Why am I uncomfortable with my boyfriend's sexuality?

I apologize for the long post. But I haven't seen anyone post about this specific topic yet (or I just didn't dig deep enough into this website). And I wanted to be detailed so no one gets confused or mislead about my point of view.

I've been talking to this guy for two years online, we liked each other from the beginning (he started talking to me as way to help overcome my anxiety from another guy I liked playing with my emotions), and eventually started liking each other, talking every single day (for the past two years) and recently started making plans to visit each other because now we love each other a lot (and are still currently in the process of planning the visit). He just recently (a few months ago) asked if I wanted to make the relationship official and I said yes (because we both discussed how we've been single for 5+ years and will most likely not be dating anyone in either of our areas).

So now he's my boyfriend and recently he revealed to me that he used to get oral from a friend of his (who's a girl) years ago regularly. It made me sick to my stomach when I found out, because he told me from the beginning that he's gay, not bi or bi-curious. However in the beginning he did mention dating a girl before he knew he liked guys and that he even used to have sex dreams about girls (it was stupid of me to not connect the dots). He said the furthest they'd go would be making out for a long time and when he told me that I was okay with it because he said he was gay (assuming he had no attraction to women) so I figured it was nothing. However he said he really enjoyed making out with her which left me a little uncomfortable but I brushed it off because he told me confidently he's gay and wants to be in a relationship with a guy, not mentioning any sexual attraction to women (despite the sex dreams and happily making out)

So anyway, he told me maybe a month or two ago about getting oral from a friend of his who's a girl and yeah it made me so uncomfortable that I got really bad anxiety. And then he revealed to me for the first time after two years he actually does experience sexual attraction to women as he does both sexes. I asked what he was attracted to and basically said he sexually attracted everything about girls. It made me sad because I'll admit I wish he was only attracted to men so I wouldn't feel like I can't provide what he gets from a woman's appearance.

I think that honestly I was in shock only because it's been two years knowing him to be "gay" but now I have to think of him as "bi" and yeah I know they're just labels, sexuality is fluid but for some reason it still bothers me even months after finding out. I mentally accept his sexual attraction to girls but emotionally it's hard and I get really anxious thinking about it.

I know that as a gay man I can't understand what it's like to be sexually attracted to women because I have had that phase of denying I was gay and trying to date girls. It didn't work I couldn't get myself to be attracted to them. I'm most likely a 6 on the Kinsey scale.

Anyway I understand that I'll never understand what it's like to be bisexual or experience sexual attraction to a woman which made me even more anxious trying to understand why my boyfriend experiences this. I'm sorry if any of this comes off as biphobic/misogynistic. I don't want any bisexual person or woman to feel offended, especially my boyfriend. And I've told him this and he seems to be understanding.

Also my boyfriend tells me he doesn't wanna consider himself bisexual, yet he tells me he likes to watch straight porn, and no not for just the men, he says he likes to watch women receive and give oral. So now I know he experiences sexual attraction to vaginas as well as the female body/image. And I don't know why it's hard for me to accept. I love him no matter what but it's gotten to the point where thinking about straight sex, especially women having sex doesn't just disinterest me like it normally would, it makes me anxious/nauseous. And I'm sure it's pretty misogynistic of me to feel anxiety toward women being sexual people but I'm trying so hard everyday to not think that way. It just really makes me anxious thinking about how my boyfriend enjoys watching a man and woman perform sex acts on each other. Rather than man on man (because at least I could provide that experience for him in the future)

I've tried to look at my feelings from a different point of view (imagining someone else telling me what I'm saying) and I immediately knew that I'd think they were crazy and being overdramatic. And yet I can't stop myself from feeling this way. :eusa_doh:

I'd like to know if anyone has experienced something similar to this specific situation (anxiety towards their boyfriend/girlfriend/partner's sexual attraction to a gender they don't experience sexual attraction towards) or has some useful advice on how to get over the fear of thinking about my boyfriend enjoying straight porn/women being sexually pleasured.

And again I'm really sorry if any of this comes off as ridiculously over the top, misogynistic, biphobic, or offensive in any other way. I'm just trying to cope, accept, and move on from this current issue I'm trying to deal with. I apologize for anything offensive.

 

Thank you for your advice! I do feel there are many factors playing into my anxiety. But for some reason the fact that I know he is sexually attracted to at least the image of a vagina is what I'm stuck on. I've been discussing this with many of my friends who are also bi or gay. My bi friends were trying to be understanding but admitted they felt a little offended by what I felt, which I understand. But also they're bi girls and I'm a gay guy so I feel the experience of gender and sexuality together are different from each other.

But I actually did get around to talking to my boyfriend and admitted to him how uncomfortable I felt about it the last month. He's very understanding and only felt upset that I was feeling upset. I was also trying to be respectful but was really eager to find out what exactly he's interested in with women. After a very long discussion from about 11pm to 4am what his sexuality came down to was that he is attracted to male or female but leaning more towards men (I asked how he would define it in percentages he said 70% for men 30% for women). But what confused me was he said he would definitely prefer vaginas than anus. He said he has a fear he would enjoy vaginal sex more than anal sex because he thinks they look like they feel better and there's less risk for STDs. Which kind of hurt me because now I feel like he wouldn't want to have sex with me or would be less excited than if I had a vagina. I understand sexuality is fluid and stuff but I've been really confused ever since our conversation. I still love him and wanna be with him long term. But his top attractions were male physical appearance (more feminine males) and vaginas. Which confuses me still today...

