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In so much turmoil...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by detroitlouisred, Aug 4, 2022.

  1. detroitlouisred

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    Sorry in advance but this might be a long one. 30-year-old male here who has always considered himself straight.

    Here's some back story.

    Starting way back in elementary school I had crushes on girls, "girlfriends," and experimented with girls. I had a girlfriend freshman year of high school, a few flirtations, and an on-again-off-again relationship with a girl my senior year. I lost my virginity to her.

    During my high school years, I also began experimenting with drugs and fell into a pill addiction by the time I was 16. This occurred on and off for a while and took up a lot of my attention. My struggles with addiction would continue until 25 and would include drugs, alcohol, stays in rehab, etc. Thankfully, I have been clean and sober now for 5 years. However, I have not felt the sense of turmoil that I am experiencing now since I was using.

    At some point during high school, I stumbled onto transgender porn. This was both very startling and intriguing to me. It is also something I watch to this day. Through the years I have also very much enjoyed straight porn. I kind of go back and forth depending upon the mood. Even after this discovery, I didn't really question my sexuality because I had always liked girls and still liked girls. All my crushes, kisses, flirtations, relationships, and sexual activity had been with girls

    I mentioned before that I lost my virginity at 18 and struggled with addiction for many years. During those years, I drank heavily, did a lot of drugs, watched a lot of porn, and had absolutely no sex for 5 years. I felt unworthy and unlovable. I want so badly to meet a girl but was so caught up in the spiral of addiction I was afraid and also co-opted by the addiction. Eventually, I met a girl I liked and became totally infatuated. We hooked up a few times and it was super hot, for me at least, but it wasn't a love connection.

    During this time, I was taking a course that had us read Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin. Basically the story of an American living in Paris who has proposed to a woman and while she's abroad contemplating her answer, the main character falls in love with a man, Giovanni. Confusion ensues and it doesn't have the happiest of endings. I have always been an avid reader and I devoured the book. James Baldwin is an amazing writer. I don't remember being "turned on" while reading it but I was engrossed. I had never read anything like it and loved it.

    Then the girl of my dreams shows up. It was love at first sight. We connected immediately and eventually feel in love with each other. The sex was hot. However, I was still using and that affected my performance at times. She and I had a crazy on again off again relationship for about seven years. It's officially over as of this summer, which I'll get to in a moment. Like I said, we feel in love and I was still using. This would cause a lot of issues. On top of that it became long distance, which also created problems.

    The reason I write all of this is that we would break up and go our separate ways so I would eventually start dating again. I should mention that at this point I had gotten sober and the transgender porn continued as well. I would always date women, some I was more into then others and for the most part had some really great sex. However, the performance issues that I had discovered while using remained in some cases. I'd say I have a 60/40 completion record. By this I mean 60% percent of the time I good to go and finish like a champ, 40% of the time it takes FOREVER or I cant finish at all.

    So for the last couple of years I have had some great sexual experiences with women and so not so great sexual experiences. I have continued watching the transgender porn. I have also want to be with women, checked out women and slept with women. There has been some questioning of sexuality due to the performance issues and the porn interests but I always fell back on my sexual and dating history.

    I had never thought about men or being with them. I had an interest in experimenting with someone who is transgendered but for all the wrong reasons and that never seemed obtainable. However, since reading Giovanni's Room I had read some more gay novels. Some of them are more sexual than others. I can't lie and say that I wasn't aroused during some of the sex scenes. Maybe not full-on hard on but blood was flowing. But I still liked girls. The books were just literature. The porn was just fantasy.

    By this point I thought I was just a slightly off the mark straight guy. Sure, I enjoyed transgender porn but transgender women are women. Plus, it's not gay porn. Yeah I read gay novels more than the average straight man but I am a bibliophile. I love to read. I also collect and sell books. Yeah I've had some performance issues with women but a lot of guys do. Besides, I have only been with women. I don't find men attractive. That is until this summer...

    My on and off again ex reconnected. She lives in Cali now. It all got to the point where I was going to propose, bought a ring and everything, but I couldn't do it. I was afraid. I realized that I still loved her but wasn't in love with her. I wanted it to be my path but it didn't feel right and I didn't want to hurt her any more than I already had with my addiction and the long distance issues. It ended pretty f***** up despite my not wanting to hurt her and that breaks my heart.

