Hi, I am a male in a heterosexual relationship for 15 years and have two kids. As a young teenager my male friends and I experimented sexually and often. Never revealing this to anyone. I very much enjoyed these interactions. I indulge in watching straight, bisexual male and female, gay, and trans porn. My wife found my search history on my laptop. I didn't know this when she asked me if I am gay/ bisexual. Then she told me she found my search history and looked at everything. My response was it does excite me and I don't know why but it does. She asked if I was ever with a man or ever cheated on her. While I never cheated, I did experiment as a young teenager but couldn't find the strength to tell her … so I said no to both. Sexually she is rather vanilla in the bedroom. And I don't know how this will affect our relationship. I do miss being with men and often I fantasize about it. Both of us in a bisexual threesome and just myself. I've always been an advocate for the LGBTQ+ community and have helped other friends come out. But, no family or friends know that I am bisexual. If I do come out of this lonely closet, I only want to share this with my wife. I want to share in this side of me with her whole heartedly. I don't know if she will stay with me if I do come out and that would crush me because she is the love of my life. And I don't know if she'll join me in exploring this again or just allow me to by myself. What enlightenment can you all give me? Thank you!
ClosetedBiGuy.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation”, there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
ClosetedBiGuy.....Now that the greeting is done I'll share with you my experience. I'm gay, not bi but had the same problem of whether and/or how to tell my wife. I had been out during my college years but the death of my boyfriend/lover/soulmate devastated me and I turned my back on my sexuality for over 40 years. That lead to increasing depression, self-hate and guilt until I almost made a very bad decision. The people here on Empty Closets saved me from myself on the night of my final crisis and I will be forever thankful for their help. I started seeing a therapist and with his help I came out to my wife about a year and a half after I came out here on EC. The secret that I had kept for so long drove a wedge between us that just kept getting wider. I learned that two people can't stay in a relationship with a secret like that between them. Eventually it will tear the marriage apart. The only way to destroy the power that the secret holds over you is to tell the secret and kill it. If you really do love your wife then continuing to keep that secret will eventually come between the two of you. Of course this is only my opinion...but I've seen it happen too many times. I can't guarantee that if you tell her she will accept you and that your marriage will stay together. It depends so much on the personalities of both of you. But she already suspects from what she saw on your computer and I think that it's only time before she will come to the conclusion that you are gay. Coming out to her as bisexual will allow her to be able to accept that your marriage can still work. Have you considered seeing a therapist? Finding a therapist that works with the LGBTQ family was one of the best choices that I've ever made. He has helped so much and was the biggest reason that I was able to come out to my wife. Communication is one of the most important things in a marriage so I think you should consider that as you think through how to handle this situation. Please keep us updated on how this continues to work out. You are part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! .....David
The vanilla wife in the bedroom can be fixed if you're able to address the issue with her. Most couples don't talk about this stuff when they should, and then suffer with a lackluster sex life. She might be more open to things than you think. In this, and also you coming out to her, it sounds as if you are just lacking some courage. Quebec gave great advice. Just make sure she understand that you haven't cheated, and she is the love of your life. She will definitely need that reassurance, but take heart, there is a positive way forward for you both.
Hi: Welcome to the forum. I noticed you put this right into your introduction and I'm glad I saw it. Your situation is one of the most common LGBT situations in existence, both here and in the general population. You are not alone, if that makes you feel any better. Sexuality is like a set of fingerprints, in my mind. It's different for everyone. After boy or girl teenagers mess around with the same sex, it can go in all different directions for someone after that. It's not possible to predict how your spouse will handle it. You may know if you ask yourself questions and look at her past behavior when difficult things have come up. It may become necessary to get a therapist involved. Your history on your laptop or computer is pretty telling that you have other or additional interests. Some spouses just ask when they just get slightly suspicious? A married friend of mine was asked by his wife after leaving a popular movie that had a gay theme. She was toying and kidding with him based on how he told me the story. You mention vanilla sex. What is this way from the beginning, did it change to vanilla, or are either of you perceiving it this way now or more recently? This must be a lot harder when you love the person. When someone has fallen out of love, people don't seem to get as weighed down and they make adjustments and changes quicker. We want the best for you and everybody involved. That might take some unraveling and time. We're with you.
Welcome to EC. Hope you find your answers here. I’m in same boat as you. I told my wife I was Bi and now she doesn’t know what to do, so she says nothing and won’t talk about it. Time will work this out I’m sure but things are sure uncomfortable at home. I am now feeling really good that I told her and can now be myself. It’s about time.
Maybe suggest a threesome. Tell her your curious and her thoughts and wishes. Married long time myself and looking for a grand adventure! Since I’m curious I’ve decided to try.
What do I want to do??? Now that’s a great question. I want to express myself as a trans person. As much as I would like it to be about sex, it’s not. If I come across someone or someone’s who are interested that’s fine. If not that’s okay too. More than anything I want to be me and not hide it or be shamed by it. Don’t know where my marriage is going but either way I’m good as long as we support each other and take care of each other. If we can’t do that then we need to go our separate ways. It’s not like we have a lot of time to drift around. Wanderlost brings up a good point too. If you don’t talk about your relationship, sex and otherwise, it’s not a good sign for your relationship and eventually you’ll drift apart regardless. For me it’s a choice. It’s always a choice.
