Parents: please don't assume sexual orientation

Damn I wish my parents were as accepting as yours. They would say that... when hell freezes over.

 

What I've always found weird about parents who assume their children to be "normal" ( be it sexual orientation or something else), is that once they find out their children aren't what they assumed them to be, they go through a " grieving phase", as if the child they thought they had had died.
That is horrible, because that child never existed in the first place.
I have an autistic cousin and in her case her parents are constantly going on about how autism " stole their daughter" .... eh, no, you never had a non-autistic child, that daughter you're grieving is not real, meanwhile your real daughter feels like she isn't good enough.
Same goes for gay kids. Parents, if your kid is gay, THAT's the kid you got.
When they come out, that doesn't mean your former " straight" kid is gone, because guess what, chances are your child was gay all along, you just didn't know.
If you have this ideal view of what your child is/will be, you'll often be disappointed, and worse, unable to accept and love the child you actually have.
Always be open to your child being/becoming any possible thing a human being can be, because nature doesn't care for your wishes and ideals, people are diverse and your child will always be an individual, not some idealized " normal" creature, because something like that simply doesn't exist.

 

If there was a 'like this post' option, I would totally click it! I agree wholeheartedly!

 

I've been meaning to reply to this for a while, I thought it would be good to add a parent's perspective.

I think things are really changing. I know I never assumed my son was straight, any more than I made assumptions about what would be his best school subject or favourite band. So I never went through the grieving process that most parents do. I can say with absolute certainty that I felt no sense of loss or need to adjust. Ironically in my case it's my son himself that's struggling with it.

Also, many of my friends don't either. It was hard wired into our language, right from how we spoke about our kids as babies. Jokey match-making that all parents do when they have children a simlar age would always be "assuming they're straight" or "they'd be cute if they are gay". If something heteronormative was said, someone would pick it up: "You're making a bit of an assumption there"

This also applied at least to some extent with gender identity - I've seen many a friend's boy dressing up in fairy dresses and make up and girls with train sets and work tools. My niece refused to wear a dress or skirt until she was about 11 or 12. Pink and blue dress codes a total no-no.

Admittedly you are talking a pretty liberal, well educated peer group with quite a few creatives mixed in, and I'm in the UK. Where I live now it is less evident although even here (in a more conservative rural setting) I still come across the same thing a fair bit. I thought it might be encouraging to know that it is shifting and the number of parents who are like this increasing. I think the next generation will grow up with a lot less conditioning than we did.

As for the grieving process, I do recognise it's a natural one for many people. It is human nature to assume and project, and a hard lesson when the plans we make for other people don't come through.

It's interesting that someone mentioned the example of an autistic child. I worked with special needs children and the grieving process that many parents need to go through is very real. From childhood most people dream of being a parent, and the child they see is not in a wheelchair, or deaf, or have learning difficulties. The imagination is a powerful thing. I think this experience helped teach me never to make assumptions. It's hard to explain, but when I was pregnant I never took it for granted I would have a "normal" child (one without SN). I wasn't fearful or anxious, just very aware that when you become a parent you sign up to a lottery along with everyone else. You don't get to see their hair colour until they are born, their personality until it unfolds, and you don't get to know who they will grow up to be until they grow and find themselves.

It's true someone who has an autistic child never had a non autistic child to grieve for; it's the idea of a child that never was they have to work through and let go of as part of the process of coming to terms with the child they have. It's the same process for many with a LGBT child. They have to work through and let go of their idea of a child that never was as part of accepting the child they always had.

 

Wow, I have a form of autism and it would have really damaged my self-esteem if my parents thought that way about me : (

 

I know of a person who just came out, and my mom said that she has known for a long time! I asked her how, and she said that when he was little, he liked a purple purse. What the heck? This annoyed me how she could jump to conclusions.

 

I'll raise my child using gender neutral pronouns when I talk about any future partners they have. I will probably talk about them having kids though, even if they need to adopt, I still really want grandchildren. Also while I'll probably call the child one gender or another by assumption, I'll raise them to know what transgendered means, and that it's perfectly okay.