    Then WHAM! On the flight back home from the trip where I intended on proposing my mind keeps spiraling. Maybe you're gay. You enjoy transgender porn. You read gay novels and they have gotten you aroused. You're gay! I was panicked. No, this can't be because you've only had sex with girls. You've had your questions before... Yeah but!!!

    The last few weeks have been spent proving to myself that I am straight while simultaneously acting out sexually in ways I never thought I would, even if I have fantasized about it out masturbated to it. I bought a dildo. Tried it, meh. It wasn't horrible but it was strange. That led to me downloading hook up apps to find women to prove to myself I am not gay. However, I also began scrolling for transgender escorts, which is something I have never done before. Eventually, I pulled the trigger. I was super anxious the whole time. Thought about leaving once I got there. I really didn't find the escort attractive and had to make myself aroused but I went threw with it and finished. *We were safe* It was sex, not the best I've had or the worst. Afterwards, I felt shame and regret. Not disgusted but the whole situation just wasn't right. After that I matched up with a girl on a hook up app. The sexting was hot. We decided to meet. She was not exactly the same as her photos but I was horny and in a way trying to redeem myself from the previous experience. She was not my normal type but the sex was pretty good and I finished surprisingly quick. *We were safe* The next day I felt the same shame and regret. The questions started flooding back. Maybe you're gay? Yeah you finished but you weren't really attracted to her. then lots of straight porn to reassure but now I am noticing a difference. You're not as turned on or aroused. Then I was back to the transgender escorts. However, this time I really wanted to do something in particular. Provide a service rather than be serviced if you catch my drift. Once again I was super anxious the whole time and thought about leaving once I got there. However, I again went through with it. This way by far the most overtly homosexual thing I've done in my life. Again, It wasn't horrible, it was kind of got but it was strange. This escort was very feminine, apart from the obvious. *We were safe*

    Anyways, I am spiraling out of control. I have an appointment to get tested even though I've been safe in all of these encounters. I am also searching for a therapist. This is the most out of control my life has been since I've gotten sober. I know people experiment. I've just been making really messed up choices as of late due to this confusion. Its persistent. I think about it all day. Then I search the forums. Compare my arousal with both straight and transgender porn. I'm acting out in ways and doing things I never thought I would do. I was raised with a gay uncle whose been partnered, now married, since I was really young. Gay people don't scare me. I'm not afraid of them. I believe everyone should be able to love whoever they love, sleep with whoever they sleep with, and be who they are. But if I'm being honest that's not who I want to be or how I see myself. I'm sure that sounds like internalized homophobia. Maybe it is. I know I have to put I few things in check to minimize the insanity for my health and safety. I'm just so confused.

    In a period of a month, I went from thinking I was proposing to the love of my life to seriously not knowing who I am or what I am really attracted to. I still don't find men attractive nor do I look at gay porn but I think i'd be lying if I didn't have some type of interest in ****.

    I know only I have the answers but can anyone relate? Am I gay and experiencing the lifting of repression and/or denial? I know with some of the things I've done recently and in the past its still not quite correct to say I'm 100% straight. Any advice?
     
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  2. Obliteratrix47

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    Okay, you said you could be gay, but then you gave a lot of examples that you're attracted to women, had sexual encounters with women, etc, etc, no mentioning about your attractions to men. Doesn't it sound that you're straight? Of course, people get off to any kind of porn they can watch. Transgender porn is porn, so of course you're aroused to it.

    What I do think is that you might have OCD. If it's true, then OCD is still OCD since you said you're afraid of turning gay. I could be wrong, but you can tell us more about your issue, then we can properly sort this out.
     
  3. detroitlouisred

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    I have considered the OCD factor and have started to search for a therapist. In some ways that would make a lot of sense since whenever I have had these moments of questioning, especially now, I am consumed by them. I can barely eat, lose interest in things I once enjoyed, dwell on the issue, and constantly look for reassurance. I am very much in that place right now.

    As stated above, this current state was brought on by the end of the relationship with the only woman I have ever loved. I have slept with and dated others but she was the one I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I don't know if that acted as some sort of trigger or the shattering of the illusion.