I then asked if he was attracted to trans men with vaginas. And he admitted to becoming very aroused to watching trans men porn (assuming because of the male physical appearance and the vagina on one body) I wasn't too upset but more confused and surprised. I haven't done too much research on sexual fluidity but I've never heard of a guy who considers himself gay but prefers a vagina for sexual stimulation

Lastly I was more accepting of his attraction to vaginas since he told me he wouldn't feel the need to have sex with a vagina if he was with me which was comforting. Yet this uneasy feeling still remains about why he prefers vaginas over an anus. I don't have a vagina so it makes me sad that he has a top choice for vaginas but will have to settle for an anus for having sex with. It leads me to question our future: will he be unsatisfied with anal sex and have an urge for vaginal sex? Will I have to give him the okay to have sex with someone who has a vagina so he can feel satisfied in our relationship? I'm positive he won't cheat because he's faithful when it comes to that. I'm not worried at all of him leaving me for a woman especially after our talk but I just fear the day he tells me or implies that he's not satisfied with anal penetration and would ask if I was okay with him seeking out vaginal sex.

Something that still lingers in my mind was when he said his gay porn to straight porn ratio was like 1:30 but I tried to ask why just one day out of the month why his urge to watch vaginal stimulation was much stronger than gay sex. He said he didn't know. I wasn't mad that he didn't know I was just scared. Because of the future, will he know why one day he'd rather have vaginal sex rather than anal sex with a man? No and it makes me a little uncomfortable. But I'm still working on letting that be of less concern to me.

 

i haven't heard of the term aside, but i'm pretty confident my boyfriend doesn't view gay anal sex that way. I don't remember if i mentioned he does lean towards men so i feel it'd be hard for him to feel that way. He tells me all the time he wants to have anal sex with me so i'm sure he doesn't think he won't feel pleasure. I think he's comfortable with his masculinity as well.

Although he's told me before about past experiences where he's given anal sex to another guy and he found it really uncomfortable and painful on his end.

I've been talking to him more and more about how uncomfortable I've been feeling about only recently learning about his sexual attraction towards girls and I will admit it is bothering me less and less everyday seeing as how I am trying to accept it. The problem is that it's still there. And i explained in another thread how he told me the types of people he finds attractive where he used celebrities to explain his type and I couldn't help but feel jealous and start hating those celebrities :icon_sad: :eusa_doh:

So I'm still positive most of this problem stems from my way of thinking and feeling. I know I'm very jealous and insecure at this point. But would I be wrong to be mad at him for not telling me sooner? I do sympathize and understand his reasoning for not telling me in the beginning (because he was afraid I wouldn't be interested in him anymore) but I feel very positive that it would've been a lot easier to accept his sexual orientation if i had known about it before developing these deep feelings and trust for him. I'm still unable to decide whether thats wrong of me to feel or not. :icon_sad:

 

yeah i understand its confusing (because I'm still a little confused) but i think when my fear is he doesn't like anal I just can't prove it, but it's how i feel a little bit. But he still does say to me he really wants to do it with me.

And yeah I really agree therapy would be helpful I just find it harder for me personally when I don't have anyone in my life that supports me going to therapy (aka my family, they think I don't need it and they don't believe in medication for mental illnesses! Typical religious families :icon_sad: )

I think what is helping me is trying to talk to him everyday. Also coming here for thoughts and opinions to help me decide on what's right for me

 

I guess I want to point out also, for anyone reading this thread, most of my hang up now that I've had some time to assess my feelings and emotions would be

Does anyone have any advice on how a person might get over jealousy in a relationship?

I've been talking to my boyfriend a lot about his sexual attraction women and he understands my discomfort with the idea of him having vaginal sex. Although I told him I love him and wouldn't want him to never have that lack of an experience eat at him for the rest of his life (since we plan to stay together long-term)

So I'm currently having a conversation with him about my terms on how I'd want his heterosexual sexual encounter to go. I told him I'd wanna know who she is and what they do and when they're going to do it. And he's fine with all of that.

I also asked if he would have the same feelings if I were also bisexual and wanting to have vaginal sex, and he said yeah he'd pretty much feel the same thing I feel. So I felt better knowing I'm not overreacting in his point of view. However I still won't restrict him from seeking out sex with a cis woman just for experience. solely for knowing how he'll feel about it afterward. Which he agreed to tell me about 100% honestly.

So now that we have that information established (on top of how I'm pretty secure now knowing in my heart he's never gonna leave me for another woman, it would more likely be another man but i'm not worried about that either to be honest)

Does anyone have any advice, suggestions, opinions on my situation?
I'm mostly looking for advice/suggestions on how to cope, accept all of this fully. Or as much as I'll ever be able to.