Hello All.....I saw a short clip of Mayim Bialik (Big Bang Theory) today that was great. In my posts here on EC I have often suggested that members find a therapist that works with our LGBTQ Family to help them through difficult times. In that short clip Mayim said that if a glass of water is completely full, one more drop will cause it to overflow. Therapy, meditation, processing trauma are all methods of removing water from the glass, lowering the level so that it takes more drops for the glass to overflow. I thought this was a good way of explaining what these therapies do. Sometimes we are hesitant to talk to a therapist, but I can say that, at least for me, it was one of the best decisions that I ever made. .....David
I wish I could have gotten my ex-wife into some kind of therapy after I came out, but she has always resisted anything that might imply she was not perfect and it wasn't the rest of the world that needed to change! In the end she made it through the worst and eventually was pursued by a widower who has largely taken control of her life, and she seems happy. Or as happy as she gets....which still might be better with some therapy, but that's not my problem now. I went to a couple sessions myself, largely because I was worried that my new relationship was some kind of a rushed, ill-advised and rather adolescent reaction to coming out. In the 3rd session, the therapist looked at me a little quizzically and asked what exactly I needed help with. When I couldn't come up with anything, she said "Neither can I", and we called it quits. He and I are approaching 10 years together so I guess we were both right - but the point is, absolutely be open to it if you feel there is some value in it for you, and you think you will be more content for doing it, and can better deal with the changes in your life. There is absolutely no shame in getting help. This may be the biggest line in the timeline of your life that separates the "before" from the "after", so make sure the "after" is an improvement.
It always amazes me how we don't hesitate at all to go see the doctor when we don't feel well. But getting someone to see a therapist is often really difficult. Our society has convinced us that admitting that we are less than perfect to another person is just outright taboo. So instead of finding help with a professional we try to self-medicate in numerous ways that almost always make things worse. Without the help of Empty Closets and a wonderful therapist, my life would be a total disaster today. .....David
I like the full cup reference. I am starting up with a therapist this month. I have worked with one in the past and the act of being able to share our thoughts and feelings with another person without judgment can make a big difference. They are an under appreciated profession. Also, I still think of Mayim Bialik as Blossom… dating myself here! Either way… she’s great!
WonderQuest.....I do hope that the therapist that you will be seeing lists working with the LGBTQ Community in either their CV or their website. Also, trying not to be prejudice here, but some "Christian" therapists are not the best choice for sexuality issues. (and I am a Christian!) .....David
I am getting nervous about going to therapist in few weeks. Worried he might tell me something I will have to tell my wife which might be difficult for her to handle.
No one will ask you to tell anything, if you're not ready to have that conversation, but therapy can help you explore those feelings and go through all the possible scenarious that can give you more courage and understanding.
Thanks David. Good advice! I actually switched therapists for the reasons you list. I just wasn't sure the other person would be understanding. The person I will be seeing is LGBTQ affirming so I am hopeful it will be a positive experience.
I'm finally happy with my therapist now. It's the third one that I've tried in last two years. I thought that the first one was working well, but now I see that her method and point of view were harming me. It was not her fault, I know: it's only it didn't fit with me. I chose her because she has experience with LGTBI therapy, but her solutions were based on convincing me that, if I needed to put space and time between me and my loved ones because I felt burnt, then I had to do it, as I could change my reaction to thing that annoy or disturb me. But it only made me feel so bad with myself, as I noticed that I was putting my loved ones far away from me... and making them believe that it was the solution that I needed. It wasn't. I didn't realize that until now. With the therapist that I'm visiting now this are improving a lot. Slowly, but firmly. It hurts, it really hurts, as I've finally identified my fears, and I have accepted that I can't change how I react to whatever is around me, but I can change indeed how I act. And I'm working so hard to find out who I want to be, what I want to do (not just what I have to), and how could a take decisions that I'd be proud of. It's a good experience. But you have to find the right therapist. And that process could be painful and dangerous. A bad therapist, or someone who doesn't fit with the right therapy with you, can hurt you a lot. Just as a bad doctor do with your physical pain or disease.