    When I look back over my life I do see a trend in feeling difficulty in connecting with people, like I can't be totally genuine. However, there were many years when I would try and hide my addiction from people as well as being extremely fearful of people discovering my taste in porn so I don't know if that has anything to do with it. I know I have anxieties over other areas in life, i.e. work performance, and don't doubt that I have some self-esteem issues. I really struggle with confrontation, want things to be perfect or at least like they're going well. I also struggle with receiving praise and criticism.

    I can comfortably say that I have been able to see a man and can acknowledge that they're an attractive person. This is never, at least to my recollection, associated with longing, romance, arousal, etc. I've never been infatuated or had a crush on a man as I have with women. However, as I said in the post, I have been aroused when reading gay novels, transgender, as well as CD porn, and I, have begun acting out my porn fantasies IRL with transgender escorts. Most recently with a fixation on a certain body part. There is arousal when thinking about performing a certain act on a certain body part, but these fantasies are usually connected to certain porn scenes or focused on transgender women and/or CDs. Lately, it seems as if none of my fantasies, regardless of them being related to cis gender or transgender women, get me fully aroused. It is like I have to do it myself. These things coupled with some repeated performance issues with women in the past have really got me spiraling.

    I just feel sick to my stomach over all of this. Like I said, I can barely think of anything else. The fact that I'm acting out on these things in real life now is really doing a number on me. Although I have been "safe," I have been engaging in some risky and out-of-character behavior, which scares the crap out of me. It is like I need the answer right now.
     
  4. BiGemini87

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    Taking everything you've said into consideration, I don't think you're gay. There's a chance you're bisexual with a strong preference for women, but I can't be sure about that, either. Regarding porn, I think it (and your previous addiction problems) have largely influenced your perceptions not only of yourself, but what gets you off and what you want in the long term. If porn were a reliable indicator (it isn't), I'd say there's a chance of bisexuality given your attention towards trans porn--particularly transwomen. Because even if we agree transwomen are women, the biological reality is a little different; sexual orientation relies on our attraction to primary and secondary sex characteristics, and while we can find people outside of our respective sexual orientations attractive, it seldom goes beyond surface level. That could be what you're experiencing regarding porn--the presentation more than the person. It can happen to anyone of any orientation, but again--porn isn't a good indicator of one's sexual orientation.

    So that leads us to your experiences: largely, your attraction has been to women, as has your sexual experience. The experience you've had with transwomen, on the other hand, while the second one wasn't bad, it sounds to me like it still wasn't for you. This isn't to say you have no homosexual attractions, but that perhaps they exist to a lesser extent than your heterosexual ones, and that internalized homophobia *might* be a contributing factor. Like you, I never had a problem with gay people--but when I considered my own same-sex attractions, it scared and disgusted me that I could have those kinds of feelings. There were a lot of reasons behind that, some deeply entwined with self-esteem issues; when you feel like you can't or shouldn't be anything other than straight, what kinds of thoughts or feelings guide that impression? Are they linked to memories of things others have said or done, be they friends, family, or peers in general?

    It's good that you're looking into therapy; a therapist will be able to help you a great deal more and on a more personal level (though we're happy to help, too!)

    My suggestion is to avoid porn for a little while and see where your fantasies--unforced, completely natural--take you.
     
  5. detroitlouisred

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    Btw thanks to Obliteratrix47 and BiGemini87 for responding, I really appreciate it.

    All of this is really confusing and although I know it is a process, I hope to find a good therapist to help me sort things out. I've no doubt that I have some other anxiety issues apart from the discussed and although I have found solace and relief from my substance addiction elsewhere I do believe that a therapist can help me sort out some of these other issues, even if they are related to my past substance abuse and just having an addictive personality in general. I do want to take a break from porn and believe that, at the very least, will provide some clarity for me. Like many, I have read about the "reset" that happens when one foregoes porn and/or masturbation. I don't know how true that is or if it is just wishful thinking. Regardless, as you said, it will probably help me figure out what comes more naturally. I don't know if I would go as far as to say I am addicted to porn as I have been to other things, but I do think it is causing me some problems, confusion, as well as a there is a reliance on it. This has been very much the case recently as I feel I have been testing myself a lot. I do want to stop watching it but I am finding it quite difficult to do so.

