Why do I sabotage my search for a real guy?

Cool Bananas : My wife doesn’t have a problem talking to gay folks, we were both members of amateur theatre groups and so came across many gay folks, and I think she prefers the more camp guys rather like Bryan in the TV SitCom “The New Normal”, I ‘m more of a David.

Yes makes sense not for her to talk to someone who I have a sexual interest in. She has now finally applied for therapy for a number of issues so I hope the therapist can offer her advice on our situation. It would be helpful for her to confide in some of her friends but of course as Skiff says it would mean revealing the “awful truth”.

 

Hi Greatwhale

Point 1: The strange thing is before I read Joe Kort’s book it never occurred to me that I might have an idea of what sort of guy I would prefer, I thought I would just meet guys until I found someone I liked. At the end of the day attraction & love is just a bunch of electrical impulses in 1 grey soggy brain behind one set of eyes falling for impulses in another brain behind another set of eyes. What’s important I guess is what sets the impulses firing in the first place and not necessarily the external wrapping of the brain.

I have stumbled into gay sub culture and spend time fascinated by the different categories Twinks, EMOs, Cubs, Chubs, Bears, Otters, Wolfs, Queens, Leather Men, Silver Fox, I had no idea it was so involved and don’t really know where exactly to place myself if I wanted to put a label on me. The closest guess would be a non-hairy Otter.

I am thinking my curiosity in researching all the sub culture is just my mind making up excuses for not going out into the real world and meeting guys, I think psychologists call this displacement activity. This was brought home to me on Saturday when I found myself alone in a coffee shop looking at another guy also sitting alone facing me at the next table who I am 99.99% sure was a local guy I have occasionally been chatting to on a dating site but I did not pluck up the courage to talk to him. I had reached for my phone to check the guy’s profile photo matched the guy in front of me and by the time the slow café Internet had brought up his photo he had rushed off after drinking his hot coffee in record time.

Point 2: Don’t know how to answer this. I can see what you’re getting at about it being better to reveal accomplishments and not intentions i.e. a man is defined by his actions not his words, but can’t relate that to being shy in leaving tracks on other guys profiles on dating sites.

Skiff : I don’t know what’s going on in my wife’s head, she is certainly an expert at blowing irrelevant and unimportant things up out of all proportions whilst ignoring the blindingly obvious and most important. She is very insecure, often has a childlike mentality, and not helped by being overweight and having body image issues. I am hoping that her meeting with a therapist will sort things out a bit and bring some perspective to her life, but she will probably have to wait 3 months before she gets an appointment.

CoolBananas: I’m sure the dynamic will change once everyone knows, but which way I have no idea.

On a general point we have spent more time this weekend discussing gay people partly triggered by this cute gay couple on the table next to us in a restaurant holding hands and openly, and very noisily, kissing on the lips. This was followed later in the weekend by my wife asking me if this actor was gay, I had no idea but showed her a list of gay and presumed gay actors on the web which turned out to be an eye opener for her and prompted discussion.


SaleGayGuy


P.S. Congratulations greatwhale :eusa_clap on getting past 2k postings, how do you find the time?