So I finally had an hour or so alone with my wife. No kids around, and I thought, this is the time to come out to her. But it never happened. I listened to her babble on excitedly about new accessories for the pool, a fundraiser she was involved with, her schedule for work during the school year and so one, with barely a breath. And there I sat, running through scripts in my head of how to bring up the subject, all the while getting closer and closer to a full-blown panic attack. In the end I had to leave to pick up one of the kids, and once again, I let an opportunity slip by. It's not like I am afraid of being out. I have told people at work--one by accident, really, because it actually slipped my mind that she didn't know. I spoke with my daughter's flamboyant gymnastics coach today and rose so completely to his level of fabulous so effortlessly that he could have referred to me as "girlfriend" without it seeming the least bit awkward. I've slipped a couple times with my older daughter (referring to someone's dad as being "REALLY hot"), and actually have stopped myself because I didn't want her to have to keep a secret from her mother. So why, why, why is it so impossible for me to tell my wife? I suppose, really, I know. She is the one I have invested the most energy in hiding my homosexuality from. She is the one who has used the mere suggestion that I was gay as a criticism, and a weapon. She saw the opening and ran with it, and I have let it happen for years. So what do I do? How do I tell her? Do I just send her an email from work some day? Wait for myself to slip up? It's not like I haven't come close. That would certainly force the issue, but there's no guarantee when that might actually happen. I saw a therapist years ago when I was frustrated with things that were going with her, but at the time I couldn't even whisper to the therapist "I think I might be gay". That's all changed now, but our relationship really hasn't. I so understand teenagers who are petrified about coming out to their parents. I can think of no one in my life, not even my ultra-conservative judgmental brother, who makes me feel so paralyzed. It makes me feel so frustrated with myself. How do I do this?
I know almost exactly how you feel. So close, and yet every time you think that you're ready... :bang::bang::bang: It's been a little over 2 weeks now since I came out to my wife. It took me a couple of months on here to finally do it, and even then I ended up having to send her an e-mail to be able to get it out. I knew that I couldn't do it from work, because I'd be a nervous wreck and there's no way that everyone there wouldn't know that something was going on. In the end, I chose a time where I knew that she was alone, and had access to her e-mail. I left to go to the store, and while I was there in the parking lot, I sent her the e-mail, texted her to check her e-mail, then proceeded to have a panic attack while I waited for her reply. Things have been ok since then. Not bad; not great. Some days are better than others. We decided pretty quickly that a divorce was needed and we've been moving forward with that, but there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. I don't think that there is a RIGHT way or a WRONG way to do this. It's something that HAS to be done though. For you. For her. For your family. Wishing you the best of luck!