    I have also considered my being bisexual. I know many have posted that they never truly felt same-sex attraction in real life but still identify as such and I suppose that's a possibility for me as that has been my experience thus far. As stated, until my recent experiences with the two transgender women, all of my sexual experience has been with cisgender women. Beyond that, I have almost always used porn. I don't mean to be crude but the only times I have masturbated without porn have been to pics of cis-gender women or transgender women, and this is where I don't mean to be crude, while smelling ex's worn panties. I have had some pretty great sexual experiences with women but I have found that my most powerful orgasms have generally occurred while masturbating. However, I have read that this could be due to knowing yourself better and what feels good as well as unrealistic expectations due to porn. That sounds fairly legit to me but who knows if that's actually the truth. To be honest, sometimes masturbation just seems mechanical.

    Back to the possibility of bisexuality. I, like you, believe that transgender women are, well, women. However, I know that part of the draw or my desire for them is phallic-oriented so that leads me to believe that calling myself 100% straight isn't as accurate as I might like it to be. Although I was raised in an open and tolerant home and with an openly gay uncle, I don't doubt that some of what I am experiencing could be internalized homophobia.

    All of this has me quite torn. I can see the argument for the concept of having OCD with all the testing, obsession, and constant need or want of reassurance. Like I said, upon this most recent "crisis" I have been consumed by these thoughts on a daily basis. I've been testing with porn and dating apps. Sought out contact with both cisgender and transgender women. Scouring the internet forums looking for answers. I wake up each day terribly anxious. I avoid or find it hard to do things I enjoy, even worse, the things I really need to do like work. I have been avoid contact with family and friends due to this anxiety as well. The honest truth is that I have a few people in my life I feel I could talk about anything with and would not be judged, for which I am very fortunate, but for the life of me I cannot bring myself to speak these words aloud to them. I can also see some merit to the argument of bisexuality. The last statement seems like it could be internalized homophobia and shame. Plus the phallic-oriented interest associated with transgender women.

    I just wish I could say, "Hey, you might be this or you might be that," and give it a rest for a while without being consumed or obsessed by it.
     
  6. Jakebusman

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    Wow sounds like you went through alot hope your doing alot better I know figuring out yourself is hard I struggled alot with accepting myself as Bisexual knowing is one thing accepting yourself is a journey in itself.
     
  7. detroitlouisred

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    Thanks, Jakebusman, I appreciate it. I wish I could say that I was doing better but I am still in the thick of it. It has been somewhat like the opening of my own pandora's box. There have been some really helpful comments so far but as I have read in many posts, "only I can know," but if I were to answer honestly, I don't know. As said before, I see some merit in the suggestion that this could be an OCD thing but I also see merit in the suggestion that I could be bisexual. However, I still don't think I am totally at the point of knowing, and with everything I have been going through I am obviously far from acceptance. I think it is plain that I'm probably not the straight arrow I once thought or claimed to be, which in and of itself is hard to come to terms with. I have made an appointment with a therapist and reached out to another who is LGBTQ+ affirmative (I think that's what it is called) so hopefully, I'll be able to get some assistance sorting this out regardless of what the answer/outcome may be. I just feel so lost and not myself.

    Is it inappropriate to ask what your journey was like?

    Thanks again.
     
  8. Chip

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    So I think the substance use and addictive history are particularly relevant and illustrative here. Addictions nearly always have an underlying psychological issue. As Gabor Maté says, we should be asking not "why the addiction" but "why the pain." There isn't an 'addictive personality' per se, but a set of adaptive behaviors that have developed in order for you to survive... and those behaviors are simply no longer effective even if, in some ways, they were at one time,

    So now that you are sober, the underlying anxiety that was numbed out with the addiction is coming to the surface. OCD could be a part of this, but I suspect it is more complex than that. And this is why we generally recommend therapy for these sorts of issues. I would look for someone who has a psychodynamic background that also has experience with trauma.

    My guess is you have a complex set of issues wrapped together. Likely, the roots of the issues are at least partly in your family of origin.

    It is possible you have some same sex attraction. It is likely there are some obsessive-compulsive traits. And it is near certain there is anxiety or other undiagnosed mental health disorders that are creating these issues. These are things that can absolutely be solved with therapy. Depending on the severity of the current symptoms, you also might talk to your therapist for a referral for assessment for medication to at least help manage the symptoms while working on the bigger issue.
     
