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What should I have done? (Homophobic father met boyfriend without knowing it)

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Niagara, Mar 12, 2018.

  1. Niagara

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    It did not go well.

    The area I'm from is a popular Spring Break destination for college students, so my boyfriend and I decided to head to the area for Spring Break, plus he has always wanted to visit it anyway. So we will be spending a week here.

    By coincidence, today was also my father's birthday so we stopped by his house for awhile. I was going to go alone, but my boyfriend wanted to come too due to his own curiosity. My father is very closed-mindedly homophobic and has no idea I am not straight, so my boyfriend was introduced as just a college friend (we drove down in his car, so it wasn't weird when he was my ride anyway).

    Then the problems started. One of the first things my father wanted to talk about, was the "liberalization and destruction of colleges by the gays and feminazis" (his words). That was a real fun topic to talk about while trying to hide us being a couple. It certainly didn't take long for my boyfriend to figure out why I wanted to go alone...

    Other fun topics:

    How everyone who drives a BMW is an insecure loser..... (take a guess what my boyfriend's car is... which was right outside).

    How any man who eats healthy is "a brainwashed pansy"..... (we both eat healthy...)

    How pre-med college students are all going to be failures and are greedy people only interested in money.... (as my pre-med boyfriend nodded uncomfortably)

    There were quite a few more things too.

    The longer it went on the more I wanted to argue against the stupid and offensive things he kept saying, especially knowing I was just sitting there allowing him to repeatedly insult my boyfriend without realizing it... but I couldn't. I just kept agreeing and nodding. I feel like such a coward for not standing up to him... but I couldn't think of any way that was going to end well.

    If anyone my age said those things, especially with him sitting right there, I'd never have allowed it. Yet I did. He understands it was my father and everything so he didn't care much, but I feel like I should have done something instead of just making him sit there taking insults repeatedly without being able to defend himself.

    It's also not a great feeling knowing that not only would my father hate me for not being straight if he found out, he would also hate my boyfriend based on stupid things like his car, college major and choice of food... I know it doesn't matter really since my father is just a closed-minded idiot, but it still hurts...

    Was I wrong to not make my father stop unknowingly insulting my boyfriend?

    What should I have done in this situation?

    Needless to say, after this experience, he is never going to be told the truth about who that "college friend" actually was....
     
  2. smurf

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    This is incredibly hard because the fear is that if you say anything at all then it will be a clue that you are gay.

    It really depends on who your father is and how "risky" you want to get. For my mom when she was against me being gay, me changing the conversation was good enough strategy. If she ever went on a rant, and I would simply say "anyway, so this is " and just keep going. I know that wouldn't work for everyone tho.

    The other thing is that he could just stay away from your dad as sad as that can be.

    For me personally, I just choose to stay away from my husbands toxic family. Even when his step mom died, I flew with him to the funeral but I stayed in the hotel to avoid his family. Sucky ass day for sure, but we were trying to have a balance between me being there for him and avoiding his crazy family.

    All that to say is that there is no "right" way to handle these situations. The only right thing to do is what feels safe to you. You have many years to confront your dad if you so wish, but if you feel like you have to stay in the closet then survival is always the best thing to do.

    As for your boyfriend, he already understands the deal specially with his mom, right? So take him for his word, console each other, and just avoid your dad for now.
     
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  3. Shorthaul

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    Some fights aren't worth fighting and this is likely one of them.
     
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  4. Myclosetisfull

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    If my parents tried to say BS like that I would lecture them on their psychological biases based on circumstancial conditioning and how they never even considered that their thoughts could be wrong. But in your family that might not fly...
     
    #4 Myclosetisfull, Mar 13, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2018
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  5. Chip

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    Which... with people like Niagara is describing, would likely lead nowhere. The issue is dealing with people who aren't making these statements based on rational thinking. You can't use logic and reasonable discussion with them, because it simply doesn't go anywhere. That's the same issue trying to have rational conversations about the political problems in this country. When one group simply sees everything that's happening as perfect, reasonable, normal, and without any problems... it's near impossible to get them to see any different because they simply aren't being rational.
     
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  6. Myclosetisfull

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    Everyone is subject to not including alternate viewpoints into their beliefs and decisions. This is likely due to the immense amount of processing this takes and so is a function the brain does not use for efficiencies sake. Which means that everyone can be reasoned with if you provide them an example of someone whose viewpoint they do consider and how it affects them negatively. This is the strategy to use and it is almost always successful at persuading people. Most people consider many viewpoints when making decisions, contrary to the pop-psychological nonsense about people only considering their own viewpoint. However, there have been a few individuals I was unable to teacht to act on their under another viewpoint successfully because of their belief perseverance even despite their beliefs disagreeing with the statements of others they respect.
     
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  7. Niagara

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    He isn't really the type that can be reasoned with intellectually. He is the exact stereotype of a "manly man" construction worker from a big city who simply ignores anything that doesn't fit into the realm of traditional manliness. If your interests don't include building things, drinking, fist fighting, racing cars, hating liberals, and treating women like property... he cannot understand what is being talked about. I've tried to have open discussions with him about other things to get him to see other viewpoints... it doesn't work.

    I've even tried the "gay people aren't as bad as you think" conversation about 6 months ago to see how accepting he might be of it (while he was complaining about there being too many gay actors on TV). I was genuinely surprised how terrible he really thinks gay people are.

    His beliefs include:

    - Gay is a mental illness
    - Gay people prey on straight people to convert them into more gay people
    - Gay people are all drug addicts
    - All gay people were raped as kids which is what made them gay
    - Gay people are inherently weaker and less intelligent than straight people
    - The goal of "the gays" is to help communists destroy America (not kidding, he actually believes this!)

    I was literally looking up statistics on my phone to disprove everything he said while he was saying it, and he still insisted he was right anyway.

    I know he sucks, but considering he is the only family member that talks to me at all it would have been really nice to have some type of support from him. Not even just about the gay stuff, he just feels the need to put down everything. My career goals are dumb, my hobbies are pointless, I need to like cars and construction like him to "be a real man" etc. it's just a never-ending wave of negativity.

    How do you intellectually reason with a person like that?
     
  8. Myclosetisfull

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    If he has no respect for any person who is gay, and you can not find a friend of his he previously did not realize is gay, then there is probably no way. His brain has been to far conditioned to recover in his life expectancy.
     
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