what is the point of being gay and yourself?

I feel largely the same way as you and I think it's pretty well known that loneliness is a huge problem for gay men (a quick Google search reveals a lot about it). The best advice I can give is not to focus or count on gay culture other than occasionally, and also to be discerning about the variations among individual gay men who might also feel the same way you do. I think there are others out there like us, but they often drift away from the community because, as you note, gay men are very conformist and intolerant of anyone who questions the more toxic elements of gay culture.

 

I would say you just need to meet more gay people, but it could just be that I have fit in better. Although I have to say whenever people who don't like gay culture describe it it doesn't sound like something I would fit into at all.

I've never really felt like the gay community was particularly monolithic and I've been involved pretty actively for a long time. I've volunteered with political organizations and charities, led a book group, cheered on a friend's rugby team, gone to concerts with my husband's choir. We've been to circuit parties and euchre club. My husband was on a bowling team for a while. I belong to a group for gay people in the banking industry. There's a lot out there and if you are going to define the "culture" by what you see in nightclubs and in magazines, well a good portion of straight people rail against straight culture if you define it that way--they just don't make the mistake of thinking that it's straight culture, but rather acknowledge that it's one portion of it.

I don't really know what it is that you find objectionable. From what I can make out you think you don't fit in because you want a boyfriend, don't want to get married and don't like one night stands. Well, most of the gay guys I know either have a boyfriend or want one. Probably only about half the gay guys I know are married and I've never heard anyone say that it was for everyone. And lots of gay people aren't into one night stands. If you've met some gay people that weren't your cup of tea, that's alright. So have I. But I've also met a ton of them who were awesome friends. The only thing that I've ever really seen people excluded for was the attempt to exclude others.

Generally speaking tolerance is a bit of mantra in the gay community. I would imagine that could be a bit of an issue if one was uncomfortable with things. Nobody has to get married, but if you think I shouldn't be able to, well that's going to be an issue for a lot of people. Plenty of people don't opt for casual sex, if you are openly scornful of those who do, again that's going to be an issue for some. Is that a form of intolerance?--well I suppose so, but I feel like it's one that I can live with...

Seriously, don't give up because you've had a few bad experiences. There's a whole wonderful world out there...​

 

OGS’s comment are spot on! Like you I had no interest in one night stands, or the bar scene. That is not the only way to meet a potential BF. Explore the LGBT community a little more deeply as there are many groups, events and gatherings that might fit your interest. As to marriage I feel the same way, my BF and I have discussed this many times. We both feel marriage is an archaic institution in the world today and want no part of it. We don’t need any outside source to validate our loving relationship. That being said if people wish to marry, go for it! Marriage is a personal choice. I know some gay friends that feel marriage is the ultimate repudiation of the hetero normative culture we live in and other gay friends that have no use for it. No one in the LGBT community mandates you have to marry , have stands or hook up. It’s all personal choice.

 

Hey dudette,

You received excellent replies from those who responded to you above (#justaguyinsf, #OGS and #Contented), but it was your title to this thread that sparked my interest...

Here's the thing about being yourself: it isn't something you need to do, it isn't something you need to consciously pursue. Given this, what you appear to really be asking is: what is the point of stopping being anyone other than myself?

If you see it this way, then you may also see that "being gay", or rather your conception or idea of what being gay is, may also be a way to not be yourself...

Set aside the stereotypes and actually meet people who identify as gay, take the time to get to know them...this will almost certainly alter what you may think characterizes gay people and what they do. Eventually, you may find that it will be almost impossible to make any one of them fit into some well-defined box in your mind called "gay"...

 

In my limited time being out of the scene I’ve discovered there are many types out there. Too many to list. I know a partnered monogamous couple, a partnered open couple, single guys just looking for hookups, single guys looking for monogamy, married open couples, married monogamous couples, couples that explore sexuality with another partner only when together, and couples that explore it apart. I even know a polyamorous threesome where two are married and they have a boyfriend, for five years now.

My point in there is that I’ve met guys they are all different in what they do and what they want. The gay world is different than the straight world by a long shot... things seem to work I had no clue could. But that said, there’s traditional men too. And men traditional in sex but progressive in not wanting to be married. It’s a mixed bag and the more people you meet, the more personalities you’ll find.

Rarely are people alone in their views... it’s just a matter of sifting thru those with different ones and finding the people with similar ones. Meeting more gays actually even heightens your chances... gays know other gays and they know their MO much of the time as well.