  9. detroitlouisred

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    @Chip, I have actually been hoping to hear your take on things as I have read many of your comments on other forums and you're very knowledgeable. Thank you for your input.

    As you said, there are a number of possibilities at play here and issues that need to be resolved. I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist for next week and waiting to hear back from another. Obviously, this is a journey and will take time. I just wish for a slight reprieve while I seek help. But as I have said, I have been consumed by these thoughts and experiencing anxiety/obsession to a level I haven't felt since getting sober. Fortunately, I have no desire to use and have a support network for that, but I do not feel entirely comfortable discussing these issues with them. The obsessions have gotten to the point of thinking I might have monkeypox or will get it, the cases have been rising in my area, based on my recent experiences with the two escorts despite not having any symptoms. I have been repeatedly checking my body. I have been trying my best to stay in the moment as much as possible, keep busy, and make healthier decisions like eating and spending more time outside, things I wasn't doing before.

    Although I have made great strides in getting and staying sober, I believe you're right, @Chip. There's a lot more work that needs to be done, especially feeling the way I feel right now. The funny thing is that, in many ways, I had an idyllic childhood. At the very least, I had a pretty damn good one. I really do not remember having any anxiety or trauma prior to when I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. Obviously, that doesn't mean it wasn't there.

    In addition to seeking a therapist, I have decided to give up porn. I just think it is causing confusion on top of everything else. I am finding it difficult so far but it is something I would really like to do.

    It feels as if the intention of proposing to my ex and the resulting inability to do so shattered my reality. That's how it feels anyway. Before then I was cruising along just fine, or at least relatively so.
     
  10. Chip

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    OK, that, combined with what you've said before, sounds a lot more like classic OCD. There is an absolute explosion in incidence of OCD over the past 5 years. I have not seen any convincing data that suggests why this is, but it is clearly an issue that is far more common that we saw even a few years.

    One of the most interesting things to observe, when Gabor Maté does a public presentation, is when he issues what he calls "the Happy Childhood Challenge." He invites anyone who thinks they had a perfect childhood to come up on stage and he gently probes and asks a few questions... and without fail is able to help individuals find examples of things that point out that there were experiences they didn't realize that have profoundly affected them.

    Traumas do not have to be significant in children to have long-lasting impact. Additionally, trauma isn't just 'something bad that happened.' It can also be 'something good that didn't happen.' To children, the world revolves around them, so when their needs are not met, even in a seemingly minor way, this can have significant impact. Especially when these things happen in the first 3 years of life. If parents were depressed, anxious, had significant stresses... if housing was unstable, or there was strife or fighting in the home... these and many other things influence how our brain develops, and this is one of the roots of anxiety spectrum disorders such as OCD.

    I think that's an excellent idea. Masturbating without porn, if you are used to it, will take some time to get used to... but if you give it a couple of weeks, your body will readjust. Just take your time and be patient.

    I doubt that was the actual cause. It's more likely that was a triggering event; a metaphorical straw that broke the camel's back.

    It seems like you're on the right path to getting this resolved. Given what you've said, I might be inclined to ask for a referral to a psychiatrist sooner rather than later. The severity you are describing may make it difficult to do therapy, so if you get on medication, it can help moderate the symptoms to make it easier to do the therapy work that will help. I also recommend the book 'Brain Lock' which is written by a physician who specializes in OCD and includes practical strategies on how to manage it effectively.
     
  11. detroitlouisred

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    I was actually on Wellbutrin and Lexapro for a number of years until about 6-7 months ago. I stopped taking it because I felt I was at a point in my life and sobriety where I didn't need it, or wanted to see that I didn't need them. As stated, I have experienced this questioning, obsessive thoughts, and anxiety before, but never to this level. So perhaps you're right and I need to revisit the medication conversation with a psychiatrist. I Thanks for the book recommendation, i will definitely look into that.
     
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  12. detroitlouisred

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    Sorry it appears I don't know how to use the quote function properly as all of my responses to what you just said are in that quote box.
     
