So far the only human being I've discussed my sexual orientation with is a therapist. It felt great, like a tiny bit of vindication somehow. I've been fighting with myself about telling friends, though I really want to. I've had an awful time with anxiety/worry and sadness since feeling attraction to the same sex this late in life. It's still quite new (2-3 months). I really worry about the future, dating, all of that mess. I'm thinking that telling even one person who I know and trust would somehow make me feel less anxious, and perhaps more hopeful about the future. I don't know why I think it would help, but it might. For all other late bloomers out there, did telling a friend about your newly realized sexual orientation make you feel better, less worried, more hopeful, etc.? Life really sucks for me right now!
Big hug to you! I know how you feel right now. Trust me it will all fall into places one day. For now I suggest you don't rush things. Give yourself time to adjust to this new situation and understand how real it all actually is. 2-3 months is very short period of time. It took me five years before I could be absolutely sure who I am and what I want. Now I can say that I feel more complete because I have finally embraced this aspect of my personality. I am not running from it, I don't feel sad about it anymore, but I don't expect it to solve all my emotional problems either.
Good morning! Big hug from me, too. Take your time, be patient with yourself. 2-3 months is a very short time. Probably your "inner CO" is still on it's way. From my experience: my inner CO (accepting/realizing being lesbian, figuering out what it means to my life, my past, my future) took about two years. Outing to people started afterwards. Slowly. Just to close friends. It took years for me to find a strategy how to deal with it at work, in public life. My processs started when I was 28 now I'm 36 and it took me all these years to become myself. So you can be sure it will take some more time for you. Someday you'll feel the urge to open up to somebody and the moment you' ll do so, you'll know that the time and the person is right. Every step you'll take will make you feel better for sure, but you need to be patient.
When you come out to someone, you are making youre of vulnerable. You are opening yours of up to another human, you are taking a risk, you are exposed. When you are vulnerable, when you are showing your true self to another person, you open yourself up to heal emotional wounds. The result can be improved self esteem, improved self worth, higher confidence, and an ability to love yourself. As you take the risk and make yourself vulnerable, one of two things happen, both have positive effects. In the first instance, you may get a favorable response from being vulnerable, and with that favorable response you feel better about yourself. Or, you might get an unfavorable response, but realize your no worse off from such a response and are able to manage any negative reaction. Both outcomes result can result in improved self esteem, improved self worth, higher confidence, and an ability to love yourself. The emotional healing does not happen overnight. It takes time and takes a lot of actions making yourself vulnerable. But, bit by bit, baby step by baby step, it works!
It took 10 months for me to share with someone. And I wish now I had done it far earlier. It felt like a weight had been lifted from me. I still had lots of emotions and feelings to deal with but I had someone I could talk to or text when I needed to. It helped me. I would have gone mad if I hadn't told her. Last weekend, through her support and keeping me company on going to a meetup group I came out to 2 more friends. This morning I am sitting here. Feeling so much better. I have had a great weekend, doing things I haven't done for the best part of a year and I am sure it is because I have opened up and shared. Onthehighway put a bit about being vulnerable. I had never felt like that at all in my life until now. But he is right. You open up and it does make you feel vulnerable but you have to do this to be able to move forward. I have told my friends my deepest thoughts and feelings. I have put my trust into 3 very special friends who have been totally awesome. I feel our friendships have gotten closer, deeper and a lot more solid since I did this. It is so strange Rana. While I am sitting here typing on your thread I think back to a few months ago when I joined this site. I was starting threads just like yours. You will be amazed at how in a short space of time you will begin to feel better. Accept your self for being a lovely person and don't worry about dating and all that. You need time to accept your feelings and get comfortable with yourself. I put a thread on here this week about my experience of a night out... that may help a bit with your dating worries. It really will start to feel better. But stay on here and keep chatting. EC was my lifeline for many months till I told my friend xxx
I know exactly how you feel. I've only told 2 people so far. It is also quite new for me too (since February). I am constantly thinking that I want to tell more people. And then I realize that I'm fearful of actually doing so. I also feel that it is none of their business. I think to myself, "So I like men. It. Is none of your business." I keep going back and forth. I wish I had answers. Just know that you are not the only one struggling with this. **hugs**
Absolutely. It has been quite a few weeks since I last wrote, and reading your post...and everyones replys, the hugs are as we say downunder "fairdinkum". Because yes it really does make a difference... there is a depth one feels on sharing a truth about oneself...that is life enhancing, endorsing...! For me, during a telephone conversation some weeks back (which I wrote about and shared here on EC) to say to a friend 'I'm gay, I have been all my life, and lived life straight all these years..." I was bursting at the seams. I just wanted to hug him, because I knew, I felt deep in side that he my sweet gay friend knew in that moment exactly how I felt. And I he. There is no other way for me to describe it than to say 'I feel gay'.. its deeply personal, its sweetly male, its a hug that somehow only comes when in a gush when telling someone... Feeling attraction to the same...and telling someone of the same sex, it's dare I say better than sex...LOL. Because we get each other, where ever we are on the outing path... Today I was in the city, and found myself observing other men, and, caught myself wondering how would he look naked...omg... went my thought, then pulling myself up, said its ok. For me as a man who happens to find men so very attractive...its normal. Though I did then wonder what someone knew what I thinking...lol. anyway getting a bit off the track. Suffice to say since telling my friend, I have become more open and honest with myself, accepting, internally. At ease with myself when that cute guy comes into view. And at ease. Realising that if I have this 'gay' feeling then thats what other gay feeling men feel.. how wonderful..same same. So yes, telling someone sure worked for me, and by the many accounts and stories here, for so many. And yes, everyone is different, unique. Which brings me to another observation... checking out pics on Istagram, I found one called gaycouplestories, and my reaction...so many sweet guys, couples. Yes at near 60 now and I'm a newby and so pleased I'm not alone... and nor are you... :smilewave:eusa_danc(!)
