Seriously I just want my clothes to fit and for people to stop calling me "ma'am" like 500 times a day is that so much to ask for?? And I mean I feel so stupid, it's such a stupid thing to get hung up on and it feels really trivial, but I can't help it. My anxiety keeps flaring up at the worst times and I can't seem to get a handle on it anymore. And forget going out in public, it's always such a mood killer, it doesn't matter what I'm doing or where I'm going. As soon as I open my mouth I want to shoot myself in the face. I can be out with the guys and I might be fine for a while and then I just start thinking about how futile it all is, to them I'm just "the girl". It doesn't matter how well we get along, I still don't fit in, not with them or my female friends. I don't fit in anywhere. I don't belong anywhere. And if I could just accept myself the way I am, wear the right clothes, act the right way, I wouldn't have this problem at all. I just want my shirts to fit. They're all so long, I look ridiculous...can't even fucking dress myself...I just want to be even a little bit attractive, and I feel so stupid and vain...like I've got bigger problems and this is my first concern, really...
This may not be much, but an XL in the boys' (not mens) section fits very well for me, and some websites and stores have XS sizes in men and young men if you look hard enough! Good luck, try to keep a smile
Hi, I thought you didn't aim for transition? That you still had doubts? Anyway, the right size or having the clothes tailored for you may help a bit. But I am sure your friends don't see it as a big problem *hug*
I think I'll always have doubts. I doubt everything. I'm an excellent doubter. I don't know, I still wish I had the opportunity. Right now it feels like something that's never going to come up, and my body is something that's really uncomfortable for me. Always has been, and the more time goes by, the more uncomfortable it feels. I don't know, I don't know if transition will help, but I've been hoping it will. I know that binding helps, so I imagine top surgery would help immensely. That much, for me, is a goal. A far away, likely not to happen goal. I don't know I just have no self confidence and it's really hitting me hard right now for some reason. I appologise for being whiny.
Don't apologize for being whiny. What a lot of people don't understand is that dysphoria is a constant, gnawing pain. It's like having a cheese grater cutting on your thoughts all day. We can try to ignore it, but some days are harder to do that than others. The way you're feeling is normal, and many if not most trans* people can empathize. The negative feelings getting worse with time is normal too. You're probably going to need to fortify your coping skills somehow. Don't consider it trivial. A sense of identity is something intrinsic to our beings, and a TON of people take it for granted that they have never had those kind of issues. The ma'ams and shes are rough. I feel you there. Every time someone says it, my hopes for the future, if anyone will ever see me how I see myself crash and the negative self-talk starts going. It sucks that with a simple three letter word I can go from alright to having suicidal thoughts. When it hits you hard, you have to talk to other people and let them in on what you're experiencing. You did well reaching out here. You're not alone, buddy. Stay strong.