  13. Obliteratrix47

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    Let me ask you this. Have you had a high anxiety and obsessive-compulsive episodes, like checking, analyzing, etc, etc, before? If that's the case, then this could provide a clear insight as of why that's been happening for a while.
     
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  14. detroitlouisred

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    Yes, I have had some anxiety and obsessive thoughts in the past. I'm definitely a dweller and can spiral while doing so. But I have not experienced anything to this level though. This feels like a whole new animal to be perfectly honest.
     
  15. Obliteratrix47

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    Well, perhaps you may benefit for some therapy to try stopping those habituated behaviors. What you just said, it sounded clear as if you're having another OCD episode. But I cannot be certain that it can be OCD or not, but surely, you might need to talk to a therapist who can offer you some useful advice on how to overcome it.
     
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  16. detroitlouisred

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    Somewhat of an update.

    I know it has only been a few days since my original post but it has been an eventful few days, to say the least. So about three days ago at the peak of my anxiety, I was in communication with my dad, we are very close and he could sense something was wrong. I brushed it off. The next day he reached out to see if I was ok. Given my past with addiction, this was obviously his concern. I was embarrassed and not really ready to "out" myself, as I know I am still extremely confused, I just couldn't keep this all to myself. I felt like I was losing my mind. Eventually, I came clean so to speak, and laid it all out for him. Although at the end of the day, I know my parents will love me no matter what and just want me to be happy, which he reinforced when we spoke, I just know I haven't come to terms with what this all is myself and did not want to put the cart before the horse. My dad's amazing. He said everything you would want to hear during a situation like this and offered up some insight regarding the timing of the addiction and the discovery of transexual porn as well as the fact that I indulged or felt compelled to act out on these fantasies after the difficult ending with my Ex. Shit, he even said, "Maybe you need to try dating some dudes." Haha. I am by no means ready for that as I am still very confused and uncomfortable with all of this, but I have to admit that I felt a sense of relief from the fact that I am not doing this all by myself anymore. After that talk my anxiety reduced and I guess I became a little more accepting of not knowing.

    Giving up porn has been rather difficult. If I am being totally honest, since my experience with the second escort, my desire for and fantasies of cisgender women do not seem to be as intense, focused, or effective. Today, for instance, I was out running an errand and noticed a woman with a great body and voluptuous rear end, something that really worked for me in the past, but it is just not the same. This event has increased my anxiety again, especially due to the fact that I am unable to get a clear focus on fantasy since giving up porn. I have tried a few times but everything is all a jumble, bouncing back and forth between past experiences and images from porn I've seen. It does seem that since all of this occurred, my focus on same-sex genitalia seems to be the most arousing thing, but nothing is really totally doing the trick. Based on what I have read from others on here, it appears this isn't terribly uncommon with those who admit, explore, or give in to their same-sex desire. Perhaps that is the case here.

    Maybe I bargaining but I think it's too early to jump to conclusions. I admit that it is possible that I may be trending in a certain direction, but with as topsy turvy as everything has been, I think it is way to early label anything.

    I have my intake therapy session tomorrow so hopefully beginning that process will help provide some clarity and put me on the path to reducing my anxiety regardless of the outcome of my sexuality. Although it has already been a long journey, I know that in many ways I am just getting started.
     
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  17. Jakebusman

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    So happy you got to talk and it went so well
     
  18. Isbjorn

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    I like your dad. So glad you and he can talk. I have a similar relationship with my son. Some of the things we talk about... Let's just say there are no filters or inhibitions. We make good sounding boards to each other. It looks like you do too.

    Keep up with the counseling. You deserve to have happiness and are worth it! Peace!
     
  19. detroitlouisred

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    Sorry for the delayed response @Jakebusman and @Isbjorn but both of you are absolutely correct in that I am extremely fortunate to have such supportive and open parents.

    Somewhat of an update:

    I had my first therapy session. She seems nice and offered the advice that I don't rush to label myself as that can cause stress and anxiety. I have been trying my best to take that advice, but I'm not sure I have been too successful in doing so. My next appointment is this Saturday and I am going to see if I can't get a weekly session, at least while I am in the thick of all this early on. I will also have an appointment regarding medication tomorrow so that's good.

