I met someone online last year and while it didn't work out as a couple due to distance; I kept her as a friend. She is a very nice person and I respect her alot. The thing that kind of caught me off guard is how in a matter of a year she has explained alot more about herself that I had ever known. She stated that she feels like she would like to not transition perse, but rather get rid of some qualities that she dislikes about her self and in a way become more masculine. I asked her so does that mean she would like to be a male? She said no she didn't care what people called her; she just wanted some physical changes done like her breasts, and a more masculine jaw line etc. In addition, she stated she was asexual. I am trying to be supportive of all this and I even explained to her that I am always there to listen even when there are times I don't quite understand everything she is explaining to me. After a bit she threw in that she thinks that a poly relationship would work for her if she couldn't satisfy her partner, unless she found someone who is also asexual. I explained to her that while it isn't something I would do I think if it would make her happy she should do it. There was a hiccup I made though because I explained to her that even if I don't completely understand it doesn't mean I accept her less. I also made another hiccup by stating that it shouldn't matter what I think since we aren't in a romantic relationship so it shouldn't matter if I find it doable. In the end, I just want her to be happy. I completely understand how difficult it was for her to open up to me like this; it was actually quite scary for me. There are times when she has hinted at being with me expressing that she feels that she often feels alone, but I make her feel better and she feels that she would be comfortable with me. I care about her alot, my issue is I keep learning more about her that seems to just jump out of nowhere. I feel like she is exposing herself to me in a way I am not sure I am ready for. I know I know it isn't about me, but I feel Idk naked in a sense. She talks so freely about herself and I idk. It makes me wonder how we would get along; sometimes she upsets me because of how open she is or I learn things that in a way make me question myself on if we could work out and that sucks since we get along well, but the relationship style she would want if we were to ever meet etc I feel isn't possible. I think this is what I struggle with in regards to thoughts of her. I start to like her and bam there is a new thing she mentions to me..... It's very overwhelming at times because she would like me to understand all the things she speaks to me about and I can't. When it comes to poly relationships I don't think I could see myself ever doing that because I only like one person at a time and I want the person I am with to myself. I can someone understand the asexual aspect. I agree that relationships should come who the person is rather than the overall aspect of having sex with them, but as I have gotten older especially being a virgin I have never experienced the closeness of someone so dear to me and when I have liked someone I feel the sense of wanting to do that with them. I have tried to explain that to her and I think that was another reason it was rough with her and I in a long distance is she was okay with no physicality as opposed to me I craved even just a hug. I feel like a moron when I wrote this simply because I feel like a bad person by stating what I like etc even when I have yet to experience it with anyone. I want to keep her as a friend and have thought about the possibilities because we get along well: I go to her alot for advice etc..... but I hate how I can't be how she would like someone to be.
