My dad again

I know we've talked about this some, but I wanted to make sure I could offer support here, too. Firstly, I'm glad you held your ground when he opted to be confrontational with you, and I'm also happy that your mom does what she can to stick up for you; that in itself is really encouraging, even if it hurts that both of your parents are at odds in how they treat you.

Secondly, I know it doesn't seem like it, but you've come a long way and have grown so much already, in spite of your father's attitude. I hope you can find pride in knowing you're a good person, regardless of his many criticisms of you.

I'm not sure I have much in the way of advice on how to change things, but I will say this: the only person who can change your father is him. No matter what you or your mother do or say, the decision to be a better father, husband, and person is up to him alone--and the sad reality is, he may never make the decision to better these aspects of himself. In fact, I would go so far as to say that he knows he's not living up to his potential and thus has been projecting his failings onto you; perhaps in a subconscious grab for company in his misery.

But, despite the fact that you can't change him, you still have control over one thing: yourself. You are your own person, and though it will be difficult at times to see your worth, with a bit of unlearning and conscious effort, I believe you'll start to see yourself in a more positive light--and that will shine through. It won't be easy, and everyone who works to overcome the negative voices in their minds struggles to do so consistently; it's always most difficult when you start. But the more you do it and the more time passes, the easier it'll be. This doesn't mean you won't have low points again, of course, as these are part of life/human experience. But when you do, I think all your facing now and all the work you've put in (and continue to put in) will make it easier to overcome them.

You're stronger than you think, and you know I'm here whenever you have need. <3

 

Omg he was way out of line, very disrespectful of him!! I'm sorry and also glad that you were able to say something and your mom did too. The strong emotions make it hard and then you cry and hope all the emotions get out. It's frustrating when it keeps coming back and it's like a constant battle. I wish he'd read a book about good parenting and take it to heart. What kind of person knowingly hurts their own child? What is his reasoning? Is his cruelty supposed to force you conform to some perfect person he thinks you should be? He probably thinks shaming is a valid way to change your behavior. He's wrong along with all the other people who have been doing that forever. It's tragic all the suffering they have caused humanity. I hope you always remember he is wrong, not you. You are so kind and capable and he better watch himself. Hang in there buddy!

 

Not excusing your dad's behaviour AT ALL! But, from my experience as a dad - we can often say hurtful things because we think (from OUR point of view) our kids are maybe going in a direction we don't think will be safe or happy or successful for them - the problem is we are often wrong because the direction we want for them is based on OUR experiences and OUR upbringing and we don't take our children's individuality and uniqueness into account.
I know I would get frustrated when my kids didn't do what I thought they SHOULD and I realise, in hindsight, I should have recognised that you can't MAKE your children turn out how you think they should - you're supposed to recognise their own selves and support them in becoming that...
What I mean I guess is that it probably comes from a place of love - he probably wants you to have a healthy, happy life that conforms to the rules and conventions that he grew up with - maybe from his point of view he's worried that you won't fit into that pattern which he imagined for your future and will therefore be unhappy...
As I said I'm not excusing his behaviour at all - just giving my view of having seen both sides! I've been a child with not very supportive parents AND I've been a parent who could have done much better..!

 

I get it you want to love your parents which is drilled into our heads in many ways throughout society. It's part of religions to always honor your parents, which is very convenient for them. Not that one needs to be religious, as it is pervasive. People with power set the rules to benefit themselves. What did your dad and uncle do to try to learn how to be a great dad? I'm just curious bc if I was going to be a dad, learning what a child really needs to grow up healthy and loving oneself would be my priority. Of course I look at this differently being gay, older and working to undo the damage done to me. I hope it's not too harsh but I'm sick of people who refuse to stop their toxic behavior, especially to their children.

 

You're right he has to want to change and has to know why he should change. Next time start crying in front of him, let it all out and let him know he's causing your pain and ask if that's what he wants? Maybe that will do something after enough times. Another way if you feel up to it, you could bring up the last time and let him know how bad you felt to see how he responds. Either way you are being honest about what you feel and I hope it's empowering to you.

There's generational trauma here too and all over so how will it stop if we keep going along with it? Yes, we were taught to hide emotions especially as guys, be tough, no weakness, no crying, don't be a fag, etc. It's all damaging too, that's what I'm trying to say. You know by now I don't always say stuff quite right, but I really do want all the joy for you in life

 

I think parent/child relationships are always difficult because there IS such a power imbalance which is necessary when the child is a baby or young child - but it's hard for parents to notice and realise that it's time to back off with the control as the child becomes an adult..
Again it sounds like I'm excusing his behaviour but I'm not! I'm just recognising some of the mistakes I made as a parent - I wasn't nearly as bad as MY parents but I should have done better than I did - I was also dealing with the anxiety disorders and PTSD that I got from my upbringing at the time I was trying to raise MY kids - passing along that generational trauma!

 

Another important point - you will probably look back and agree that the years you are going through now - of becoming an adult but still living at home - are probably the hardest you'll go through!
You seem very level-headed and mature so I'm sure you'll make it! But it really is a difficult time!

 

Gosh sorry I didn't meant to assume! I think I was having too many conversations at once!
I can see why it's MORE frustrating then being treated like a child!
I know a lot of people here who have to live with their parents for financial reasons or as carers and it's so hard!
Sorry I've been treating you like child too! I'm so embarrassed!

 

I did! So sorry! I really want to try to help everyone and sometimes I rush in!

 

Hang in there Rain were all here for you !

 

i have a brother who is pretty similar with being transphobic and homophobic and always asking "are you gay or something"
it's so scary, i know the feeling- it is terrifying.
i hope you know that there are so many people like us and support from other queer people is much stronger than hate and rejection ! we will always be here to support you as a community.

i'm so sorry that things are difficult, being lgbt with an unaccepting family is really complex and scary. but it is doable.

i believe in your strength!!

 

Thank you!

yes! i think it's also helpful to consider (if you are ready to come out) which way is most comfortable for you. at the moment i'm writing a coming out letter that i want to give to my parents at some point because i'm much better at writing stuff down. and if i said it in person i would probably get too scared lol.

so maybe telling him directly is the easiest and most comfortable way for you, or it could be through a message, through a letter, through something else? there could be another process that you feel more comfortable coming out through, though it makes sense that every process would be scary in its own way. it's tough!!

sending lots of luck and good vibes