    Since my original post I seem to be experiencing more depression than anxiety, although that is still there. However, in a weird way my head has kind of cleared up a bit. The best I can describe it is that I have resigned myself to the idea that these thoughts may not be going any where for a while, potentially ever. It's a bit more complicated than that, as you will see, but I do have moments of calm when I can tell myself, "you don't have to figure it all out right now."

    That said, this past weekend was probably the lowest i've felt in a long, long time. Saturday was particularly rough. I was having these crying jags. Sometimes the would seem to be caused by nothing. Other times it would come from thinking about my Ex. Other times it would come from thinking, "I don't want to be this person." Oddly enough after calming down from one of this episodes, my Ex called. Basically she called to tell me that she did not hate me for what happened, life's too short for all that and that she would always love me. The call was very emotional. It was largely comforting as we did not leave things on the greatest of terms initially but a lot of the time she was talking and expressing her forgiveness I kept thinking, "if only you knew." Now, I wasn't questioning my sexuality when I went out to propose, but it seems to have been the catalyst that drove me to the place I find myself currently. Ultimately, the call was a double-edged sword. It's nice to know she doesn't hate me but as I am awaiting my understanding of the whole story, she obviously doesn't have it either. When I came back from my last trip to see her I knew there'd be no going back, not necessarily for the reasons I'm exploring now though. Her call did not inspire any hope of rekindling things, as much as a part of me would love that to be the case, especially now, but there's obviously a reason why I couldn't propose to her and if that is related to what I a going through right now I am obviously not the one for her. Regardless of what conclusions I come to at the end of this journey, she was my first love, she is very important to me, and I will always love her.

    Additionally, I have found it extremely difficult to give up the porn. I am not saying I am addict but my will power to do so has been nil. However, as a result I have made some discoveries that are pointing in a direction I am not really comfortable with. Since my experience with the second trans escort, it seems that the straight porn I used to enjoy isn't cutting the mustard the way it once did. The tranny porn still does the trick. I also broke and explored some gay porn. Although none of these genres seem to be able to get me to stand to attention without aiding myself in the process, as much as it pains me to admit the straight porn seems to be the least arousing. This is new as I never watched gay porn before this, but at least before my experiences with the trans escorts the trans and straight porn were on equal footing. Actually to be honest, my orgasms were generally more intense with the straight porn prior to my experiences with the trans escorts. This has translated somewhat in real life. Although I still notice and check out women when out in public, but it feels different. I haven't noticed myself checking out guys but I don't know if I'm just avoiding doing so. However, I have noticed that there are instances when same-sex thoughts, although somewhat abstract and phallic oriented, seems to be a bit more arousing than straight ones. This has not been the easiest thing for me to accept but it is hard to ignore that there is some form of same-sex desire. I about to enter a period of heavy work so I am planning to double down on giving up porn as well as masturbation so I can do an honest assessment without porn and just fantasy at a later date.

    I have also had a few sex dreams since my original post. Three in total to be exact, which seems to be way more than I have had in a long time. two of them were with cis-gender women. The third was of my Ex but when her panties came off she had a penis. That dream actually didn't involve any sex per say but still worth noting I suppose.

    As stated above, I am very much trying not to jump to any conclusions as I am still early in my journey. I still have a problem with picturing myself dating, cuddling, kissing, etc. other men, I have read that often changes, which scares me. Just being honest. I feel like I've lost myself. Obviously, it is hard to see myself as the same person before all of this surfaced. Although I am trying not to rush into or force labels, it seems that I am not only grieving the situation with my Ex but also the life I thought I'd live and the man I thought I was. As I have been reading the forums, it seems that seldom that those of us who come to EC leave the way we came in. Although it is comforting to know one is not alone, that can only do so much on an individual journey.
     
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  20. Isbjorn

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    Glad to see your therapy session went pretty well and that even though you don't see your relationship rekindling that you got some closure and ended on better footing.

    Continue with the therapy. I think it will do a world of good. I know mine helps me.

    Watch out on the porn front. Part of the problem with porn is that you can build a tolerance, if you will, and can start to look for freakier and freakier shit to get yourself off with. It can also affect reality in that you will never find what you fantasize about with porn in reality because it is not real. They have hundreds of takes and hundreds of angels to get the perfect fantasy, leaving reality in the dust.

    Peace!
     
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