Yes I definitely think it helped me. Its a big step so it is always going to make you nervous. It takes everyone a different amount of time to get to the point of telling someone so everyone is different. If you feel like you want to then my advice would be to go for it but dont feel like you have to.
Hello all, thank you for the lovely responses, and the kind hugs! I'm totally grateful for you guys.♥♥♥ Soulstone, I definitely hear you regarding not expecting this to solve all emotional problems. I've thought about that quite often actually. Very poignant. SummerSun, Thank you for sharing your journey. It puts things in a more realistic perspective in terms of how much time it takes to truly come out to oneself, etc. I must have realistic expectations and, like you said, be patient. OntheHighway, You hit the nail on the head with the word, "vulnerable." Yes, it's the ultimate vulnerable state to come out to even one person. Other than that, this word accurately describes how I've been feeling almost all the time since I've discovered same sex attraction is a thing for me. I remember the very first day I realized this only 2-3 months ago, and I couldn't understand why I was walking around all day with a "broken-hearted" feeling. I still feel like that a lot of the time, but it's getting better. I think that feeling was just some kind of vulnerability, of knowing my own truth, even though it's only me who knows it. Jackie, I read your thread about going out to your first lesbian meetup. It sounds like freedom to me. I hope I get to that place soon. Keep us posted. You make me smile. TealReality, It's awesome that you've told 2 people! That would be a fantastic step up for me! I know how you feel about the going back and forth...should I tell, not tell. Part of me wants to get drunk and spill the beans to everyone! LOL! Impaired cognition might be just what the doctor ordered for me! ImjustJulien, You've taught me a new word, "fairdinkum." I'll use it proudly and feel like an honorary Aussie. I was totally laughing when you wrote about checking guys out, because I've totally been doing that non-stop with the ladies since I've discovered this side of me. Holy cow!!! It's like I'm a horny teenager (which I've never really felt like, even when I was a teenager). In fact, this whole thing started with me feeling like a sexual bomb had exploded inside me. LOL! Keep writing, you're funny and awesome! ♥ Silverhalo, Thanks for affirming that telling someone made you feel better. I think it will definitely help me too. I'm totally working up to that....getting closer everyday. ♥
That feeling you just described, it took me a few years to figure out I was even feeling it after I embraced my sexuality. It certainly was making myself vulnerable that lead to that feeling. But as I have been trying to identify the real source of it, I think it is actually driven from the release of shame that has been built up inside of me. Vulnerability opened the door, and the shame began to pour out.
Right back to you 1000 times and many more Rana....Fair Dinkum. Welcome to the great southern land downunder. Yep, checking guys out... now it just happens on auto-pilot. I dont push it away. Its nice. Even yesterday I was talking to someone in the city. A man came who he was expecting to call in. They spoke, and yes I checked the guy out, and must say he was really handsome, he returned the look...a lovelly compliment...how delightful. A while back I would have let the thought subside... but not now...it was so nice share that momentary connection. Yes it's a bit as you say and I laugh too. 'Holy Cow' (no slandour intended folks) the sexual bomb as you put it so 'delicately not...lol' really kicks. I'm near sixty, each time it happens, I'm a teenager again.... So go for it Rana, check out those ladies, like a hoeny teenager....a:eusa_danc:smilewave(!)nd yes I will keep writing. Hugs to you.
