I am quite young and questioning my gender. I came out several years ago as a transgender male, but I feel like maybe I made a mistake. I am considering going back to identifying as a female, but I know this would render everything I’ve done discovering myself pointless, and destroy much of the trust my family had for me. I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to have a male or androgynous body, but I don’t know if my gender identity aligns with that. I think that after all, I might just be a masculine lesbian with gender dysphoria, as I’m only attracted to females as a female, but gay women won’t be interested in me if I’m not completely physically female. I also dread how going back would stop me from getting the services I still need to alleviate my dysphoria (hormone blockers, possibly testosterone, mastectomy, etc.). The situation I’m in feels hopeless, I actually want to die. I’ve brought this upon myself and I can’t decide whether to talk about it or not with my parents. If anyone has ever been in a similar situation please advise me as best as you can. I have no idea what to do.
i'm sorry idk what to say. i think at the heart of it being a trans male means you don't like your primary and secondary sex characteristics and want them to be that of a male's. Fuck gender stereotypes - you can act as masculine or feminine as you please and like whatever hobbies make you happy. That's my opinion on it, anyways, and once i realized that i felt so much more secure in my identity. So much happier, more confident, when i gave myself permission to be however masculine or feminine i want - its okay. It doesn't make me any less of a man on the inside.
I've also ID-ed as a trans guy in the past, and have recently come to terms that I'm more genderqueer (butch) than male, and I'm also dreading the process of coming out to everyone again as "not trans". I do agree with Theo though. You don't have to be masculine to be a male or feminine to be a woman. I do think stereotypes can get in the way of figuring out one's gender identity. It sounds like you know what you want to do when it comes to transitioning. Just remember, there's no time limit on when you need to have everything figured out. If you still need to experiment with some things, take as much time as you need until you're ready.
I just wanted to add that it's totally normal to question yourself throughout your journey. Some trans people question themselves when they're about to go on HRT or about to get surgery. These are huge changes for anyone, and they can be quite intimidating. I assume your parents were fine with it when you came out to them as trans the first time, correct? If you think it'd be worth it to tell them you've been questioning, they might help you and advise you to take further action, such as seeing a councilor or therapist to talk about some of these things.
