Okay, to start this off I want to explain a few things. Up until a few weeks ago I was with my best friend romantically, it kind of happened after we got drunk at a party and we ended up kissing and getting together. We stayed with it for like two months and it was great. I don't know if I was in love with him but he's sure messed my head up. We drifted apart and we broke things off. Two nights ago I decided to confront him and explain that I loved him and I couldn't deal with things without him. He responded by telling me that he was straight and that I was the only boy he could've been with but now he can't. It's messed me up pretty badly. I don't understand how a straight person can do "stuff" with another guy. I feel like I was just his plaything to experiment with. It's horrible. Being an idiot, I told him we can go back to being best friends. I know that we should just stop talking but I need him in my life. He's been in it for four years and he does genuinely care about me. Another idiotic thing I did was last night. I got really drunk with a few friends and ended up kissing one of my guy friends several times. I then cuddled up with him and told him he reminded me of my ex. I don't think he even knew I was bi. I just wanna know, was I his plaything? And how the heck can I get over him? I don't want to be kissing and messing around with a bunch of other people just to fill the gap he's left.
As I read this part of your posting, I felt a little confused. Initially you doubted whether it was love you felt for him, but then you decided to confront him and explain that you do indeed love him. So I'm wondering, is it really love you feel for him (the kind of love you'd experience in a relationship) or do you think you are responding to the mixed up emotions and hurt feelings he has left you with? I don't think it's idiotic to go back to being best friends (many people do), but you will need to deal with any tension this has left between the two of you. While you are still hurting over this situation the tension will remain. It will do no good to think in terms of being a 'plaything'. If you allow that line of thinking to develop you will not come to terms with what happened. It's important to understand that some people do experiment sexually at different stages of life, including gay men who have straight experiences. It's rarely done with the intention of hurting or damaging the other person and your friend could certainly have led you on for much longer, allowing you to believe there was something more significant between the two of you. I'm sure that would have been much more painful. I know this will be of little comfort to you right now, but you readily admit that he does genuinely care about you.. as a friend. Try to recognise and appreciate the special bond you've built up over the past four years and value what you do have. You might need to work at reconciling your feelings, but if you can manage it there is still a future for the two of you as friends. All is not lost.
