What is dysphoria like to you?

Oh my god, I totally understand where you're coming from. "Our handsome strong son... Blah blah blah".

I cringe hearing that.

It does feel like I'm living a lie. When I have fun, I feel like I'm faking it if I have to be "him" instead of her.

I need to drink and get intoxicated to dance, but when I get to express myself in the feminine I'll hop right on the dance floor and get down. I'm comfortable with myself and frankly I don't care.

It's a wonderful feeling to be yourself.

I don't hate my body in as much as some other younger trans people do, because I can cover most of it. The thing I do want to modify is my neck up. Getting older and well... No way in hell will anyone see my real hair.

My face and head I am quite dysphoric over though.

 

I'm lucky I was starting to get a bad drinking habit, until I finally stopped because all alcohol did to me was temporally get dull the dysphoria and then it would come back and enduring dysphoria and school with a hangover is a VERY annoying experience.

 

Thank you for your comment. I actually have so little experience that I can´t imagine something like a functional dynamic. As stupid as it is, sex was for me always something strange.
But I like what you said in the last sentence. "When it was possible to forget my gender."
Wow. I think this is something I´d love to experience.
Thanks.

 

It's gotten so much better. I only run into an issue when people tell me things that only have two do with male or female:

- "You aren't a man!"
- "It's wrong for you to wear men's clothes"
- "You don't wear enough women's clothes"
- Being referred to by female pronouns.
- Suggestions that I should or need to be more feminine, (a traditional female).

 

Mine's gotten better but I still have my days. Most of it's social. Like if I'm ma'am'd or someone deadnames, misgenders me and so on, then it can ruin my whole day. I got pretty dysphoric the other day when I had to pick up a prescription and I was in a waiting room at a predominately woman's clinic, getting pills for a problem everyone associates as a "woman's problem".

At this point no one really uses my birth name, except for my mother (who I rarely talk to) and the government (who I seem to be talking to in some capacity to all the freaking time). I know the latter I'll be able to change soon but I'm waiting until I move and get settled. Hopefully I can take care of it before I transfer to my new school.

As far as physical dysphoria, this actually lessened. Mostly it's my voice that I get really dysphoric about, plus not having a lot of facial hair.

What helped, weirdly enough, was sort of thinking of myself as a guy with some kind of condition. Which is basically what I am as a trans guy. Yeah, I've got a chest but I consider myself to be a bear- bears are supposed to have a bit of a chest. Bottom half- well, I'll never be as big as my boyfriend. This is a little TMI but it was pointed out to me that I've basically got what looks like a cismale microdick. So that's how I think of it, oddly enough, as my microdick.

 

I guess my experience is little different from other people. This sounds a little narcissistic but when I look at my body I think it's attractive but it isn't the body I wanted. If I could just give my femininely figure and reproductive system to someone else I would so do but sadly I can't really do that.

I feel strange having my hips so much wider than my waist. I like sleeping on my back sometimes because of the way it makes my chest feel and look though still not perfect. I am also a little uncomfortable with the fact that I am not six feet tall and that my shoulders are more narrow. It's not so clear about my bottom-half but sometimes I am just find it weird that it's so...flat? And the fact that by being born with this reproductive system I can never be a biological father.

As for socially, I wonder if I had a deeper voice would people perceive me as male? And if I just look like a really tall twelve year old boy. And sometimes I think about when I was younger (before I thought of myself as transgender) people kept telling me I should be a model because I'm thin and tall for someone female-bodied. >_>

 

When I feel dysphoric I feel violated. This is mostly physical dysphoria for me though. Although I'm quite okay with my given lower half and bear it with pride, I do on occasion get dysphoric over it.

If I'm feeling dysphoric over being misgendered it's a bit like feeling violated and bit like what I've been calling "gender PTSD." It's kinda like I feel like I'm screaming out who I am but no one's listening to me and there's no real reason why they shouldn't so I get this sense of invisibility and it sends me in to a panic. I have nightmares about this sort of scenario frequently. Sometimes it also feels like I'm not a real person. But since I've been able to understand my gender better that particular feeling has been going away.