So, I've been single for about a year now. I won't get into my last relationship, other than saying I'm 100% over it and have been for a while. I've been on the dating scene now for probably about 7/8 months, and all I can say is... WTF? I didn't realise it was so hard trying to find someone who legitimately wants a loving relationship? I have my main to go ones ... but generally I am sticking to online apps rather than attempting to meet people outside (in clubs or whatever). So far I've met 3 or maybe 4 potential candidates who seem to hold conversations and appear at face value as if they're looking for something long term. But when I get chatting with these guys it becomes clear that they are only looking for fun or nothing at all. I try to hold out hope with them thinking that they'll change their minds or eventually want something more... but our conversations just suck! They don't seem interested at all when I bring up normal conversation (talking about them, or what ambitions they have etc), but if I were to booty call on them they'd immediately show interest. There has been only one guy that I actually went on a date with, but I think we both realised that we definitely weren't compatible - not because he or myself are necessarily bad looking, but we just didn't share the same goals and there was a noticeable age gap. I have tried everything I could think of. I come on really strong with the ambition of finding a boyfriend, and likewise I have also taken a laid back approach and still haven't got anywhere. Barely anyone in my area wants what I want, and it's so frustrating. I am 22, the guys I am looking at are around the same age... so granted we're not exactly old but at the same time I wan't to be settled down and potentially even married by the time I'm like 26+ I don't understand how people can simply want only fun, or even open relationships? At what age do people become more mature with the ideals of settling down?? I feel so lost, as if I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my days at this rate. So what do I do? Anyone else in a similar situation?? Any advice?
Honestly, without reading much it can be very easy to say trying to find a date sucks, because it does. I apologize if I assumed anything incorrectly, I just wanted to cover all the bases. However after reading, I agree with you on a couple points: 1) If they are just looking to hook up, then you're right, it's dumb to keep talking to them hoping that they will change their minds. It never works when you go in wanting them to change. It's shitty but if you can tell right away that they just want to hook up, consider it a blessing that you don't have to waste anymore of your or their time. 2) You probably are coming across as too strong. Now for my attempt at advice: *I hate small talk, but honestly you're probably going to suck it up online and for the first couple of dates. Like you said, coming across too strong isn't good. You're making an effort to tone it down, but it may be slipping out in what you say. It IS fair to tell them right off the bat that you aren't a hookup guy and that you "just want to go on a couple dates and see where things go". But I would 1000% make no mention of marriage, how you want to be settled down for life at 26, money management etc. Being really rude, but when people are too open right away (any sort of trauma discussed in more than half a sentence) or are too eager, it's a red flag. *Goals and appropriate age gaps are very important and its great to set boundaries about what's best for you! However what are the goals? What is an appropriate age gap? If they have no ambition to move out of their parents basement (and you want to move out asap), they want to be a nomad (and you never want to leave your city), they are a city slicker (and you aren't), then yeah, those are important lifestyles that would probably conflict. You need COMPATIBLE goals, not the same goals. *I really get the frustration of wanting a bf, especially if you haven't had one before or its been a long time! But why marriage at 26? Why want to settle down so quick (avoiding hooking up doesn't mean that you need to rush into something serious!). I know I said don't tell your date you want to be married in 4 years, but honestly I'd throw that thought out entirely. It places unnecessary stress on you for no good reason. Even if having kids are a concern, you would still have another 13 years at least. People place romantic relationships on a pedestal, but familial and platonic are equally important. It's not what you want to hear, but I'd put dating on the backburner. Sometimes we leap into something that isn't quite right for us because we are blindsided by one thing or another. Do things that become harder once your in a relationship - make more friends, plan a camping trip or an international trip with your friends, etc. *Work on coming out more when it feels right (based on your out status). It's unfair but also understandable, being closeted or mostly closeted is a turn off . Also, straight girls LOVE trying to set gay guys up (and hell, even straight guys) like playing gay wingman). That's where making more friends, improving your current friendships, loving yourself and working on coming out all help. Depending on your circumstances, why not try something different? If you're in school maybe check out Pride or the GSA? See if your city has things for gay young adults that isn't clubbing? I know I gave lots of criticism, I just wanted to cover lots of ground, I don't want to make it seem like you are doing all these things and they are all scaring people away. People online can be sketchy and flakey as hell, it can just a matter or weeding through a ton of people which can be really hard especially if you live in a smaller city.
Hey! I actually think that you’re doing the right thing: you’re putting yourself out there, and you’re talking to guys. Unfortunately they haven’t been right for you so far, but the fact is that you’re not just looking for anyone - by the sounds of it you’re after The One. It’s going to take time to find someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Probably much longer than a year. The key ingredients to dating are opportunity and time. You have to give yourself the opportunity to meet someone special: either through online dating or social events. But you also have to accept that it will take a long and unspecified amount of time. I always say that you find your partner just when you become happy with being single. Speaking of which, I would seriously consider throwing out your life plan of getting married at 26. It might very well happen, but it’s not something you can plan with such accurate precision and life plans like that tend to cause more anxiety than they’re worth. You really never know what’s around the next corner and I think you should embrace that when it comes to love. Keep putting yourself out there and it’ll happen when it happens. I know that seems like frustrating and obvious advice, but there really is no magic solution to finding someone to settle down with or we’d all use it! I think you’ll be alright, bring on the next set of candidates!
