How do you deal with the constant 'straight life' propaganda coming up everywhere?

I think the key resides in listening to what you REALLY want. I always felt broken in my straight relationships. Like something was not quite right, even if I didn't know what it was. It ALWAYS felt like I was simply "playing a role".
But I've noticed over time that my most natural attractions have occurred with members of the same sex.
Even back in elementary school I remember looking around the classroom and questioning who I'd "pine for" THIS year. Like I was just trying to reach a goal of having some sort of relationship.
But that was all empty. Much as the relationships I had since then. I always felt like I just sorta fell into them.
When I was 15 I was in a long term psych ward where I fell for a male friend of mine, and in that I found natural attraction. I just yearned to be around him and to make him happy. Like I always knew I had an attraction to the male form, but I'd not had an easily identifiable crush on anyone. This was my first TRUE crush.
That is all quite terrifying, especially when you were raised in a society that said what you feel is not "natural" or okay.
But looking back I can clearly see now that I have ALWAYS had crushes on guys even when I didn't recognize them as being that.
Acceptance is the biggest part. That is what makes the difference in knowing while we are young or when we are much older.
I always was drawn to gay topics on TV and in the media, I always knew there was some sort of "draw" to it, but even then there was still a disconnect because I never felt I fit the stereotype of what "gay" was.

 

Forgive me, as my attention is divided because I'm at work. What I'm basically trying to convey is that the whole straight life, white picket fence, 2.5 kids is something we have been indoctrinated to want. Like that is the "end goal" for every red-blooded american.
And of course, we want so desperately to fit in that we often find ourselves going down this path without much thought or feeling, other than we are just doing what we are meant to do.

 

1) yeah, my username was inspired by BTVS because David Boreanaz is just to die for........
2)I've had many crushes on guys before I realized they were crushes. When I was about 13, I kinda knew I had crushes on guys, but I couldn't accept them. Like I KNEW from an early age that I completely ADORED Christian Slater. But back then, I figured it was all just fantasy.
Now, I know that all the things I felt for guys ARE real, and none of this is made up.

 

Right now I still struggle bit not in terms of my sexuality.
Right now, I still think about how I should just come clean with those I'm closest to, but it is still so hard.

 

Your story sounds very familiar. It sounds like my own story, to some extent, and like stories I have heard from others who have posted here and elsewhere. To me, it has been extremely helpful just to know that my story is not unique. That hasn't necessarily made it any less confusing or frustrating, but at least I know I'm not some freak of nature. That's a good start.

I dated women, had girlfriends, and was married for more than 20 years. I convinced myself that I was essentially straight and that my homosexual fantasies were just an anomaly. But I knew that I was much more turned on by gay porn than straight porn, harder erections more powerful orgasms. I sought it out secretly. I came close many times to having sexual encounters with men, by I always pulled back before going through with it. I read books on homosexuality. Merely seeing or hearing the word immediately drew my attention. It took me decades to accept the fact that my homosexual feelings are stronger than my heterosexual ones. And it's still difficult for me. I see women and feel a certain attraction, imagine forming an emotional bond with one.

I have told everyone I know that I consider myself gay. But at this point, I don't feel capable or any sort of relationship. I feel lonely and wish I could just have an uncomplicated relationship with a woman. My days are something of an emotional roller-coaster. But I don't feel alienated or depressed about the whole thing. Frustrated and discontented, for sure. But I have accepted that I am the way I am and just try to get on with my life.

 

Basically you have just admitted that you have self confidence issues and allow them to be allow them to be an excuse for pretending to be straight when you are most certainly attracted to the same sex.

 

Our society is hetero-based. Period. I don't blame any one person for me suppressing my sexuality until coming out now, at 36 married with two kids, but I do blame the whole damn world for convincing me in every movie, book, commercial, billboard, magazine and song that my only true option for being a woman and having a happy life was to marry a man. End rant.

 

I think there's still a certain "taboo" with being gay. Hell, a ton of our insults are terms for this. I personally just stopped listening. It even became a joke with friends of mine who I had come out to, when they used the word "fag" I would tell them that they're not allowed to say that, but I am. And I meant it in a kidding way.

Also, I had a few make friends and family of mine I told, they for some reason had this urge to tell me that they were straight.....my reply was that weren't my type anyway....best response I heard? WELL WHY NOT!?!? They helped make me feel OK about everything.

 

One thing I have learned - never underestimate the power of wishful thinking. I have only ever really wanted to blend in when it comes to the big things and to make my family proud. It is difficult to accept that I can't do this anymore... I'm just not the woman I wanted to be....

