Why do I sometimes have anxiety about my orientation and sometimes I’m fine?

So I’m going through a high anxiety period regarding my sexuality again. This happens almost every month and it’ll last for about a week or so usually and then it’ll go away for a while and I’ll feel fine again. Does anyone else experience this? I’m bisexual and I’m more into women but it’s during these periods of time that I get super worried and scared about being with a woman. I have anxiety in general, (generalized anxiety) and have dealt with it pretty much my whole life even before I knew my sexuality. Usually my anxiety physically manifests as having my fear triggered by something that causes me stress or worry and then I start to feel sick to my stomach and a lump in my throat like I might throw up. Usually not thinking about what makes me anxious will help but I’m really scared that since I worry about being with a woman that when I finally get to be with one in real life I’ll get sick from the anxiety and that I won’t be able to be physically intimate with them. I’m terrified I’ll go to kiss a woman and I won’t be able to enjoy it because I’ll be nauseous. What if I start gagging?! I’m really worried I’ll ruin what is something I truly want more than anything. I’m attracted to men but romantically my attraction is basically entirely to women only and I only want to be with a woman, but what if I can’t be with her sexually? I’ve loved women before and wanted to be with them but unfortunately it never worked out but what if someone finally says yes and I can’t do it? Being repulsed or being straight and unable to be with a woman would be devastating to me but when my anxiety is high these fears just take over. Only like a week ago I was feeling fine. When I feel at peace with my sexuality it’s such a relief and I feel so happy but every time the anxiety comes back and I start doubting all over again. Is this normal? I feel like such a freak and that I’ll never get past this.

 

I have wondered if there is a possible correlation between my period and the anxiety. Sometimes it seems like it lines up with a certain phase of my cycle and other times it doesn’t. I’m currently two weeks out from my period now and I have been known to have pms symptoms this early on occasion. I do sometimes have anxiety spikes before my period. I don’t know if my hormones are totally to blame though because sometimes I’ll have anxiety and I won’t be able to find a correlation to that necessarily. The anxiety symptoms are definitely the same though. When I’m anxious no matter what it’s about I always get nauseous and feel sick. I do worry that because being with a woman can make me feel anxious though that it will impact my ability to be with her. I’m worried I’ll freak out or that I won’t like it. Basically I’m terrified that I’ll be with a woman I really love and then when I want to be with her I won’t be able to do it because of my anxiety and I worry that because of this it means that I’m straight when I don’t want to be. The idea of not being able to be with a woman is very upsetting to me because despite being bi I don’t want to be with a man. I can find them attractive physically but in other senses I’m not attracted and the idea of having to date a man is depressing to me.

 

I’m not quite sure I fully understand these two questions exactly.

I am anxious in general though even thinking about just being affectionate without sex. However, when I’m not anxious I have been turned on thinking about women. I had a ex gf that was a purely online relationship (long story) and we used to sext and do things and I would get turned on by her. I also have experienced desire for other women. Normally what I fantasize about is going down on a woman because that sounds really appealing. Weirdly enough what makes me anxious is kissing. I have never kissed anyone I might add so I’m sure this is a big part of that.

 

I guess what it really comes down to is that when I think about being in love and happy I think about being with a woman. When I watch romantic relationships between women on tv I feel jealous and I want what they have. I want to know what it’s like to have a woman love me.

 

I do experience anxiety from other things but I really do feel the most anxiety when it comes to my orientation and trying to figure out what it is and how I feel because most of the time I’m incredibly confused.

 

Most recently I have experienced attraction to a friend I have who I have a crush on. She’s very beautiful and I have definitely fantasized about kissing her and doing other things. I don’t think I’d be uncomfortable doing these things with her because I trust her and for some reason I’m not afraid when I think about her the way I feel other times.

 

I definitely have experienced sexual and romantic feelings for women. The thing I probably fantasize about most is oral sex with women giving and receiving. I definitely have been attracted to women in real life as well. In general I get very flustered around anyone I like and I alternate between clamming up and not knowing what to say or talking way too much and nervously because my heart is racing and my stomach is in knots.

 

I think a big source of my confusion is that my sexual arousal and my anxiety can occur simultaneously. Not always but sometimes. I can want to be with a woman and be attracted to her but I also feel intensely nervous about it at the same time.

 

I really appreciate your take on this! Honestly having an outside person who can see this more objectively is tremendously helpful. I do tend to be afraid of things that are new so it would make sense if that’s what’s going on here. As for men, that’s pretty easy for me to articulate. Physically speaking I find men attractive pretty much entirely based on their appearance. I fantasize about kissing men and aesthetically I think some of them are very pretty but in terms of dating or being with one I’m not interested otherwise. This is embarrassing sounding probably but I basically only fantasize about fictional men for the most part. So I’ll crush on like an actor from a tv show. I don’t have interest in being with a dude though in real life. This sounds mean but I find the majority of men incredibly boring and I don’t enjoy their company for the most part.

 

I don’t think you are lol.

 

Thank you so much for the response. It’s really nice to hear from someone that also has anxiety as well! Can I ask what your orientation is? I wonder also if it’s a possibly that in addition to my anxiety maybe I just have fluctuations in my attractions (the famous “bi-cycle”) and that is what contributes to my confusion too. My sexuality is fairly fluid so I think maybe that doesn’t help matters.