When people say they always knew

Hi justasking100 yes I'm one of them

My first experience was as a gay girl when I was young and then had several 'drunk ' encounters ...
I watched lesbian porn and thought lesbian thoughts AND YET I denied I was bi sexual let alone gay ...
My justifications were
1) it was just silly drunk ness
2) it was just fantasy and didn't mean anything
3) all women have a bit of 'I like women'
4) I'm just searching for female energy that I never got for my mother
5) I like men too much

And so .... When I 'woke up at 42 yrs old I was dumbfounded 'how can I have not known

But of course NOW I know 'I did know ' I was just in denial and looking back over my life I everything fell into place
Ah yes that's why xyz

I don't beat myself for it I'm just glad I am fully integrated now and that I get this wonderful chance to live my life again in the true sense -

Signed
One happy customer freed from the shackles of shame and denial

 

For me I knew about homosexuality early and was told it was unnatural or wrong. If fact I recall now (brainwashed is very good at triggering old memories lol) that as a very young boy I thought all people had penises but boys had to touch theirs to girls so you could procreate. So maybe that's a clue to my being gay?

Anyway since my natural thoughts were deemed unnatural and wrong I started the long road of denial, suppression and distraction; and played the part of the "normal" hetero boy after soaking in the message society gave me.

It doesn't answer your chicken and egg question brainwashed if you were suppressing something you didn't have a realization of but maybe the answer is environment where it didn't matter if you had consciousness about it; society's signals and messages did all the work for you.

 

Hi! I feel so related of not knowing and the road of denial, suppression and distraction as TravelMe says! OMG it's like a whole universe opens up after knowing other people have the same experience!
Recently I have accepted that I'm gay but it is like I gave up fighting it although I'm not that happy about it. I just came out to a friend and in that instant I didn't want to go through with it, I mean, actually accepting I am gay. Thank God she didn't tell me she already knew... She was very nice and accepting though...