Hello All.....It's clear that I am NOT a therapist. In discussion with my therapist he commented that a good therapist does not tell their client what to do. He instead helps them find what is right for them. .....David
Yes, that's exactly what my therapist tells me! She is not there to tell me what to do, but to help me to understand how I am and what I want, why I act as I do, and what could make me happy. And she certainly, when she approaches to an opinion about how I am or what should I do, she is very careful... and she is so good that she targets on the exact point! I really appreciate that.
Thx Rayland. I will go into session with an open mind and will be truthful and honest. I’m just worried therapist will tell me to tell wife I’m bi as I know I am. Is it possible to live a happy married life as a bi husband….. I have had a few gay hookups before married but don’t want to act on my urges bc I don’t want to ruin a great marriage. I’m hoping therapy will help me deal with this.
Lance.....I am in a mixed-orientation marriage. I am gay and my wife is straight. Of course it's possible for you to have a happy marriage if you are bi and your wife is straight. It all depends on the personalities of the people involved and the boundaries that the two of you agree on. If the two of you truly love one another, then there is always the possibility of working out an agreement the makes both of you feel safe in the marriage. Communication is really the critical factor in this situation. If both of you feel that nothing is being hidden and there is complete honesty in whatever agreement that you come up with, then you have an excellent chance of making this work. All our hopes are with both of you in this situation Remember that you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! .....David
Thx for those amazingly supportive words. U are making me tear up with those kind words. I really need it as I have been in a bad place since outed for CD. I’m not sure how open my wife will be with me exploring on the side but maybe if I take it in baby steps she might open up. At least she is willing to listen to me about my feelings these days and we are talking often. Again thx for sincere words.
Lance.....I am glad to hear that the two of you are talking! That is so important...it at least gives you the chance to work things out! .....David
I had my first therapy session this week. It went really well! It was so nice to talk this through out loud with someone. I was a bit nervous going in, but once we started I was able to relax. Interacting with people on EC definitely helped me be more comfortable in therapy. It feels really good to finally be talking about this as opposed to hiding it and keeping it to myself.
WonderQuest.....When I think back to my first few therapy session the things that stand out to me were the secrets that I had never told to anyone that I said out loud for the first time. They were things that I had sworn to never tell anyone. Secrets that I had said I would take to my grave. Yet there I was telling another human being that I was gay...through a waterfall of tears and sobs, but I did manage to get the words out. I shared the pain of hiding my sexuality for decades and trying so hard to be straight, be a good husband and a good father to three sons all the while hating myself for the lie that I was living. He listened and he did not condemn me. What he did do was to get up and come to me and embrace me in a loving hug and told me that there was a way that things could be better. That I was a good husband and father, that there was no reason to hate myself. He told me that I was not broken and that there was nothing wrong with being gay, that I could live a good life and that he would help me find the road that would kill that terrible secret, the self-hate and depression...that we would do it together. That was quite a promise he made to me, but he made good on it and he stuck by me over the years and helped me put my life back together. He helped me to learn to love myself. He helped me to come out to my wife, she accepted me and we are still together. One of my biggest fears was that she would want a divorce and with his help that did not happen. I have said numerous times here on EC that finding a therapist that works with the LGBTQ Family was the best decision that I ever made and that is so very true. So @WonderQuest, I am so glad that you are working with a therapist. I hope your therapist will have as big an impact on your life as mine did! .....David
WonderQuest, what u wrote is exactly how I feel. I have only gone to one therapy session but ur note gave me more confidence that therapy will work. I am nervous my marriage will fall apart but seeing how u were able to stay together as a gay husband it makes me feel like I can stay married as bisexual. Is ur marriage open? R u still intimate with ur wife?