I wrote a damned long text, but I think you can express the whole in two concepts : Emotional blackmail and control. Love can be used as a tool to turn you into a dependent kid. The effects of the wrong sttyle of parenting can truly ruin your life unless you become aware of it, and take the control back. Also families that canbe described 'as a pack' work because its members assume a role and stick to it. Depending on your role, you'll face rejection when trying to change your position. They are just trying to protect the order, the status quo. It can be hard to get out of it, you might need therapy and personal work, the amount depends on the kind of role you used to have and how emotionally dependent of them you might be. The reward is to finally become an adult, which means on this context not to feel hurt when your family rejects you because of your true self. To accept their opinion... And specially to be able to forgive them (foryour own good) and to carry on with your life. I have heard a story very similar to yours. It had a happy end. Just drop the bomb to everyone at the same time, put some distance and look for professional help to go through this. I know it's easier said than done, but this is what I think. Otherwise you'll stay being just another actor for their benefit.
I too was scared to death what my folks would say/think of me. But I decided I had to tell them. I made it my goal to come out to as many people that would listen this year. Of the two of my parents I told my dad first. He and I just reconnected this year in January. Things had been going great and I wasn't sure if my coming out would put him off and he would stop talking to me or if he would be accepting. He lives in Hawaii and there is a big time difference. So when I worked up the courage to tell him it was pretty late for me.. around 6pm for him. I texted him. We chatted for a while then he told me he was going to a BBQ and would talk to me later. I felt like I had to tell him then and there or I might never. Consequences be damned. So I told him. It felt like aged until he texted back. It had only been a few minutes in actuality. He said, "Cool! I wish I was. It would double my odds of finding someone! I love you no matter what. And I'm so glad you shared that with me." I was so relieved and happy! Nothing is at all weird with us today. But I really had NO clue how he would handle it. My mom was actually the last person to find out before I send a post on facebook to all my friends that I was bi. I told her at McDonalds. We often sit and drink tea and talk for hours there. We are very close. I was scared outta my mind! My mother is a JW and I thought she would be upset because her religion teaches that lgbt people are sick and shouldn't indulge in their 'sickness' if they want to be in good standing with god. So I was unsure how she would react. I finally was able to speak after letting her do all the talking for an hour. Here's what I said, "Mom, you know how you told me not too long ago that you could never be disappointed in me? Well, I have something to tell you and I hope what you said will still be true. I'm..... Bi." THe first thing she asked was, "how do you know?" I told her I knew I was bi like she knew she was straight. That made sense to her. Then I asked after some silence, "Do you think I'm sick?" She said, "No. I don't think you have a choice in the matter. I think you are either born straight or some other way. And I'm not disappointed in you. You'll have to do much better than that!" We both laughed and she told me she loved me no matter what. It's been a couple of weeks since I've told her. She doesn't bring it up but I do, here and there. She is still coming to terms with it and tells me she loves me every time we talk. I've had 30 years to come to terms with this. So I'm letting her deal with the news on her own time and in her own way. I guess I'm sharing all this with you so that you know that even though you are scared things could so work out the way you want them to. And believe me, I LIVE for my mom. To this day what she thinks matters a great deal to me. Ultimately, I think this will bring us closer. I learned that I didn't give either my mom or dad enough credit. I hope my coming out story with my parents helps you. There is light at the end of the coming-out-to-your-parents tunnel. I wish you all the best!!!
Yes and no. Obviously, my dad was shocked. My mom just took it as it was. I pretty much blurted it out. My dad sort of just stared at me, my mom just smiled. Apparently she wondered about me for a while. Then my dad talked about all the girls I've dated and obviously had sex with. My mother pretty much took over at that point and told him to just get over it. Before I left we did the normal high five (it's our thing) he squeezed my hand and just told me to be careful out there. That's as demonstrative as me and my dad get with each other so it's pretty much a hug, lol.
What is it with US culture and internalized homophobia not allowing men to express love in PDA's? Other cultures do it. We love seeing heroism based in love but everyday expressions of it... High five only.
If my father and I don't hug and get all gushy with each other it's because that's how we are. its our thing, not something you need to demean as "internalized homophobia." I just shocked the crap out of him! Give him a break, captain negative! In your imaginary world no one must care about anything, just accept everything with a smile and a "yippee."
I am so so happy for you!!! Isn't it the best feeling in the world to know you can be yourself now!? Heck! I almost wish I could come out to my folks again! Just because of how amazing I felt after telling them! Lol you did the right thing. And that took major guts. I am so thrilled for you!!! (!)
Thanks everyone who's been positive on here. This forum has helped a lot when I just needed to blurt out things I didn't want to blurt out in life. And the negative people need to learn that their opinions sometimes are better left unsaid. Insult my family, not cool. The negativity is so palpable to someone who's dealing with their own internal struggles.
I didn't read Skiff's response as trying to insult your family, but rather expressing that society causes us to conform to certain standards/behaviors that we often don't notice-especially in our own lives/families. What ever your version of a hug is with your dad, I'm glad it happened.
Americans get a continual dose of John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Sly Stallone, Duane the Rock, etc etc, telling us that we are "pussies" if we ever display affection publicly towards other men. It is part of the institutionalized dogma of our society, reenforced by the media machine that bangs away at us 24/7, telling how we are supposed to feel, supposed to act, and supposed to BUY in particular. This is why kids are conditioned to act macho, taunt other kids instead of defending the different ones (us), and not display affection, which has been equated to weakness and lack of virility to stand alone, as the macho man who is ready to take on the new frontiers and conquer whatever lies out there, as long as he is smoking the right cigarette, wearing the right clothes, driving the right car or motorcycle, and banging the sexiest girls in the vicinity. Cigarettes cause cancer, styles subject to change, your mileage may vary, sold only for protection from disease, your credit history may determine the actual interest rate and terms (not available in NYC or anywhere else) Straights won't buy Mustangs if they see gays advertised driving them. Try to buy a Subaru in the PNW. You can't; the lesbians bought them all; the straight girls bought Miatas with automatics. Image, image, image. Wait until the elections and the Koch brothers money hits the airwaves, trying to cover up the stink of the Republican haters. But I digress. When was the last time you saw John Wayne kissing Ronald Reagan? Not gonna happen, Baby, not going to happen, because it never did, and isn't likely to at a mainstream theater near you today. Give George C Scott a few points for kissing the forehead of the wounded soldier in "Patton"; it was in the script.
