Why am I such a coward to come out?

hmm sounds like a pickle i dont know how to respond to this but i wish you luck

 

Hi Tomthumb2, thanks for sharing!
It's really tough pretending to be someone you're not, and it's obviously taking a big toll on both yourself and your wife.
I don't think you should label yourself as coward. I'm sure there are reasons preventing you from coming out, and keeping this secret is serving a purpose for you right now. I don't know what that may be, and maybe you don't know either, at least consciously.

I think maybe you need to take some time for yourself, and get to know yourself a little better. You already know you are gay, and that's a huge step!! The next thing you should ask yourself is why you're not sharing this knowledge with your wife. What are you afraid of? Be as honest as possible with yourself. I know that for me, it really helps if I write things down. I find much better clarity this way. Do what works for you.
Try to come up with as many reasons as you can why you're not telling her. After doing that, try to sit down with each reason and find a way to overcome this fear. For instance, if you're good friends -- are you afraid of losing that friendship? What can you do to keep this friendship after telling her? And so on.

Also ask yourself how this secret is affecting her. As hard as it is for you, it must not be easy on her either. Sexual intimacy is one aspect of married life, but it also affects others for sure. You both deserve to be happy, and have your needs met in a relationship, sexually, emotionally, mentally.

I'm not telling you what to do of course. But the way you're presenting the situation feels like you're about to explode. I think you should take a step back before that happens, so that when you decide to tell her it's after you thought it well through, did some research on how best to approach the situation, know what you want to happen after you tell her, and be available to support her in case she needs it. It's better to come to these situations prepared than to just blurt it out. This is how all parties get hurt...

Wishing you the best of luck, and we're all here for you!

 

It's not a pleasant experience, SPEAKING from experience, but it's the only way to get the ball rolling. My wife has gone from claiming she always suspected I was gay to saying it was a complete shock, so I have no idea what the truth really is. I had worked up a sort of script in my head of all the major points I wanted to cover when I told her, and then kept trying to find the right time (and failing). It took a very emotional blowup with our daughter, with the two of us fighting over how to handle her outburst, that suddenly made me think, "We're fighting and miserable anyhow, so why not just do it?" So I did.

We'd been functioning as uncomfortable roommates for years anyhow, and I was coming to realize just how little I really got out of the marriage, and I finally reached the point of thinking that the risk and potential unhappiness of coming out outweighed the definite unhappiness of staying in the closet.

It took me almost a year between coming out to my first person, to actually telling her. You do it when you're ready to do it. But if you're looking for the "right time", I can tell you that there is no good time. Sooner or later you have to stop sticking toes into the whole pool and just dive in and let out a big yell of "DAMN, THAT'S COLD!!!!". At some point the secret will come out, particularly if you're periodically having sex with guys, and it will go much easier if you're in control of the information she gets and the rate at which she gets it. I was able to say quite honestly that I had never had a guy on the side, which lessened my anxiety somewhat, but she only marginally believed that anyhow. Since then we've had progress of one kind or another over 14 months, and we're finally working towards something of an end to our marriage.

You're clearly stressed and miserable about this. Telling her will be like ripping off a very large band-aid and it will hurt, guaranteed, but right now, you're not even pulling it off slowly, just feeling miserable that it's so uncomfortable and occasionally tugging at the ends. The only way to get where you want to be is to tell her.

Best of luck to you. Many of us have gone through it and come through alive and much happier once the dust settles. Good luck.

 

I'll second what Choirboy said. You can't plan it. There's no right time. Even if you do, things will go the way they go once the stuff hits the fan.

 

We are here for you tomthumb2! You're not alone! Hugs

 

Hi tomthumb2, I can totally empathise with you. I was in your situation up until a year ago. For many years I avoided being intimate with my husband but gave in to keep the peace. Then a year ago I fell head over heels for a woman ( that's another story but it made me realise why I avoided my husband all these years). Nothing happened with this woman although I am still struggling with my feelings for her. But, ever since I fell for her I have not been able to let my husband touch me. The last time he made advances a year ago I was so cold to him he said you would think I was about to be murdered and he hasn't tried again since. Nothing has been discussed and many times I wonder if he knows and is too afraid to face it. I too have called myself a coward for not being honest with him. He has said before he doesn't want to lose me and it wuld break him if we split. We are in our 50s.

I think one day I will face him but I'm not ready yet. He seems willing to carry on as housemates, though not happy ones. This isn't a relationship, it's an existence. I so miss the emotional connection with another human being, and it just so happens I want that person to be a woman.

