Out to spouse?

My husband was supportive and suspected long before I finally said the words, but our situations are quite different; leastways because I'm bisexual, but mostly because of what you've stated regarding the nature of your relationship with your wife.

Firstly, I'm sorry you've dealt with so much abuse in your relationship. No one should have to put up with that. I can fully appreciate the predicament you're in as well; I've dealt with people who justified their abuse or their perceptions of me based on new-to-them information, when in fact one thing has nothing to do with the other.

Unfortunately, you can't control how she perceives it, if/when you come out. No matter what you say or do, she's likely already made up her mind--even if she doesn't know it yet.

I think it's important that you work out some sort of plan, first and foremost. You want to be prepared for whatever might be coming your way, and if that means setting aside some money for a hotel or a small apartment (providing, of course, that you can) then I'd encourage you to do so. Or at the very least, ensure you have somewhere you can go temporarily to deal with the aftermath; a friend's place or that of a trusted family member.

 

I'm Bisexual and came out to my wife 4 years ago 8 years into our marriage she knew I was either gay or Bi was upset it took 8 years into our marriage for me to come out and should have done it when we were dating

 

I am out to mine, but I'm bi which has a different impact on a relationship than being gay does.

She was surprised but took it ok. She did worry some about what it meant for us, but she is also bi, which I think helped a lot, and she got past that.

If I'm reading you right there is some abuse going on so you're probably better off getting out anyway, though I know that's easier said than done.

 

I came out as gay to a long term girlfriend and frankly it wasn’t pleasant. I simply could not live the lie of straight anymore. She accused me of lying to her at the beginning of our relationship. This was simply not the case, as at the time I truly had deluded myself into think I was straight.
We broke up immediately and will I felt terrible for her and understood her lashing out, out of not understanding the nature homosexuality it was for the best. It was a relief to end the pretending, end the frustration in the bedroom, end trying to be someone I wasn’t and never was.
Frankly I have not looked back, it was uncomfortable for awhile however I soon was able to fully embrace my new exciting gay life.

 

Hey, that sounds like a really difficult situation to be in. I don’t know your wife or your situation in detail, but it sounds like not much understanding can be expected from her direction. You’ve experienced abuse and hurt. Would it be fair to say that loving communication between you two has ceased? If it has, I’m really sorry. It’s a really difficult situation to be in. You say you’re pretty certain your wife would file for divorce. Is that something you would also be willing to do? Or are there some good things that make you feel would you like to stay married if it was at all possible? Relationships and people can grow in unexpected ways sometimes. We’re all capable of growth, but sometimes we grow in very different ways and speeds, or stop our own growth.

One thing I can say is that I painted a lot of horrible pictures about it all (my future, how he would take it etc…) before I came out to my husband. In my case, none of those scary situations that I had imagined came true. In that sense, I consider myself very lucky and for that I’m grateful. Of course it hasn’t all been a smooth ride. There’s been a lot of very difficult emotions to express and process: grief, anger and hurt. I am leaving my best friend, that’s my scenario. I’m extremely monogamous and didn’t cheat or investigate sexually. A person at an LGBT+ helpline asked me: how can you be so sure you’re a lesbian if you’ve never had lesbian sex? That hurt quite a bit and left me a mess for a while but I got over it. What happened with me was that I started to notice my attractions and at first just thought they were a kind of a sweet nightmare. But they kept getting bigger and bigger. Soon enough it became apparent I was indeed a lesbian. I’m kind of sad now that I never had the opportunity to explore before, but that’s a story for another day.

@PatrickUK said here once something like amazing things can happen if you begin conversations from a place of love. That sentence changed everything for me. Suddenly I realised I could approach ”the talk” with my husband from a place of love. It had never occurred to me. That meant I took the responsibility to talk to him, be open and as loving as I could and let whatever comes, to come. It was by no means easy, but I’m very grateful it went as well as it did. At the same time I have no illusion about this: it was the hardest day of my life. I still sometimes think ”how on earth did I actually do that”? I still don’t know… but I’m glad I did, and I know it’s the best for the both of us in the long run…

What I want to say to you is this: You’ve kept this for yourself in your heart for thirty years. We all have our reasons for either coming out immediately, taking our time, or choosing not to come out at all. They’re all valid. If you have the desire to come out, which is the feeling I’m getting from your post, then why not make the next thirty years the best years of your life? I wish you all the best and sorry for a long post I have a bit of a verbal diarrhea at the moment