 

Really rushed but want to comment. Get out and immerse yourself in gay friendly enviroment(s). You have to replace the negs (nagative) with pos's (positives) period.

 

Yeah, there are a lot of straight folks out there and they get to tell their stories too. The fact of the matter is that we're a minority so our stories are a minority, but they're out there: movies, books, television programs--accessible in a way they've never been before. Soak it up and then realize that we're still the minority so there are going to be a lot of straight folks out there and we can enjoy their stories too. Most of the people in the media I encounter aren't in banking, they're not from Utah, frankly the vast majority of them are much shorter than I am. It just doesn't bother me. It doesn't keep me from empathizing with them or learning things about myself by watching and listening to them.

A rather odd Christmas tradition that my husband and I have developed over the years is that we watch those terrible Hallmark holiday movies together--you know the ones, Candace Cameron Bure stars in about one in ten of them. A generally grumpy/self-obsessed/depressed woman/man is gradually opened up to the magic of the holiday season through the intervention of a black woman/wise child/literal angel in a story with subtle/not-so-subtle Christian overlay and falls in love with a man/woman with perfect teeth who is less grumpy/self-obsessed/depressed. These stories, demographically, are so not about us and are blatantly ridiculous but they're also, at least for us, ridiculously heart-warming and generally happy tear-inducing.

Love is love. We say it a lot. We should believe it too.

 

When I was 18, my first summer job was as a cargo loader for an airline based in the sub-arctic region of Hudson's Bay, in a town then called Great Whale River (now called Kuujuarapik). It is a town populated mostly by the first-nation Inuit and Cree tribes (about 50:50 at the time).

What is interesting is that this was the first time ever that I was called a "white man".

It was a shocking realization, to suddenly be part of a minority, whereas before I never really had to think about it. This brings up an important point about identity: context matters, just as colours appear different depending on whatever other colours surround them.

I like to think that my "colour" shines differently because of the context of the society in which I live. I find this to be a beautiful thing, something worth celebrating, and a good reminder that aspiring to be "normal" means aspiring to nothing more than mediocrity, being average...being unremarkable...

Given the choice I'd rather be FABULOUS!

 

The Heteronormative Script, what seems like such an innocent social construct has a way of creating so much shame and Internalized Homophobia when individuals do not conform to the script.

It’s the shame and internalized homophohia which impedes our ability to feel good about ourselves, embrace our sexuality and love whom we are.

There have been great insights reflected by others on this thread already. I just want to highlight the need to use such insight, embark on your own journey, and work through the shame and Interalized Homophohia.

You can get to a place of internal peace and conclude your sexuality should not be any sort of limitation which such heteronormative script my otherwise suggest.

There is no one specific path to follow, it is each our own. But with courage and conviction you can overcome the obsticals that are ahead of you. And when you do, there is so much more you may find out about yourself that you have hidden from your own consciousness.

Good Luck!

 

I agree that it is dispiriting to have heterosexuality always held up as the norm and ideal. I'm not sure what one can do other than to avoid the messages as much as possible and replace them with positive gay/bi messages.

 

For me this past year has been one of discovery that everything I thought I needed a woman for ( contented life , success, satisfaction, support etc) I could get from another man. I am slowly coming to the realization that hetero-norm is a lie. It is not for everyone, and it does not guarantee any special benefits. For me homosexuality has proven to the key to What i had been missing in my life- another man! We are indoctrinate from early on that you can only achieve total happiness with the opposite sex- total fabrication and nonsense.
I am tired of being fed the Koolaid that hetero is the only way to achieve happiness. It is for some but not for all. More and more I feel we are on the verge of a gay revolution where we will finally take our place as normal people and not have to submit to the shame and internalized homophobia.

 

My experience exactly. It is devastating to realize the damage I am doing to others now just so I can be authentically who I am but never imagined I could be. Some days I feel brave and strong and that I am absolutely doing the right thing, others days I feel so depressed and hate myself for needing to do this now.

 

Thank you for this. I do agree, I just wish I didn't have to go looking for it, but I understand. I will still like to watch and read about all stories of love. But I do think of myself as a young girl, teen, woman, so impressionable, wanting to fit in abd be accepted abd having zero representations of lesbian love or relationships in person or the media for a point of reference for the inner confusion I was feeling about myself. I know for many this does not matter and they are able to be who they are. But this wasn't my story, I didn't know who I was, I was lost for 35 years and all I knew to do was to follow along and become what society was showing and telling me to be. I am so happy there is more and more representation of positive LGBTQ people and stories in the public eye everyday so that hopefully young girls who have inner self doubt abd confusion like I did will have more opportunities to get in touch with themselves earlier before making choices that make it much harder to come out later in life.