You do sound a bit frantic just now and have been given good advice not to do anything rash. Wait until you are in a better place within yourself so you will cope better. This is not a race. I too was told on here to just breathe. Best advice ever. No one else knows your thoughts. I too was once frantic but I now accept I will deal with this at my own pace. I could never be with my husband again so maybe that will be the deciding factor, if he brings up the subject. Although to go this long and not mention it is so bizarre. Sometimes I think we will dance around each other until one of us cracks. Something to look forward to...

Take care. You will get a lot of support on here. There are a few of us in the same boat (*hug*)

 

Hi,

If it helps I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.

BEEN THERE DONE THAT.

Strange about the oral sex. I NEVER allowed her to do that. It was too close to home so to peak. It was the only part of my sexuality I preserved and protected.

Thanks for sharing.

I was in Calgary once. You could watch your dog run away for a week and see it stop to pee on the Canaduan Rockies. ;-)

Tom

 

invite me to that drink, I'll sit in between you to, and hit on you both

Yeah, my therapist told me that to, just breathe. She reminded me last Tuesday when my bae went into crisis mode, and I couldn't stand the thought of him alone and in crisis. Every few minutes it seemed like, world crashing in, remember, breathe. It helped quite a lot.

 

Its OK ! calm down take a deep breath and realx a little I feel your pain I too have part of that problem I am able to get it up but I have to think about other things and not her or all goes wrong . I don't know what to do either she would be devastated if she knew . I am so sorry that you are having so much trouble . I am here if you ever need to talk ,I wish you all the best of luck

 

I have found two friends who have supported me and I am making progress on transforming how I think of coming out. It's all about courage to be yourself in the face of your own fears.take heart, it will happen. In its time.

 

It may seem as though you're getting the opposite advice here--slow down and breathe, vs. "just do it". Really both are correct. It's going to be a hard discussion whenever it happens and there's no easy way to lead into it. But it's also something that you have to be ready for. I won't say "at peace" with the decision, because I know I felt like I had a stomach full of piranhas juggling flaming chainsaws for weeks before I told my wife. Peace is the last thing you're feeling now, or will be when you do it.

You will tell her when you decide in your mind and heart is that this is the right thing to do--really the ONLY thing to do--and truly believe that there's no option but to move forward. Once you reach that point, you'll find that NOT telling her bothers you more than the fears of the fallout FROM telling her. But reaching that point isn't something you can pressure yourself into. At least not consciously - your brain is probably working overtime awake and asleep to try and map out the route that will get you out of this maze. So as people have said, breathe, and give yourself a break. Think about what you may want to say and how you want to say it, but don't set timeframes for yourself and then beat yourself up for not meeting them. God knows I did that for months and it didn't help anything, just made me more stressed and miserable than I already was. When you reach the point where you absolutely HAVE to tell her, you'll know it. And then you'll tell her, because you feel you can't put it off any longer. But pressuring yourself and beating yourself up won't get you there any faster.

So step back, breathe and give yourself a break. When the right time comes, you'll know it. And you'll have quite a story to tell us! Good luck.

 

Exactly that. I've lived a life without courage, guided by fears towards the path of least resistance.


"juggling flaming chainsaws" I just used that example this morning in therapy. That's why I had to separate, the chainsaws were coming dangerously close to causing me to implode.

The final straw for me was my 18 yo gay guy friend had a crisis, and that put me into crisis. I couldn't stop from helping him, he got kicked out of his house, and he means the world to me at the moment (mostly being the 1st person I've ever been open and honest with about my internal state.) I put him up in a hotel, and next day told my wife, the pressure of keeping the divorce I'd been planning a secret just popped.

 

Tomthumb2... I am not really in a position to give advice right now...I got luck and didn't have to tell my wife...she told me and has actually encouraged me to find out who I am. She in her 20s had the same issue and explored women. Now she says she doesn't want women and hasn't for years.

I don't believe the stigma of being gay bothers me so much as what other guy guys are looking for. . yes I have searched the dating sites and am amazed at what mist if these guys are looking for. I am not saying lower your standards...but have an open mind.

Personally I am. Attracted to guys my age and younger. But older is ok by I think maybe no more than 5 years older. But I don't get messages from those guys. I get a lot of messages from guys 65+... Those guys are my fathers age and I am not trying to be picky or mean but I have a Dad I don't want another one.

So now what, wait and pray the right guy comes along.

 

Tomthumb ill be happy to have that drink with you. We can swap tactics

kindy14 you made me laugh so hard :roflmao::roflmao:. Of course you can join us. ( I suppose I should ask tomthumb :icon_bigg

Thanks for that. No matter how bad I think things are at least you guys still have a sense of humour and it really does cheer me up.

Thank you(*hug*)

 

de nada stella... it's either laugh or go insane at this point...

 

Glad I gave everyone a laugh. Put's things in perspective sometimes.