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What to do when you think you should break up because of your sexuality

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by WackyPlum, Oct 5, 2020.

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  1. WackyPlum

    WackyPlum
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    So just asking a couple question here.
    If someone is in a straight relationship and realise later on they are not straight and they know this for sure. What is the best way to approach this?
    In this case, you’re probably not going to have a happy relationship if one person is not fulfilled so in the end, you break up. But what if you are not ready to? Or what if, you aren’t actually so sure what your sexuality is? What if you really love that person?
    do you tell them you want to break up and don’t tell them about your own sexualityy or tell them.
     
    #1 WackyPlum, Oct 5, 2020
  2. QuietPeace

    QuietPeace
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    If you know that you are not going to be able to stay in a relationship then the most honest and compassionate thing to do is end it as soon as possible. This will give the other person that chance to move on and find someone who can be with them happily. If I had to break up with someone I would tell them why, in this case that means letting them know your orientation.

    If I really cared about someone and they cared about me I could live the rest of my life without sex, this is the relationship that I had with my husband. With my current boyfriend, he knows that I am panromantic and that I find women attractive. I am sure though that if our relationship was working and if he wanted to be monogamous that I could live with never having a girlfriend again. If I were certain that I needed a relationship with a woman also then I would insist on us having an open relationship (I have the advantage here of being out as pan and poly from the beginning of the relationship). If you did not know or were not out at the beginning of the relationship then the relationship needs to be renegotiated and if a partner is not willing to accept changes then the relationship needs to end, as compassionately as possible.
     
    #2 QuietPeace, Oct 5, 2020
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  3. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    Hi @WackyPlum,

    There are quite a few threads on this in the Later in Life section, which you may like to read. There is no one way to approach this and everyone approaches the situation in a way that suit them and their circumstances

    In this situation, it’s quite normal to feel confused, not ready and still feel love for your current partner. Everyone tackles these things in their own way...some people talk to their partners whilst they are questioning, where as some wait until they are more sure of their sexuality. With regards to feeling ready, everyone gets there in their own time, which you should balance against how fair it is to hold the other person in the relationship, particularly if you know it’s not going to make you happy and fulfilled. It might help to write down everything that you need to consider (e.g. where you’re going to live, etc.) and make a plan, which can help you feel more in control. But if you’re not ready, there’s no rush to make any big changes. It’s often easier to take baby steps...do you have a friend you could talk to first? If you find yourself really stuck, then it would be a good idea to consider therapy. Having a therapist really helped me to navigate leaving my ex.

    As to whether you tell your partner about your sexuality, again it really depends on your circumstances. From what I have seen on EC, most people do and in most cases honesty is the best policy. By being honest, you can navigate the best way forward. For example, if you’re bisexual then there might be scope for the relationship to continue. If you’re gay or lean towards gay, you have fewer options, but by being honest and clear with your partner that it’s not going to work out, you avoid giving any false hope. If you’re dishonest, then your partner might suggest that you try to find a way to make it work. However, if you are concerned about abuse or that they might harm you, then not telling them would be the only way to approach it.

    If it would help, you can post here about why you’re not feeling ready.

    Take care. It’s a tough situation to be in. :slight_smile:
     
    #3 LostInDaydreams, Oct 5, 2020
  4. WackyPlum

    WackyPlum
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    well a few reasons is that there is exams happening for both our studies so I don’t want to do anything that could be too distressing before exams. So I’d wait till afterwards. Another thing is that, we had so much to look forward to during our break this summer and to feel like we couldn’t do that together makes me sad. I don’t want to lose him as a friend altogether. I don’t feel ready also because I feel like if I tell him, I feel like I have failed the relationship and myself and my partner. I’m scared that I could be wrong as well... I just don’t know if I can bring myself to do it.
     
    #4 WackyPlum, Oct 6, 2020
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