What is most important

Cont. of last post. L.M.P.- Did not intend to sound angry @ you. Still sorting all this out. I am more upset at myself for giving him mixed messages. We just discussed this topic. Its so hard when there is such a deep love. Its hard for him to understand all this and for me too. It would be easier if he was a jerk. I know what I am losing. A part of me does not want to let go.

 

I can completely understand where you are coming from. Despite the fact that I identify as pansexual I have little to no interest in cisgendered males. Yet, I'm getting married to one. We have been together for over 3 years, raise a child together, and we have this level of honesty that you mentioned. We don't know what a secret is and we set no boundaries with each other. Like your husband, my fiancee knows and claims to understand the fact that I am not very interested in his body. We have sex on rare occasions- less than he would like, (less sexual intimacy than I would like, but like I said, I'm not very interested).

What is so bonding about our relationship is the emotional and "spiritual" intimacy that I can get from no other person. Never have I met anyone who is so open-minded, understanding of the true meaning of unconditional love, and who is able to have such a strong bond to a person that it's as if they can read your thoughts at times. Our relationship goes beyond any sex ever could, personally. There is no question about "better sex" because to me, the intimacy we share out weighs anything physical contact could do for a person.

Sometimes you have to weigh the pros and cons. If you leave him to follow your desire for better sex, would you be willing to chance never finding a person on that level again? You have to live with your decision so it has to be made by you what is more important. I gave up a satisfactory sex life for an emotional and spiritual connection and I'm okay with that and wouldn't have it any other way. What would make you happy and able to live your life with complete fulfillment?

 

Jeff- If roles were reversed I would not accept that either. I respect our vows. Even if I met someone totally fabulous today & fell crazy in love I would not break those vows until divorce was final. I know I am gay. I am old fashioned & have never had sex outside of a relationship. That may change later on but for now its how I feel.

---------- Post added 26th Apr 2013 at 10:38 AM ----------

Thank you EC friends for your support. Its a blessing in my life. Hugs Rose.

 

LMP- Words were not terrible. I just don't use *uck as a verb. I know you are going thru a tough time too. At EC were all learning that this process/journey to truth can be raw.True Friends listen. They vent. They understand. If there is a misunderstanding they clarify. That is what I like about EC. Hugs Rose

 

Hi Rose,

I wanted to post something so we could have a conversation on your public wall, but I didn't find one at your page.

I suddenly felt I really wanted to talk to you, because I am feeling a sudden crisis. I have been hoping that my wife and I could get into couples counseling have someone help us through my coming out as gay rather than bi. She has known me as bi for years, but I came out to her as gay in February. It all went well for a day or so, but then we both panicked and I backtracked to bi.

Technically, I think it's true that I'm bi. I have certainly been attracted to women and loved sex with my wife. But I feel increasingly that my truest self is gay, and that if I had only let myself act on my homosexual desires when I was younger, I probably would have discovered the truth a long time ago.

I so understand what your going through right now.

love, Bill

 

Hi Bill- Learning the coulda shoulda done things earlier is worthless. I don't regret my time with my husband. We have an awesome son. I'm sure your wife is a lovely woman and that you have some great memories. Think you said you were a writer? Has she influenced you in quiet or not so quiet ways?

---------- Post added 26th Apr 2013 at 04:56 PM ----------

No MercyMercury-Thanks for your post. I don't know much about transgender stuff. What is the difference between transgender ftm & cisgendered males? Your relationship sounds beautiful. To answer your question what would make me happy & full filled? Truth: same thing I wanted at 20: A wife. I couldn't call myself gay but fell hard for a girl...had it been legal and she was not strait I think for her I would have accepted myself sooner ans stopped making excuses. I think after that I neutered myself. Then became strait by default.

---------- Post added 26th Apr 2013 at 04:58 PM ----------

I think this thread has been better than a month of therapy! Its nice to me me here.

 

Oh, I agree completely about the coulda, woulda. We have had a pretty wonderful life together. I told her before we got married that I "sometimes" had homosexual fantasies (that's what I was telling myself at that point), so officially calling myself bi wasn't that huge a leap for her. And as you probably know from my earlier posts, she had actually expected me to come out as gay over a decade ago. (Ain't it true that you're always the last to know. LOL)

She is extremely talented, although she has always refused to acknowledge that. She made beautiful fabric sculptures before we met, but she ended up a TV exec(!) (Not in anything to do with making shows or anything like that, so you cannot blame her for all the horrible stuff on the tube.) Since she retired she has been studying piano diligently and has now started on the harpsichord.

As for writing inspiration, whatever happens between us over the coming months, I'm dedicating my book to her with all the love in my heart.

---------- Post added 26th Apr 2013 at 06:04 PM ----------

I must have accidentally clicked something that activated that dancing banana. Sorry about that. Is there a way to get rid of those?

You know, at 59, I'm not social media savvy. In fact, I feel a sudden need to make a confession to you all. No, not the fact that I'm a lifelong closeted homosexual. Before coming to EC, I was. . . well. . . I don't quite know how to say this, but. . . . a social media virgin. (Oh god, I'm so ashamed.)

 

Bill Admit dancing banana is really funny!

 

Never. I have a deep, internalized bananaphobia. (Though they're delicious and nutritious.)

 

Took a step yesterday to begin new life. Feel happier this am. I know its going to be rough but its time I learned to breathe. EC friends remind me of this when I write I'm curled up in a ball rocking....

 

I just did it this morning Rose. Had the big discussion with my wife. I''m out and there's no looking back.