Hello all, somewhat new member here. First time posting in this forum. Although 30 may pale in comparison to other posters, it feels later in life to me as I am now truly questioning my orientation for the first time in my life. For my whole story: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/in-so-much-turmoil.490906/ Short version: Although my attractions, romances, and sexual encounters have only been with women up until about a month ago, I have been a regular watcher of transgender/transexual pornography since my teen years. When I take an assessment of my life, I truly do not remember having crushes on or attraction to men in the real world/ daily life. However, despite my relationships with women and watching straight pornography fairly regularly, I have always had this transgender porn/ attraction happening in the background. Anywho, for the last seven years, I have been in an on-and-off relationship with a woman who I believed to be the love of my life. This relationship was complicated and in the last few years became long-distance. Although this last year we were not properly "together" I was finally in a position to change the long-distance problem and we both wanted to make it work once and for all. It got to the point where I knew she wanted a proper commitment and I knew that if I didn't ask her to marry me I would regret it for the rest of my life. Things did not go as planned and when I go to where she lives I began to second guess myself. A few days in I had only what I could call a spiritual awakening of sorts and my inner voice said, "This isn't right, you can do this. If you can't do this, you have to let her go." This was a very tough and very emotional situation, both for me and her, as she had an idea that I was out there to propose. Ultimately, it felt like although I still loved her, I was no longer in love with her. Once again you can visit my original post for all the details. On my flight home, my inner voice kept saying things like, "Maybe you're gay." I kind of pushed that aside but it wouldn't go away. Shortly after the trip, I had the urge to act out on my transgender attraction and did so twice with two different escorts. Then I started to spiral. Massive confusion. Anxiety. Depression. The works. I am still early in my journey. Although I am nowhere near putting labels on myself, a suggestion from my new therapist, I am definitely beginning to see that I am not the "straight" man I believed myself to be, perhaps not even the "trans amorous man" I thought I was. I am very much struggling with accepting this, let alone the idea of my possibly being gay. There is a lot for me to process and work through. I am feeling a massive amount of guilt right now regarding my ex. I know I am still grieving the loss of her, that relationship, and potentially straight life as a whole, but I never discussed any of my porn interests with her. I know that since I am confused right now, especially if I am gay, I did both of us a favor by not proposing. On top of some not-so-great thoughts of, "You had this amazing, beautiful woman who wanted to marry you and that's not what you're into, what wrong with you!?!?" I have been feeling that if I am gay then it's almost as if I used her and wasted seven years of her life. Although I can honestly say I was not consciously conflicted by my sexuality while we were together because I assumed I was straight, It feels like everything was a lie since I am questioning myself right now. If it does turn out that I am gay, how could she ever believe I wasn't lying to her and everyone else the entire time? I know I wasn't married or as involved as some of you later in lifers who fathered children but I am really curious if anyone felt this guilt upon questioning their sexuality. If so, how did you deal with or overcome it? I know time heals all wounds but this guilt is really weighing heavily on me. Thanks in advance.
Yes, I felt guilt. Not as much now. Rationally, how can you be guilty over something beyond your control. Could you deny it and carry on? The answer for me was yes, and I did so for many, many years. The problem is that the feelings don't go away. With me they sat at the back of my mind festering. Festering because of self loathing brought on by an internal homophobia. It did not get easier or better with time. If anything it increased, to the point of either accepting it or not living with it (literally). That was me. Accepting the elephant in the room was the first step. I think the relief was much greater than the guilt for me. Now I am more guilty to myself because I took so long to accept it. I don't feel guilt about my wife as much as I feel sorrow that it took so long to share with her. We are working past the "betrayal" she felt, for me "lying" to her. This is lessening as she comes to understand I was betraying myself and not her. That the lie was internal to me. There is some rough spots as it was a year of me accepting myself before I came out to her and that I came out to others first. My son and my priest. But that is also getting easier as she realizes the fear associated with coming out for me and that it is more personal than even marriage. I think you are doing the right thing realizing before you committed. With me, I still would have committed, if she would have accepted it back 27 years ago. I am bisexual and have no desire to leave her. Now she has no choice but to accept or lose me. We have the love needed to keep together and figure out a new and better way of marriage for us. The key is, it is still us.
I'm a late-in-lifer who fathered a child and I still feel guilt about having married her mother despite my attractions to men. In fact, I have never "come out" to my daughter partly because of the guilt and worry about how it will affect our relationship. But I also know that her mom basically knew I was not completely straight (although we never talked about it ... not something that was a topic of discussion in the 80's), so there was basically this unspoken issue in our relationship. So I can understand your feeling guilty about leading a woman on for seven years, but at the same time it's awesome that you didn't propose, which I think basically outweighs the "leading her on" part. After all, she had the freedom to leave you anytime she wanted, and many women would not have waited around for seven years ... so I think you both participated in creating your situation (which probably applies to my situation too).
Thanks for all the kind words and perspective @Jakebusman @justaguyinsf and @Isbjorn I'm not sure if I'm doing much better, but I'm doing. I kind of go through different waves of feelings and emotions. I know I am still early on this journey but it seems that as soon as I get a little comfortable with the situation or come to some kind of understanding something else happens and throws a wrench in the whole thing. For more on that, I just posted this is the sexual orientation thread: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...n-so-much-turmoil-update.491216/#post-6763626 Regarding the guilt, I am not feeling that so intensely, at least not at the moment. Again, these things come in waves. Regardless of who I am and what my orientation might be, I know I have a lot of emotions and feelings for my Ex. Moving on from her and that relationship, whatever the cause, is going to be difficult and has been thus far. It's a vicious cycle. There are times when I feel like I have made the biggest mistake of my life, but then I remind myself that my inability to propose to her came before I truly started to question my sexuality. Ultimately, I know I could not return to this relationship if that was even a possibility until I figure myself out, but then I just feel like everything I thought and felt to be true is being ripped away from me. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. There was a back-and-forth, on-and-off nature to our relationship so to some level we are both responsible for the duration of the relationship, and possibly how it turned out as well. In all honesty, I was not questioning myself or my sexuality while we are together. I am not saying that I need not recognize this attraction to trans pornography as I was obviously watching it, but it was not something I really consciously confronted or acted out on in real life until after the end of the relationship.
