Hi EC Later in Life folks, I just posted in the Coming Out section about how I'm now "Out in a new city". Overall it is great to be in a region where there is a strong LGBTQ center and lots of other positives. No bisexual group so far, and no GAMMA group, but so many other groups I can be part of and feel authentically "in the community." But being apart from my wife makes it hard to talk through her fears and work towards her acceptance of my bisexuality. The pluses of moving so far away is she is less afraid about people in her life "finding out" -- this means I got permission to be active in LGBTQ groups and activities, and to come out to our kids and some limited family members on my side. I'm letting her know as I decide to tell others (such as my boss). She knows she can tell people (friends or her family) if she wants (I just asked she let me know later) but she's been afraid/reluctant to do so even when I remind her they love her and would give her positive support. The main thing is I get to be authentic here, so long as I'm not being fully out. I can be real if someone asks, but we're still not to the point where she can handle the idea of me just announcing by bisexual orientation broadly. That is an incremental improvement compared to months ago, and feels good, but still not feeling fully where I'd like things to be. The minuses include not being able to be in couples therapy, and daily hugs and reassurance about our love and connection to one another. We've got text and phone and computer video connections, but the chances for visits are rare. We were able to get together recently. It was good to have a date, and to talk, and have intimate re-connection too. But then it was over, and we're back to our separate living which is so hard. Plus she's still having a hard time trusting me, and jumps to conclusions, and that nearly derailed our together time. I need your advice on how to handle this with more than just calm and patience - her reaction really disappoints me. I'm hurt. I start despairing that all these months have gone by and she still breaks down in tears. I haven't done anything but realize and claim I'm bisexual in my orientation, and reassure her that I love her and I'm still very committed to our marriage and monogamy, and ask that I can be honest and not be told to hide. I am so grateful for the progress (that she let me come out to the kids now, and is tolerating that I'm engaged in the LGBTQ community activities here) but there is still no embrace of the journey I'm on, just fears and tears. So... I'm happy to now change my status from "not out to anyone" to "out to some"... that's a big step. But still hurt and disappointed that she's continuing the tears and fears.
Hey i can see how it would be hard to have this sort of dynamic. My wife needs constant reassurance and that would be hard to do when you are away so much. Not sure there is anything more you can do. It's great you get to be out some. That's gotta feel good.
Hey I can understand why the situation is so tough. Can I ask how long it took you to question, confirm and accept your bisexual identity? I know your wife isn't going through that but she has to go through her own process and at the moment it seems that every time her mind thinks of it she is terrified you are going to find a man who you feel you can't resist. I assume (and I'm only guessing) that she also perhaps feels a bit not inadequate but as though she isn't enough for you and I'm not saying that's true or that you would cheat on her but in her mind you being so far away in her mind is like a child being left in a new candy store and being told they can look but not touch. She is afraid the temptation is going to become too much. I think you are doing all of the right things with the reassurance and meeting up when you can, I think time will sort this eventually although I can understand your frustration at the slow speed.
Hi Silverhalo, A turning point for me was beginning back in early spring. You can see some of this back in March, in a thread where I was realizing I needed a male best friend (titled "monogamous and not monosexual"). @Nickw and @justaguyinsf helped me in that thread. https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/monogamous-and-not-monosexual.469247/ Before that time my posts were more "I'm straight but..." It was May when I changed my designation here. That gives you an idea of how long. Although in my whole life I've never denied noticing guys, but it hadn't ended up as fantasies until recently, and I knew I was attracted to women so until the recent shift in fantasies I hadn't needed to assume any orientation other than straight. Progress moved faster as spring progressed - it helped when my wife listened enough to what I was saying to agree I could go to a counselor in the spring. She has been on the journey in the same timeframe I'm on the journey. I've tried to be very open and vulnerable with her because I believe that is the right thing. Yes, she has to go through her own process. I get that. What hurts is I know she'd be accepting and supportive of any of her friends, or one of our children, if they needed to come out to her. But it is different with me, there is a definite struggle for her. She didn't kick me out, but she did say she never would have married me if I'd known I was bisexual (even one without experience, as is true for me!) back when we were dating and engaged. She told me our children would not take it well if I came out to them and made me delay that process (I had full faith and confidence in them, and have not been disappointed there). My willingness to be vulnerable and honest with her is met with her tears and fears rising to the surface, yet sometimes a glimmer of progress. Even before this job-move she began this. My being away from home isn't making it worse for her fears. It is something deeper, regardless of the context of where I am.
Ok I hear what you are saying so maybe what she needs is some kind of support service for herself, could you encourage her to come on EC (assuming you wouldn't mind that) or a PFLAG group or something. I feel like she needs to some people that have been in her or similar positions. From what you are saying it sounds as though she is refusing to move past the stage she has gotten to, almost like if I don't accept it or acknowledge it too much it might go away. Has she seen a therapist?
I've been thinking of what you brought up. I think in the beginning that might have been especially true, even to the point where she would forget what I told her. It may be she's just not able to handle the information, as it destabilizes her sense of self. I love her, and I know she loves me (and she keeps telling me that), but can a person who loves you still not be able to accept what you're saying? She's clearly fearing I'll look for a guy sometime in the next 10 years, and that literally and figuratively gets her in her gut. I doubt she would ever go to PFLAG, unless she went to a meeting in an entirely different town, as she's (insert word here: embarrassed? ashamed?) that it would get out to her friends and folks from work. This is helping me with a deeper empathy for young folks still living at home, worried about their parents' reactions. Except they can be told "wait until you move out" because the expectation is they will become "grown up" and independent. My expectation is that we're growing old together, and that being apart right now is a temporary thing in the grand arc of our golden years (I hope). Independent counseling for each of us should help, but it doesn't reassure me that we're getting the work we need on the "us."
DecentOne, I feel your pain with trust issue and being bisexual. My wife does not trust me and waits for me to abandon her by finding another man of my dreams. I reassure my wife that I have been and will remain faithful to her, to our marriage. I think this new LGBTQ community will help make you feel like you belong. This feeling of "community" is a much better option vs. isolation. Do you feel like you owe your wife happiness in her life? Being in therapy taught me that I'm in charge of my happiness as my wife is in charge of hers. Hugs,
It's definitely a tricky situation. If you asked her what she is most struggling with what do you think she would say?
I think this bisexual or gay husband situation is way more common than is reported. Unfortunately, the success stories are not out in the open so much. So, all your wife hears is the failures. I think it helps my wife that one of her best friends is an 80 plus year old man that she met at the gym. He was married to a woman for sixty years and is gay. He stood by his marriage commitment all those years and his wife was aware of it. I also have only hooked up a little bit over two years in a small town. But, a quarter of the guys I met were married and wives knew and were OK with it. I was also a part of a discussion group for this same population. I am almost certain that one of my best "straight" friends is gay and married to a woman and she knows. Just some of the comments they make and how defensive he got when I joked that something he wore looked awfully gay (Sorry, I am not very politically correct). It's too bad your wife cannot find someone to share with. My wife is not a joiner and doesn't like confidants. So, she doesn't feel the need. But, it would be great if your wife could find some sort of support system.
