I am considering talking with my partner about our relationship and whether we should continue. Not straight away, but in the next few months. I am worried about... 1. The immediate aftermath should we decide to go our separate ways. We're not married and everything belongs to him, so he could just kick me out. I'd need him to work with me whilst I sorted out where I was going to live, etc. He's not always supportive. I'm not sure his reactions are entirely normal sometimes. Like, when I've come out of an interview feeling it went badly, he'd tell me to give up, add to my comments about how bad it went, make jokes about me never finding a job, and generally make me feel worse. 2. The long-term need to work together to bring up our daughter, because... a) His opinion of single mothers is not high, as he has made clear. He thinks they all spend child maintenance on themselves, and has said to me that if he were in that position then he would pay school fees, rather than money direct to the mother. b) He doesn't really like my family. Will take any opportunity to point out something negative. But, if we were to separate, I hope that they would be more involved with our daughter. Overall, we have different views on things, and I don't think that he would trust me to bring up our daughter. I think introducing any new partners (male or female) would be a huge issue. He doesn't like any of my friends, so I doubt a new partner would be any different. 3. I don't know how he'll represent me to our daughter. He's not overtly homophobic, but will make jokes and comments. Also, he does things like getting our daughter to refer to me as 'domestic staff' and blaming things on me. For example, the other day he accidentally broke one of her toys, rather than saying it was an accident, etc. when she realized, he just told her it was me. Why would anyone do that? He makes me feel awful and I'm getting fed up with this non-partnership. I don't really see a way out, though. We have good days too. I don't know how far from normal my relationship is sometimes. I'm probably making too much of little things.
You're not making too much of little things. That doesn't sound like a great situation at all. I think sometimes we think there has to be constant drag down fights or actual abuse for it to be "worth" making a big deal over. Your marriage actually sounds a lot like mine has been the last year.
sounds like you need to get yourself and your daughter separate from him. it would be best for both of you. i think.
It sounds so much like my marriage. I made excuses for his behavior for 19 years... always thinking I was making too much of little things. Just from what you wrote, he sounds pretty toxic for you AND your daughter. You need a plan. Are you working now? Earning enough to pay rent and food? If not, that's first. And don't let his belittlement hurt your self-confidence any more. They do that shit on purpose! Use me as a resource. I was terrified before I finally asked for a divorce, but I got myself together, did what I had to do to boost my self-confidence, and then I did it, and it is going really well. I will tell you one thing my therapist told me: Since you are the child's mother, you have more control than he does. He has tried to make you feel like you don't have control, but the day you tell him you are leaving is the day you take that control back. There won't be anything he can do about it. BELIEVE!
RJay, Thank you so much for your reply. It's good to hear that others have been in difficult situations and made it out. I've actually just got a job, so things are looking up. I'm really happy about it. I'm still feel that I'm making too much of little things. It's not that bad. We have nice days out together.
Of course, no two relationships are exactly alike, so I won't tell you that yours is as bad as mine was. BUT, there were a lot of red flags in your original post. I had to go over lots of specific things my husband had said to me with a therapist before I truly accepted that not only was I not making too much of little things, I was letting way too much slide. Perhaps you could benefit from the perspective of a professional?
