Who am I?

Oh, DB, you'll get there. It's a big adjustment in your way of thinking about yourself, even if you know it's true. There will come a day when you just want to say it without even thinking about it. Me, I know that I have to keep my mouth shut in certain company, mainly for my wife's benefit, and it's driving me f***ing CRAZY because for myself, I just want to be open about it. Someone did something the other day that they hadn't done before and said "One more thing off the bucket list", and I stopped myself almost as the words "My bucket list is, 'get a boyfriend'" nearly escaped. Not that I even would have cared what that person thought, even slightly. But because she's not ready for me to be public, I'm trying to respect her wishes. Of course, if she doesn't make any progress in that respect, I WILL eventually put my foot down, but after all, it's been, like, 8 weeks and she is still deciding if I am an ass, or if she should have me redecorate the house.

 

Just don't EVER expect me to get my "buzzum" pierced.

 

Rose..Can so relate to everything you said..I was in a very very abusive marriage for many years.. I then met a woman and something very special happened.I am not ashamed or uncomfortable for that.. in fact it felt amazing and I felt alive for the first time in my life. What I feel shame about is that I stayed in a very toxic place for me and my children as long as I did. I know I shouldn't look back..what's the point in that...But just as ClosetedFather stated - to think about all the people who because of life would like a chance to start new. That's me and that's you. And this is a journey. One I never expected, but being very spiritual I realize I'm not the one in control.. I'm merely in the passenger seat. We have to keep talking and putting one foot in front of the other and hopefully in time everything will all work out.

 

Thank you Rose. (*hug*) to you too.

CF... it's dawned on me too that this chance to start anew in mid life is kind of a gift. I think of our straight couple friends and wonder how many are truly happy. Some are recently divorced, some are clearly in unhappy marriages, some seem content, but a precious few seem really happy. I'm sure many of them dream of a chance to start over. Yes, it's scary and yes, it's difficult, but it's a real opportunity if we're brave enough to take it.

 

I feel this way too. I am a shell of a person and I'm trying to be more than that. Since I've started being honest I've felt more alive. But I still struggle with the question, who am I? Where is the meaning in my life? I love my family but I'm living this role that isn't me...I don't belong here. It just feels off and I need to be true to myself. So, I understand, and, I don't know, I think we all feel this way from time to time.

Hang in there Rose, it will get better. (*hug*)

 

CF, good call. Thanks.

 

This is such a good thread. When I started coming out, I started with the lesbians at my church. They were super supportive. (Of the three I started with, 2 seem surprised and 1 didn't, interestingly.) One of the women I talked to in that initial conversation said that being gay didn't define me, that it was just one part of me. She also reassured me that I'm a beloved child of God just as I am. As comforting as the second part of what she said has been, I was troubled by the first part. I felt like acknowledging that I'm gay changed EVERYTHING. But for me, over the past few months, I've begun to see what she means. I'm still a lawyer, a mom, a Sunday school teacher, a friend, a daughter to my mom (who has accepted me as I am). I'm wearing new glasses - so I see and understand the world and my place in it more clearly - I wish I could remember who said that about the glasses in another thread a week or so ago!
It may be because I had already set my life up, especially post divorce, in a way that would be comfortable for me as a lesbian. I live in a different state than my family of origin. I've been going to an LGBT friendly church for 7 years. I already knew gay couples with children. All of that begs the question of why it took so long for me to come out! But I am trying not to beat myself up about that.

 

In someway it is like going through adolescence again. You will feel your way around what the new rules are, just as you did when straight. It was both exciting and a little daunting at first because this second adolescence was much, much later. Sit back and enjoy the ride to come.

 

Well, I think you are on the way to becoming the person that you were always intended to be. Misfortune and social dynamics worked to derail you for a time, but now it seems that you are about back on track.

However, consider this. I don't know how old you are, but remember that it has taken some time to get to this point. All the bits and pieces that you talked about having given up didn't happen in a matter of a few days or months. Why then, do we expect that it will all be undone in a short time?

Relax a bit. Life, and you, will go on...