 

It sounds like you've thought this through very well. I've been in your situation and I have never come out to my now ex-wife, precisely because she's an abusive person and doesn't need the information. It's not clear why you feel you need to come out to your wife at this point in your marriage. It sounds like things need to change, but if you think you're going to get divorced anyway I would recommend you think about not coming until after you're divorced. If you have minor children, you might also talk to your attorney about how being out might affect your visitation/custody rights. If you want to stay with your wife, it seems like you should try couples counseling and see if you feel safe coming out in that context. Remember, you are under no obligation to come out, and at this point it seems like your wife frankly doesn't deserve the information. Also, keep in mind the fact that you've stuck through the marriage for several decades and have tried to make it work, which is a real accomplishment that you can be proud of regardless of whether your wife tries to blame you later.

 

@Nealg

I came out to my wife as bisexual about 5 years ago after 30 years together. I came out to her to STAY with her. I felt the dishonesty was killing our marriage. So, my situation is a bit different in that I have no intention of leaving my wife because we remain devoted. She took it very well and I have had a FWB for the last several years that she adores and these days spends more time with him than I do. That's my story.

Each of us, and every relationship, is different. As @justaguyinsf mentioned, it sounds like your marriage has enough issues that the disclosure would not be helpful since you would leave anyway...to my understanding. It is also true that your sexuality may well become the cause of the failure of the marriage. I hang out with a number of men who were in hetero marriages and this happened to a couple of them. Their wives took no responsibility at all for the failure. It didn't serve them well (the wife that is) since they went on to additional failed relationships.

You know your wife. Do you believe your honesty would be helpful? Perhaps just dissolving the marriage because it doesn't work for a number of reasons is an OK solution?

 

I don't think I will come out to my wife of 30 years for the same reasons, if I did it would be after leaving, not during, I can kind of guess what her reaction will be and I know I'm not ready to withstand that.

 

Hello

For me, I’d been married for 18 years to an absolutely lovely guy. We did have typical issues that most married couples have. But along side that, I was accepting more and more to myself that 1. I was attracted to women and 2. My gender wasn’t entirely female. I had both these issues going around in my head and it was like a storm brewing.

It got to a point where I fell in love with a woman and it was an absolute mess. I am monogamous and couldn’t cheat. I seriously was cracking up, drinking a hell of a lot to blot out and before my personality changed altogether, I had to come out.

When I told my husband I had something to tell him, I couldn’t get the words out and he just said “You’re lesbian?”. I had to laugh lol

Initially I came out as bi first to my husband and then to my gay son. My gay son started to text all his friends and it was decided he had a “cool mum”.

As for my marriage. We talked, talked and talked some more. We changed our marriage to that of best friends but at first I didn’t have a green light to have relationships with women.

I was then left in no man’s land. My whole family and friends knew I was bi, they knew I had a gender issue, but nobody talked to me about it, and if I talked to them about it, it all went over their heads. I was loved but it was like I may as well have said nothing and I felt stuck.

Years went by until further talks with my husband resulted in discussions of divorce. I have health issues and he helps out a lot. He wanted to continue in that role but he understood that our romantic relationship was over. So the result of the talks were that we would remain living in the same house and we live as best friends. We gave each other freedom. So I can have relationships with women. If I got serious with one of them then I’m free to leave. If he finds romantic love with someone else then he’s also free to leave.

So for me now at age 52 I’m happy. I’m out to those that matter and I have my freedom.

 

One of the worst times of my life. I nearly had a breakdown totally. I was hurting someone I loved a lot. I was changing a family dynamics and I felt guilt ridden. These were people I loved. I felt like I’d go straight to hell in a hand basket. This man loved me a hell of a lot and still does. But he had to let me go. I had to constantly tell him that when I married him I wasn’t hiding a sexuality. I did love him but I wasn’t “in love”. I was so happy with him I married him and wanted it to work. We had a son together and raised him. Then there are all the finance issues. You share a house together etc.

We love where we live and enjoy each other’s company so we remain together. Our financial situation is better now and will get even better so if we did ever split in the future it will be possible for both of us to be comfortable.

 

I sincerely hope that you get this freedom too. It doesn’t sound like you are in a happy place in your marriage even before you mention your sexuality.

 

Everything starts with a dream. Hold onto that dream.