some point. I don't know when it'll be appropriate, but I'm at a point where I know it must be done. My eldest son commented last night that I'm much happier these days, and a big part of me wants to share the delight of my boyfriend.

But, my wife is still alive, and while largely non-verbal I am technically having an affair even if our relationship is long dead. I also worry how my eldest son will take it as he often makes fairly homophobic comments and very transphobic comments. He has a girlfriend but part of me hopes that his queerphobias are masking an underlying discomfort with his own queerness.

Like you, I couldn't shake men from my mind despite all my attempts to do so. For a long time I really didn't want to be gay. Now that I have stopped running from myself I've found that my thoughts are no longer dominated by thoughts of sexuality.

Thankfully there are a lot of people in this community who have already been through what we're going through and I'm sure they will help us both.

 

You're quite correct, and it might well become known to my wife causing undue distress at an already difficult time. Thankfully my boyfriend is fully aware of the situation, he feels I don't need to tell anyone but ought to tell the children at some point.

Sexuality complicates matters, but regardless any relationship as a captive caregiver is going to be frowned upon by many. I didn't intend to fall in love, I just wanted to meet other gay men as my existing friends are all straight. Ho hum, such is life.

Thank you @quebec, and the rest of this community, for being so supportive and understanding. In a short few days I have already learned much from others and don't feel so lonely, others have been through this and are here for me.