 

I agree. I came out to my mother because I was suffering from severe anxiety because I was hiding my attractions to women. I was tired of hiding that part of me,and a friend's coming out really helped me to finally confront it. I was sick and tired of getting asked about boyfriends and assumed that I would date one of my guy friends or a guy in general. I felt uncomfortable talking about guys, and preferred talking about my crushes on women. I had no interest in boyfriends and couldn't understand why my straight female friends wanted to date them. I would come out to more people than my immediate family, but my extended family I'm not too sure their actual stance on LGBT. I know if my current girlfriend and I get serious enough I will have to tell them at some point, but right now I'm not emotionally ready to do that. Same goes for the good majority of my friends. But I think if my mom and dad would have been a lot more open about that all, I might have been a lot less anxiety ridden and would have been able to date comfortably. I might have felt comfortable to open up and be myself more.

 

I completely agree with this, and it's a thing I'll always go by if I have children. Heteronormativity makes coming out hard. My mum's not homophobic, far from it, but her whole assumption is that I'm straight, and it feels like to come out, I'd have to burst through a brick wall of assumptions. (At least she doesn't talk about dating too often, otherwise I'd probably start to get really uncomfortable.)

 

I completely agree with both Chip and GeekMonkey.

However, instead of blatantly asking if they "have a girlfriend or a boyfriend," I think the question should be "are you dating anyone?"

It sounds natural, but it doesn't assume.

As an add-on to what GeekMonkey said, that's exactly how my mother reacted when I came out as transgender. She said she wouldn't allow me to take HRT or surgery because "it feels like she would lose me" - and it's not even because of the risks. It's because it changes how I look. And when I asked her to cut my hair, at least, she said, "I won't be able to recognize you."

I mean, gee, mother, thanks. That's really reassuring.

 

Sighs, I wish my parents were like that. Of course, they wouldn't be because they are homophobic :/ But I wish that if they weren't, that they would say "anyone" because that would of also helped me realized sooner that I was bi - Not just homophobia, but also the idea that you could only like one gender affected me a bit too.

But yes, I just wish our parents could not care about what the gender(s) of the people we fall in love with are. Because just like everyone here knows, there's nothing wrong with liking the same sex, opposite sex, or both sexes because it's just love. When I feel butterflies in my stomach and being so happy when I like a girl, I always wonder what my parents and pastor see so wrong with it... Despite what any you-have-to-look-at-the-context verses in the Bible say, my parents should just be able to see that it's only love...

So yeah, note to all parents: Don't assume things, don't question them, and always love your kids no matter what!

 

I never assume straight, and I try to use gender neutral language when possible, particularly with people who I don't know well. If they are straight and cisgendered, odds are they won't notice I'm using gender neutral language. If they are trans and closeted, they probably feel a lot better with gender neutral than if I called them the wrong gender.

 

++++++++++!

As someone who has only now (31) accepted themselves in the face of a less than supportive family, I've learned that I am not the one with the problems.

If parents want to blame anyone for their child being gay, they should punch themselves in the testicles/ovaries.

If I had a child I would love them unconditionally.

 

I agree with this as well. One of the reasons i married someone in the first place was because I felt like my parents expected it. On the other hand, with my children, girls, I have tried not to assume their sexual orientation. Even before I knew I was gay, and someone would say to the girls something about liking a boy or a boyfriend, I always made the point of saying or girlfriend, either one is ok. Hopefully, if they realize that they are gay, they will be comfortable enough to tell me. And I did come out to them, and this is because I want them to be proud of who the are whether heterosexual or homosexual, and not feel like they need to hide this part of themselves. Doesn't matter to me.

 

I thought the same thing.

And damn do I wish my parents were like some of the ones posted about in here. Seriously... Look, they could even use sexually specific terms, I would have preferred not, but really just their acceptance is what I want. mostly the mom. I havent seen too many people more worried about telling mom than dad .

 

+ 1 respect point for you

 

Thank you for posting this! As difficult as it can be sometimes, I will try to be unassuming when I one day have children of my own. I never even took this into consideration, so I'm glad I got to read this Thank you again!

 

It's true!
My parents have always raised me and told that straight is the normal and anything else was weird or even sinful.(my parents are Christian) and so am I but with slightly different views. Though there are many great and understanding parents, there are many that still need to learn that when raising a child, do not tell them they straight is normal and anything else is strange because it is not.

 

I guess because I am not straight it has been easier for me because I have never assumed that my child will be straight. I have always thought that is something for her to determine when she is ready - in fact she has come out earlier than I would have expected (she is 11) but I'm not upset or grieving the loss of an imaginary straight child, in fact I'm proud of her for knowing her own mind and being able to express herself. I wish I could protect her from homophobia but I'd never swap the wonderful daughter I have got.