I think I might be a lesbian?

So basically I identify as bisexual. I mainly identify this way though because I am and have been attracted to fictional men and celebrities. Aesthetically I can appreciate when a man is good looking and so I have had “crushes” on actors and dudes with nice bodies and fantasized about being with them. These fantasies are not unenjoyable, but when it comes to “real life guys” it gets way more complicated. I’ve had two guys potentially show interest in me in the past. One dude I knew because he struck up a conversation with me after a class I had and he would wait for me after class to talk to me again. I was friendly at first and the attention was flattering, but I started to get very uncomfortable the longer it went on. I didn’t find him attractive though and in the end I ended up basically hiding from him because I wanted to avoid him because I was not okay with the blatant romantic attention he was giving me even though he was not rude or dangerous or otherwise a bad guy. The second one was later on. He was attractive in a conventional way and I found him good looking and we hung out several times. He took me to the movies and lunch and paid for our meals etc. He treated them like dates but neither of us ever called them that. Again, I liked the attention at first but the more it went on and the more people like my dad would make comments about how he was kinda like my bf I started to become very uncomfortable. I could picture kissing him and finding it pleasant because he was attractive, but every time we were alone together I started to feel really ill at ease even though again, he was respectful and never once made any kind of move. I actually left early once and made up an excuse to leave because I was so uncomfortable I didn’t want to be with him any longer and I actually ended up ghosting him because I just couldn’t do it anymore. It was after all this happened in particular that I really seriously started to question if maybe I was gay and this was my evidence that I was. I still think about that experience and cringe and feel nothing but relief I don’t have to see him again. I just feel like this can’t be normal to feel this way unless I’m gay.

 

I will also add that I have been in nearly identical experiences with a female friend of mine and I felt completely different. I am nervous around her but the idea of being with her and going places with her is pleasurable. I love the idea of people wondering if we are on a date even if we aren’t and not just for the attention like I did with that guy but because I truly wish it was true. The nerves I feel around her are also very different. Instead of feeling dread and anxiety like I want to run away, I feel excited and happy. I feel like this is the kind of butterflies/good feelings I should feel when with someone I like.

 

Yeah. I think it’s possible maybe why I didn’t realize this for so long was because I never dated. I never had a real life bf ever when most girls my age had at a certain point, so it was easy to “imagine” that I wanted a bf and keep up that illusion because it wasn’t real; but when it had the potential to “be real” and it was there for the taking, suddenly I didn’t want it anymore. I remember thinking too when I was out on those outings with the other guy that I wished I was with one of my female friends instead and how much more fun I’d be having. I actually really in retrospect was pretty miserable on these “dates.” I remember even how right before one of them I was getting ready and instead of feeling happy and excited like most girls normally would, I just felt kinda dead inside and wished I could cancel at the last minute. Even my mom I think could tell I wasn’t happy it was so obvious cause I’m a terrible liar.

 

I have had a gf but it was only a long distance/virtual type relationship. I’ve never gotten to experience dating a woman irl.

 

I have felt them around attractive men I didn’t know well that were flirtatious towards me and around women I’ve liked. But the best case of butterflies I remember ever having was when I was with my ex gf. The butterflies I had whenever I talked with her lasted longer than they had with anyone before and they were really pleasant.

 

Yeah that’s very true. Having a permanent label doesn’t seem to be something that works for a lot of people because with people who have a more fluid sexuality it can feel limiting.

 

Yeah that’s why it’s been confusing for me. I think I might have been experiencing both kinds of butterflies (anxious and not anxious) and it’s sometimes hard to tell which is which.

 

When I think about being in a relationship though I want to be with a woman. I really want to marry a woman and spend my life with one.

 

I feel nauseous actually more when I think about being with women because of my internalized homophobia so I am not sure in my cases it's a good indicator. I feel nauseous a lot from anxiety in all kinds of situations.

 

Yeah I feel like in order to fully feel like I can *know* I want to have an experience of some kind in real life. It's a big part of why I really want to kiss a woman so much. I feel like I need that "light bulb" moment almost.